Posts Tagged ‘Dating Emails’

At the Start

     Way back when, in the days of Prince Handsy, I had also met another man who wiggled his way into the mix.  I was so bombarded by Prince Handsy drama that I hadn’t been able to bring you up to speed on this little relationship.
     During the Prince Handsy courtship, I was emailed by this guy with the word “jaded” in his screename.  That wasn’t instilling much hope in me.  His email stated that he thought we had a lot in common and he would like to get to know me.  I read through his profile and found that I was shorter than he liked, older that he liked, and didn’t have much to go on to see how we had stuff in common.  So, I emailed back one line questioning about his screename choice.
     He replied back informing me that his last girlfriend did a number on him, cheating wise, hence the jadedness.  And he again proclaimed we had a lot in common and started asking some random questions about me: what kind of movies I like, any tattoos, etc.  I responded back with equally enticing questions: Coke or Pepsi, Yankees or Red Sox, all the fundamentals a relationship should be based on.
     We emailed back and forth for a little while and covered a lot of topics.  There was nothing overly exciting about him, but he was entertaining and nice enough.  His final email informed me that, by the time I read it, he would no longer be able to respond and included his number.  I received the email over Easter weekend, so he was right about me not responding in time via email.
     The Monday after Easter was my date with Prince Handsy (to read about the Prince Handsy drama, click here.)  And after all of that nonsense, I was beaten down, tired, and not really in the mood to chat up another guy.  I had his number, but I felt no overwhelming urge to meet him.  I was debating whether or not to text him.  I decided to go for it.  I almost didn’t.  What a mistake that would have been…


To read the next post from The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly series, click here.

Going in Blind

     Alright party people, I’ve got a month to go before my New Year’s deadline.  Time to crack down on the date search.  And as always, I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a pickle.

     As my eHarmony subscription came to an end at the beginning of the month, I contacted a few guys as a kind of a last hooray, just to see if I’d get any last-minute takers.  Well, my subscription ended and I didn’t get much of a response.  However, luck was on my side and my subscription ended right as a free communication period was starting.  And, as it turned out, one of those last-ditch-efforts was a taker and responded a few days after my subscription ended.

     We worked our way through the eHarmony process until I realized that since I was no longer a paying member, I wasn’t going to get to the email stage.  So, when we got to the final section of questions, I strategically placed a map to my personal email address and explained that my subscription (a.k.a. I’m cheap and using this free communication to the fullest) would end before we would get to the email stage.

     He emailed a few days later, very brief, saying he was still interested.  After receiving my response, he emailed back asking to meet up for coffee and for my number.  He called, again very brief, and we set up a time.  He left it to me to pick the place since he doesn’t know the area too well.  And we ended the conversation with me emailing him the location over the weekend and then wished each other a Happy Thanksgiving.

     As soon as I hung up the phone, that’s when it hit me – Oh sh*t!  I have no idea what this guy looks like.  I just set myself up on a blindish date.  How is that even possible?

     Once your eHarmony subscription ends, you can no longer see photos of your matches.  I could read his profile and saw that we were matched when I was able to see his picture, but that was over three weeks ago.  I’m a busy lady and I’ve talked to at least ten other guys by now.  I was and am drawing a blank, totally coming up dry.  Wouldn’t know him if you threw him at me.

     I thought of a zillion ways to try to ask for his picture but they all sounded like, “Hey, I don’t remember you so you must not be important,” or “By the way, I am juggling a million guys right now and I have lost track of your face in the sea.”  Truth of the matter is, I hate it when guys do that to me, so I didn’t want to do that to him.  I like to live by the Golden Rule as best I can. . . and look where it has me. 

     I know that I have at least seen his face before and I’m trying to remember if my last-ditch-efforts were only to good-looking guys.  (Dare to dream, right?)  I am hoping, praying, and crossing my fingers that he is the unexpected surprise Santa leaves under the tree and not the present that goes straight to the re-gift pile.  Guess I will find out tonight at seven.

So Long DUD Life

     Now that I am working extra hard at finding STUDs and moving away from the DUDs, I thought it would be fun to take a trip down memory lane and remember some of the DUDs from my past.  I’ve given some brief quotes from these fan favorite posts but to read the full post just click their names/titles.  With any luck there are more hopeful prospects out there than these.

DUD #5: Measuring Up

“…We arranged to meet.  He was over an hour late.  …  I knew he didn’t leave when he said he was going to and that screamed to me – maintenance.  I don’t do metro sexual.”

DUD #4: ADD Not for Me

“…A few minutes into the phone call I noticed something seemed off.  …  He asked a lot of questions and responded to everything.  Some of the responses were just a chill laid back voice, then others were passionately enraged.  We would be talking about a basic run-of-the-mill topic and then he would shout out, “Right? F%*& that Zia.  Who needs it?” OR “Screw’um.  Good for you Zia.  F$*# them.  F&^#@* bullshit, am I right?

Whoo – okay fella – breathe.

…between the phone call and the first meet I’m pretty sure he forgot my name, until one day when he called, after I told him I’d be working, and conveniently got my voicemail.

…his master plan for a second date was to smoke up.” 

DUD #3: Funny Stuff

“For anyone who has ever tried to contact someone via internet dating, standing out from the pack is crucial.  However, some of you should recheck your filter…

…my new favorite (email) came in the other day.  It’s so horrible that I wouldn’t do it justice to only explain it.  I present to you, spelling and punctuation mistakes and all, direct quote:

Subject: Funny Stuff

“so theres this drunk right? now hes wasted by noon and decides hes gotta pee so he whips it out and starts going in the middle of the street now this lady walking by stops stares and starts yelling “what an animal what a beast what a monster” the drunk says “easy lady easy I got a good hold on him” hope that got you to laugh and hope youll give me the chance to laugh alongside you soon”

          Oh, I’m laughing, but probably not for the reasons you would like.”

Later, since I responded to Funny Stuff and “tried to explain why it wasn’t the best approach,” he wrote back.  And “foreseeing his response, he accused me of having no sense of humor.  No, not the case I replied. 
Then he decided he wanted to start over.  He reintroduced himself.  Then I got a joke about a monkey holding a…”

And two of my personal favorites:

DUD #2: From my Wingwoman search – Sammy Boy He was, “I have to say, quite ballsy to answer a ‘wingwoman’ ad and blatantly ignore the woman part.”  His emails were classically entertaining with his verbal diarrhea.

And DUD #1: Mr. Fig Newton

“…The time between our second and third date my phone was flooded with more useless texts and again the word “sexy.” … I don’t know, something about hearing that over and over again from a man who hardly knows you is just creepy and pervy (and not pervy in a good way.)

…I was driving up again.  I didn’t mind because I had the day off and he didn’t. … I got to his house – no answer.  Here’s a suggestion: a girl is driving over an hour to see you – Be Home!”


       If this is your first read of these DUDs, I hope you understand my pain.  If you feel my pain, I’m super sorry.  And if you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know that these DUDs are just the tip of the iceberg.

     I do have some new men in the works and am keeping my fingers crossed.  However, if any of you know of any STUDs you’d like to send my way…my email is in the sidebar. Shy Whistler

Letter to the Editor

Dear suitor,

     A little over a week ago I came across your profile and something intrigued me, so I winked at you.  That was me throwing the ball in your court.  You in turn, winked back.  Maybe it didn’t occur to you that a charades-formed conversation is not possible on, seeing as winking is the only option.  I’ve been winking so much lately I’ve developed a tick.  Responding with an email would have been preferred.

     Since you half-assly threw the ball back in my court, it was up to me to send the first email.  Doing my research, I reread your profile.  I found it very interesting that you claim to be open-minded.  What was more interesting is that you’re open-minded with conditions.  There seems to be an amendment to your claim.  You are open-minded to women as long as they: don’t love drama, have psychological issues, or play games.  You then recommend they get off the site and see a shrink if they fall into any of those categories.  Very sound medical advice coming from someone with a BA in Journalism.  Why wouldn’t they listen to you?

     You earned a reprieve from these moronic comments because of your 6′ 5″ stature.  I find your freakish height a major turn-on. 

(Insert witty ice-breaking email here.) 

     Pleased that you responded to the email, but only in response to my sass.  There were no inquiries about me or any indication that you read my profile.  Therefore, I only responded back with one line since you did not seem very interested.  I am looking to be wooed.  You showed no attempts at woo-ment.

     Somehow though, your two-line email and my one-line response must have made you believe that this lady should be ga-ga for you, and you had the gall to send another email a couple of days later.  I was definitely able to see all that hard work you put into earning that BA in Journalism.  In its entirety (and I hope I’m not missing any words here), you wrote:  “Stimulating conversation…”

     Well, my dear, as I have (and others have) said before, “questions are the breath of a conversation.”  So ask me something.  Please refer to paragraph four – woo.  I’m sure wooing was covered somewhere in Journalism 201, The Seduction of Writing.  I’m guessing you failed that course.

     Sadly, I don’t see this relationship going anywhere and am moving on.

Sincerely uninterested,

Zia Zitella

Application Review

     Since Zuzolo put such hard work into his application, I figured it earned a response.  But first, brief recap on how Friday’s blog ended:

Zia (email):  Application has been received and is under review.

Zuzolo (text):  Under review…you don’t need to do that.  It’s very clear. lol

     He apparently got worried:

Zuzolo (text): Just be nice with your answer application because you can heart my feelings…babe…lol

Zia (email) : RE: Application for a date ( maybe ) if she’s not busy

Dear Applicant,

Congratulations.  You have been chosen to move on to our interview process.  Now, before the interview there are a few things we need to review from your application.

First, you get bonus points for a cool name.  Hair is optional.  The number you gave for your ex is no longer in service and we will require a new number for a reference check.
Should you be hired for the position, some driving may be involved.  However, with your age and suspended license, the employer may overlook this if you invest in a stylish state-of-the-art golf cart.
As for #8 and #9 on your application, this benefit is not granted upon hire.  There is a variable grace period before this job perk will become available to you. Employer will judge your effort and performance for a period of time before granting access to this restricted area.
If this term works for you, then your next step is to schedule an interview time and place within the near future.  The interviewer is extremely busy and popular and will fill your time slot with another male applicant if plans are not concrete.

Interviewer will be available by phone throughout the weekend and looks forward to your call.

Have a good day. ^-^

     Seeing as he did not call and make plans concrete, I was jet-lagged and in turn reluctant to go out with him on Wednesday night.  This nearly brought him to tears, so I met him for a drink.  Ugh, damn my charm.     Met him and he looked as “Fabio” in person as he did in his pictures.  I noticed real quick that he was a bit of a busy body and remnant of ADD.  He did a lot of talking.  I did a lot of listening.  However, he kept stopping to say he wanted to know about me.  Then he’d continue talking.
     His faulty quality was ordering white zinfandel with ice in it.  Yeah, he’s classy like that.  His redeeming quality was his gentleman status.  He made sure to walk on the street side of the side-walk because that’s what his mother told him, which required a lot of dancing on the sidewalks as we crossed streets.  He opened doors; probably why he’s so thin, running from one side of the car to another.  And told me I looked beautiful/great a few times, for girls who like that, makes me queasy, but I took the compliment with a smile twice and only ignored it once.  I mean come on, once is really enough.
     Date ended fine in his Hispanic/European way.  I got a hug and what I’m assuming was supposed to be a kiss on the cheek but was more of my jaw bone.  I’m not complaining.  After Bombay Joe, any aim would be better than his. 

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