Archive for June, 2010

Dating Three

            Part of Dr. D’s brilliant plan is, “The Dating Program of Three.”  You date three different men at the same time to find the one.  When one relationship fades out you simply replace him with a new guy. –I’m really liking her style.
            There are a couple of rules. 1) You can only see the guy once a week. –Works for me.  Most people get on my nerves if I see them too much anyway.  2)  No sex with any of the three until you “graduate” to exclusivity with just one. –This has not been a problem since I have not been too physically attracted to too many of them once they opened their mouths and started speaking.  However, after last Monday’s date this could pose as a challenge.  With each guy you fade out, you replace him with a better guy.  If I start going on too many dates with guys I am attracted to, I’ll be walking around all “juiced up.”  And then whoever does manage to “graduate” the program with me is going to hit the mother load.
            Last week I had three dates.  Here’s a recap and a projected outlook for these guys:

Monday Night

Guy: Cowboy

Date: Met at coffee shop.  Impromptu.  Called that night around 6pm and asked if we could “run into each other.”

Conversation: Good flow

Bonding Moment: Laughed over the barista’s resemblance to a caveman

My Shining Moment: He had a little cough from a dry throat and I fished through my purse and found him a buried (very old) cough drop.

His Shining Moment: Peeled the cough drop best he could and then ate it with a good bit of paper on it.  It’s no bug wine, but still.

Hugger: Best so far.  None of this pat-on-the-back-inches-apart-turn-to-the-side-one-armed-smell-my-armpit type hug.  He used both arms, leaned in, and squeezed.  My mangoes actually touched his chest and he wasn’t awkward teenage boy about it.

Contact After: Got a quick little email that night about how much fun I was. –Hey, I put out a good mango-touching hug.  I’m a keeper.

Status: Want to see this guy again.

Tuesday Night

Guy: Bombay Joe

Date: #3, his place –ugh.  Rule #2, no sex.  So I prayed he wasn’t thinking and hanky panky was going to take place.

Conversation: No problem as usual.  I like him because he’s funny.

Bonding Moment: His attempt at kissing me

Kisser: Horrible.  I had no idea what he was trying to do.  During his attempts, I thought, “well maybe if I turn my head this way.”  No.  “How about if I,” –Nope.  “What about…” –No.  At one point he put his entire mouth around mine, slobbered and sucked in.  WTF?  By the end, my chin was a slobbery mess.

His Not-So-Shining Moment: For whatever reason, he thought rubbing his nose all over my face was romantic?  Attractive?  A turn on?  Why the hell would I want your nose in my eye or in my ear?

My Shining Moment: Not laughing. –Well, not out loud.

Contact After: None.  Made plans during the date to see him the following week.  This was prior to the kissing fiasco.

Status: Seeing him again, but only if he calls and to give him the “kiss-off.”

Wednesday Night

Guy: Thumber

Date: Dinner at a lounge I chose.

Conversation: Eh, okay.  Nothing to write home about

Bonding Moment: Shared the same liking for the birth order theory

His Not-So-Shining-Moment: Pulled out his cell phone and showed me how his app for karma sutra.  Claims it is better than the i-phone version because they only have stick figures demonstrating the poses and his has more realistic drawings.

His Other-Not-So-Shining Moment: Talked about ex, came across as not being over the relationship.  Although, he said that during the relationship he knew she wasn’t the one but stayed with her for SEVEN years!

My Shining Moments: Not slapping him for the karma sutra app demo and not walking out after he talked about his ex. –Hey, food wasn’t bad.  Wanted to make sure I got my doggie bag out of the crap hand I was dealt for the evening.

Hugger: Two-pat-on-the-back

Contact After: None –No chance of a second date for this guy.

Status: Disappointed.  Email banter was so good, but the hype didn’t live up to it in person.


The Wrestler

     In order for any relationship to work there needs to be a good dose of reality.  After receiving an email and then reading the next contestant’s online profile and finding under “interests” he put “thumb wrestling,” I was intrigued.  The basis of our communications have gone like this:

Zia:  Your the first I’ve read to list “thumb wrestling” as an activity. You do this often? Big tournaments 😉 No office pools for that though, huh?

Thumber:  No pools unfortunately but I almost went pro with the UTWC (Ultimate Thumb Wrestling Championships) until I had a freak thumb sprain using my mouse.

Zia:  So tragic that the mouse induced strain kept you from the championships. You’ll get’em next year.

Thumber:  Yes, I have put my thumb on a high protein program that is doing wonders, thanks for asking.

Zia:  I think the protein diet should do the trick. Especially if you add in some extra stretching to prevent future injury. You don’t want to futher damage the money maker.

Thumber:  Haha, yeah I should make a little coat to keep him warm before matches.

Zia:  I’m thinking something in the way of leg-warmer only finger size as a warm-up jacket might be nice. Maybe with the words “Big T” on the side to boost his self-esteem.

     All this charming banter, he couldn’t resist.  We’re going out tonight.  With a solid foundation like this, I think we’ll be fine.

Not a Fan

     I know, it is absolutely crazy to join an online dating site and expect to actually meet people.  Ludicrous, right?  It is no secret that this blog all started because of online dating and the men I met.  Meeting men online and finding dates is not a problem.  Finding ones I want to keep around…well, that’s a whole different issue.

      Since I have become well versed, so-to-speak, with dating websites, I feel it my duty to report when I find a lousy one.  Sadly, Dr. D steered me wrong on this one.  She gives a list of top recommended dating sites to use, and shouldn’t make the list.  She may have recommended it for its “FREE Duet Compatibility Profile.”  I assure you nothing is free.  Once you fill out all the info to register you need to pay to actually see and do anything that might have been “free.”  There’s no free trail period and I can see why.  The whole sight is a catalogue of out-of-stock products.

     Seeing as I forked over the dough for this broken machine, it seemed right to complain and try to get my money back.  I mean, I’m paying for a service that’s not being provided right?  I emailed a complaint about how I have not had any responses to the ice breakers/emails I sent and that I’m looking for people in my area and have only been contacted by people from across or in another country.  Here’s a look into my relationship with Johnny 5: 

Johnny 5’s response email:  Members utilize their Perfectmatch accounts in a variety of ways – and
some may only ‘check in’ once a week. Others might be busy with work, on vacation, pursuing another relationship on Perfectmatch – or are taking a break. 
…When waiting for responses to your Icebreakers or email, generally, I recommend a 2-week period before moving on to another member, or not pursuing communication further with a non-responsive recipient.  We ask that members who are not going to be utilizing their Perfectmatch account for an extended period of time *hide their profiles* temporarily, …However, members can initiate MAIL and ICEBREAKERS with all other members they may find when using one of our various searches.  Thus it would be completely possible for you to receive matches from various locations.  Have you used our advanced member search capabilities yet?  …Please keep in mind that when utilizing the ‘CUSTOM SEARCH’ tool, you will be able to search for members by more specific factors, such as interests, education, background/values and lifestyle traits – at ranges as close as within 25 miles of your zip code. 

Zia’s thoughts:  Ah, duh, really?  And hell no there is no 25 miles range option – it’s 75!  You’re trying to tell me there is no one compatible in a 75 mile range?  Man, I’m in trouble. 

Zia’s response:  Hi Johnny 5,  Yes, I realize that people have different approaches to using online dating, but I have a hard time believing you guys have created a site where all members check in once in a blue moon, are on a break, or a permanent vacation.  I wouldn’t really recommend using that as a selling point, since I believe most people who try dating online expect at least 1 or 2 results. 

     I am not exaggerating when I say I initiated contact by sending out 40 icebreakers and have gotten NO responses from those.  Am I to believe that ALL of those people forgot to “hide” their profiles?  I have waited 3 weeks, per your 2 week recommendation and still nothing.  I’ve sent emails as well and the only response I received was from a man who didn’t even know he had an account and gave me some email address to contact him because he said he doesn’t use this site. 

Johnny 5’s response email:  Hello Zia, I do see that you have sent out quite a few IceBreakers and have just
received a few responses back. 
…you have had success with email replies. In fact I see several members who seem interested in you. You might try to see if they would like to meet for coffee somewhere so that you can get to know each other. It’s just a thought. 
     Also, our most successful members attribute their success to being very pro-active in reaching out to other members. Since you have had success with email I would suggest sending a quick email demonstrating your interest to any member you find interesting. I see you have not sent email recently, so you might give this a try. 
Zia’s thoughts: Oh dear God, this guy is a drone reading from a script. 

Zia’s response:  In regards to the email replies: one was from a man out of the country, one was from a man across the country, one was from a file you guys pulled for reasons I’m assuming relate to wack-a-doodle status (which I grasped right away from his 20-yr-old pic & 47-yr-old claim, along with creepy wording), another was from the man I said didn’t know he had an account and redirected me to another email, and one was from a man I responded to but never heard back from.  That only leaves mister “potential stalker” status who just keeps emailing me his phone number and “when can we go out” emails without asking anything about me or telling me much about himself.  None of those seem like very possible or safe “meets for coffee.” 

…I’ve used all the search options and changed it up, not being ubber picky, just trying to see if I get some response. I haven’t sent an email in a while because the same people who aren’t responding, are the ones who keep coming up.  …also have issues with your site sending me an email, telling me I have a new one from a member, only to go to my inbox and find nothing there but the old ones. 

     I have been on other dating sites before and have never had this issue.  I know I’m no supermodel, I’m aware of the merchandise I’m pushing.  Since your site wasn’t working for me, I recently tried another.  This week alone I have 3 dates.  No joke.  So can you see or at least understand my frustration with your company. …I feel like I am wasting money.
     Johnny 5, I know you’re just doing your job and giving the responses they are telling you to and I respect that.  I’m just saying I am a very dissatisfied customer and would like a refund.  …in all honesty, your site just really isn’t working for me.  If you need to forward me along to a supervisor or manager that’s fine.

Johnny 5’s response email: …However, members can initiate MAIL and ICEBREAKERS with all other members they may find when using one of our various searches.  Thus it would be completely possible for you to receive matches from various locations.  …Have you used our advanced member search capabilities yet?  …Please keep in mind that when utilizing the ‘CUSTOM SEARCH’ tool, you will be able to search for members by more specific factors, such as interests, education, background/values and lifestyle traits – at ranges as close as within 25 miles of your zip code. 

Zia’s thoughts: Deja vu.  Didn’t I already read all that?  Ugh. 

     I didn’t bother responding again.  Figured I’d take matters into my own hands.  I’ve already wasted my money and don’t want others doing the same.  I am sure you all know someone dating online or thinking about it.  Please urge them not to use  I realize by encouraging people not to join, I lessen my chances of meeting someone on there by no new members joining, but I like to think of it as “taking one for the team.” 

     If you or someone you know is looking for a dating site here are a few successes I know:  Cousin Jo-Jo, recently married, e-harmony.  Best friend from high school, engaged and baby on the way, plentyoffish.  And another friend’s current boyfriend and smooth sailing relationship,  

And just in case you’re not completely sold on my argument, have a look at the most recent “perfect match” for me.  This seem acurate to you?

More Bug Wine, Please

     Even though the date with Private Dick didn’t go swimmingly, I still had two others to tackle last week.  Now, neither of my two remaining dates possessed immediate jump-my-bones quality, they are both in their late thirties, laid back, and seemed genuine.  Probably two of the most normal guys I’ve met in a while, which made the code naming rather challenging, but I finally got it. 

     On Wednesday, I met up for drinks with Bombay Joe.  He is tall, thin, and originally from India but moved here via San Francisco.  Had a bit of an Indian/British twang when he spoke, which made most of the conversation amusing, on my part anyway.

     What I found slightly odd about him is that he barely made eye contact with me, so I wasn’t too sure if he was interested.  But then I thought that might be a cultural thing.  When I got up to go to the bathroom I returned to find him on his phone.  I sat down, heard that it was work stuff and waited for him to hang up.  And waited.  And waited.  I began to smirk thinking, “this couldn’t possibly be happening to me two dates in a row.”  At least he told the guy he had to go and didn’t give a 5-minute date ending warning like Private Dick.  Maybe his is interested?

     At the end of the date he walked me towards my car and we had this little conversation:

Zia: So, what’s your native language?

Bombay Joe: Hindi.

Zia: And you also speak Urdu?

Bombay Joe: Yes, how do you know Urdu?

     Ah, ha.  Charmed him with my worldliness.  I’m so getting a second date.

     The next day I was all prepared to send my “thank you” text, and when I pulled out my phone I saw that he beat me to it.  Wow, knowing there’s a language called Urdu is more powerful than I thought.  We’re going out again tomorrow night.

     On Sunday I met Mr. Indecisive.  Indecision is a trait of the Grass is Greener deadly dating pattern, which is one of the more challenging ones to deal with according to Dr. D and should probably be avoided.  However, I don’t think this man thinks there is anything better on the other side, I think he is actually afraid of looking on the other side.  May find a boogeyman.

     We were sitting and chatting about all kinds of stuff, but I think he was impressed with my random baseball knowledge.  And more impressed when I told him I was the one who taught my brother how to throw a football.  But I think what he found the most impressive was my next move.  This is bound to get me another date.

     While we were chatting, I looked at my wine glass and saw something small floating in it.  I picked up the glass and saw that it was a tiny bug.

Me: There’s a bug in my wine.  Hmph.  (I then picked up my fork.)

Mr. Indecisive: We do inhale about 10-15 bugs when we sleep.  (Lovely factoid.  I have now turned my fork upside down.)

Me: Yeah.  (I swoop in and pick up the bug with the back of my fork.  And wiped it on my napkin.)  Well, the alcohol killed off any germs anyway.  It’s fine.

Indecisive: Yeah.

Me: (Gulp)

Mr. Indecisive:   In Love 

     BAM!  My lack of class outdoorsiness is so getting me another date! 

     What do you think guys, am I in?

Private Dick

     Monday I had a very romantic outing planned at Starbuck’s with my date the private investigator, we’ll call him Private Dick.

     Since I am now following the tutelage of Dr. D, I made sure I broke myself from myJust Buddies deadly dating pattern and put more effort into my appearance for the date.  The legs were already shaved so I figured, what the heck, I’ll wear a dress.  Make-up, actually took more than two minutes, and I even brushed my teeth.  I usually do the latter out of courtesy anyway.  The only issue I was having were the very vocalized digestive noises coming from my stomach.  They had been bothering me all day but I thought they would have stopped by then.

     I hopped in my car, shut the door and then more noises from the great beyond, sounded like Chewbacca was gearing up for a throw-down.  Afraid I would be too late for my date if I ran back upstairs, and didn’t want to attempt to explain why I was late, I took off and prayed the whole way.

     When I arrived, after driving like a bat-out-of-Hell, I realized I had about ten minutes to spare.  Spotted a drugstore, parked, and ran in.  Tried to make it look like I was going to buy something rather than just use them for their toilet, but at that point, who cared?  Sure as hell not me.

     Go in, line the toilet seat and sitdown.  Then, all of the sudden, I was grasping at air to save my life when the broken toilet seat starts flying out from under me.  Fortunately I’m in the handicap stall and manage to get hold of the rail before I find myself in a head-meets-tile situation.  I am now holding on for dear life, trying to check the time, and praying there’s toilet paper.

     As I’m washing my hands, my phone rings.  Fiddle-sticks, am I really late?  Walk towards the front of the store and realize I’m not and that he was just calling to tell me he is here.  Before I get too close, I catch a glimpse of myself in a car window reflection.  Damn, I’m good.  No toilet paper on my shoe, hair still intact, lip gloss still shining.  Had a little bra popping out of my dress, which I can only assume was a result of my dance with the handicap rail, and I thought a little bra action wasn’t going to hurt me.

     Private Dick stepped out of his inconspicuous dark green Hummer with “K-9” printed in yellow on the sides.  Walked up and he gave the one-arm-I-don’t-know-you-well half-hug and damn if the boy didn’t smell good.  Go in, order green tea.  He accuses me of being healthy, and then orders the same thing.  Flips through a few fifties to get to the $20 he paid with.  Man, I’m outta my league. 

     We look for a place to sit.  Both inside and outside are full.  He said let’s go outside, and walked down the walk-way and then stopped at the end.  Nice, date next to a dumpster.  Classy.  Maybe I’m out of his league.

     We are chatting and I notice his neck Tourettes.  He was watching EVERYONE.  Delivery man, Starbuck’s employees on break, teenage boys parking their car, a group of young women (according to him, badly dressed), and a man putting gas in his Corolla.  Yes, he even made note of the exact car from 100 yards away.  At this point I was thinking I must be a decoy on his stake out.  No one went unseen except maybe me.  I’m sure by the end of the date he didn’t even know what I looked like.

     He talked, I listened.  I talked, he, well, who know’s.  I learned that he’s very opinionated.  He’s European, but hate’s living in Europe, something about no room to park his Hummer.  The women from Eastern Europe are the most beautiful in the world.  Dude, your standing next to an American with Western European heritage, so thanks for that.  Mexicans are apparently all ugly and unfortunately breed too much so we are being overtaken by “the ugly.” 

     At one point he actually answered his phone mid sentence.

Private Dick: Hey, can I call you back in five minutes?

Me: (thinking) Well, guess we’ll be finishing up in five minutes then.

     Then I got this flattering conversation:

Private Dick: I took my profile down because all the women are nothing.  They’re crap.

Me: Uh, thanks.

Private Dick: (quickly) No, not you.

Me: Ah, yeah.

     Needless to say the date ended soon after that.  This time I got a two-arm-I-don’t-know-you-well hug.  What can I say, he did smell really good so I took it.  Then I got an over the shoulder, “Hey, call me sometime.”

     Yeah, dude, that’ll happen.   



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