Posts Tagged ‘Dating’

Leaving it to Fate

     I celebrated the New Year with good friends at a small family owned bar.  They treated patrons to a champagne toast every hour until our time zone reached midnight.  My wingwoman, Half-pint, was picked up by a twenty-year-old kid, and I was followed around by his older cousin, Puppy-Dog, for a majority of the night.  At the end of the night, when my friends and I decided to leave, Puppy-Dog had the gall to grab his coat and exit with us.  Hey Buddy, following me around all night like a puppy-dog and not once even attempting to buy me a drink, isn’t exactly paving the way for a New Year’s shag.  Just sayin’.  Needless to say there was no shag-time, and even though he asked for my number, the comment of, “If nothing ever happens, I just want you to know I had a good time tonight,” clearly pointed out that he was never going to use my number.  I was spot on with that call and haven’t heard from him…and I’m not losing sleep over it either.

     The first week of the New Year down, and the dating “project” for this year decided, it is time to share.  Now, this decision may bring tears to some of your eyes, as it did with Buddha Babe, but it must be done.  In my years of date-blogging, I have tackled online dating, a self-help book, speed dating, set-ups, etc.  It is time to try the only thing I haven’t tried…FATE.  This year I’m leaving the luck of my love life to Fate.  That being said, my date count will drop drastically not leaving me much to blog about.  So, unless Fate sets in motion something earth-shattering, this may most likely be my only post this year.  Don’t fret too much, I’ll still be tweeting it up from time to time.

     I thought giving myself and blog a proper send-off was in order, so I compiled a “The Best of Zia” list to keep you entertained in my dating absence.  

Post that was  numerously retweeted, reposted by other bloggers, and stirred up a hefty comment discussion: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

A Sample of the Prince Charmings that I’ve come across: Careful What You Wish For 

Even in my non-dating life I find rare jewles…and, well, maybe posting on Craigslist had something to do with it too: Oh, Sammy Boy

Zia in a guest appearance: Treasure Down Under 

Example of how I’m a class-act on a date: More Bug Wine, Please

     Thanks for reading, and best of luck to all of you in 2012.  Go out there and get your flirt on!

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Top 5 Lines of 2011

     As the year is coming to a close, I took a few moments to relive some of the best lines I’ve heard this year.  I’m sure everyone has their favorites, but these are what did it for me.

     Coming it at #5 is from everyone’s favorite spider-fearing dater, Mr. Fig Newton.  He found me again on match.com after two years and tried to rekindle what was never there.  I politely turned him down and he responded with:

“Just because you pass, doesn’t mean I have to.”

     Confidence is very important when it comes to dating.  So that is why in the #4 spot we have a guy full of it.  Sadly, he didn’t have the maturity or personality to follow it up.  But he does know how to get your attention when he spouts out:

“It’s okay, I only need three minutes to impress you.”

     Line #3 is not from one of my gentlemen callers, but rather the fabulous Lulu, who likes to meddle in my social life.  She has personally taken it upon herself to try to find me a husband this year.  Every male client she has learns my name.  And every female client is grilled to see if they have a single brother, neighbor, gardener, proctologist, etc.  On a recent visit she told me that she passed along my number to a client because she has a lot of male coworkers and they needed more women at the Christmas party.  Then another client had come in, who has a single male client, who happens to be a lawyer, so of course Lulu’s mind starts spinning out of control.  She continued with a few more of those situations, paused in her work, put her hand on my shoulder, and then said to me:

“I’m sorry.  I always try to sell you.  You’re the only one I know like you, so I sell you.”

     The #2 line of the year was not shared via blog, but it hails from Mr. Organic.  During our texting stage, he was informing me that he can cook.  He said he was good for three dates.  I found out the list, two of which were pasta, so I joked with him about trying to battle spaghetti with an Italian.  His response:

“The goal is to seduce you with my charm, intellect, and boyish good looks.  The dinner is just so you won’t be hungry while those things are happening.”

     And coming in at #1…during my first Speed Dating adventure…how could I, or anyone I’ve told, forget?  How do you to stay memorable during those five short minutes of instantly meeting someone when they are in a sea of other possibilities?  Simple, just tell her:

“I was born vaginally.”

     And there we have it.  The 2011 list of top lines I have heard this year while I was traveling through singledom.  Any classics of your own that you’d like to share?

Pet Name Peeve

     As I have said, I have been going through a bit of a drought in the dating scene.  The one date I did have over the past few months left much to be desired, like even the actual memory of the date.  This man was so boring.  After I got home from the date, I sat and watched a little TV.  Then, I got ready for bed.  While I was brushing my teeth, I thought to myself, “What did I do this evening?”  I had clean forgotten that I was even on a date earlier that night.

     I should have known the date would not end well. This guy managed to tick me off before I ever met him. Once we got to the texting stage to arrange the date, I noticed him drop a pet name to the end of one of the texts. Then, it was on the end of just about every text. Here is a sample of a few conversations:

Pet Namer: When can we meet, mi amore?
Zia: blah blah
Pet Namer: Anywhere, mi amore. What do you like to drink?
Zia: blah blah
Pet Namer: Good night, mi amore.
Zia’s Thoughts: What’s with all this “mi amore” stuff? You hardly know me, Dude.

The next day…

Pet Namer: Good morning.
Zia: blah blah. How are you?
Pet Namer: Good. I’m thinking about our date, mi amore.
Zia: blah blah
Pet Namer: Your choice, mi amore.
Zia’s Thoughts: This guy can’t make a decision to save his life. And more, “mi amore” crap. He must tack this on to everything. Really makes a woman feel unimportant.
Zia: blah blah
Pet Namer: Ok, mi amore.

About to vomit and cringing at the idea of a date with him, he texts again a few hours later…

Pet Namer: What are you doing, mi amore?
Zia’s Thoughts: Preparing to yak.
Zia’s response: blah blah
Pet Namer: What are your plans this evening, mi amore?
Zia’s Thoughts: To change my number, mi amoron.

     This duface behind me, I’m gearing up for my second go-around at speed dating. If you remember, not enough men showed up last time, so I got a freebie. I’ll be cashing in on that tomorrow night.  If you don’t remember, here’s a refresher. I’m anxious to see if anyone will be topping Mr. Vaginal Birth.

Curbside Attraction

     I have hit a dry spell in my dating life, and the lack of male prospects, at times, makes me a bit delirious.  It’s probably nothing to be alarmed about, but you tell me.  This is what happened at the beginning of the year during my last drought.

     One Saturday night I was heading out to meet my wingwomen for a movie and then drinks.  I pulled up to a traffic light and saw one of the homeless guys, I sometimes pass, on the corner.  I always do my best to avoid eye contact since the change in my pocket barely covers my gas to work, and a movie and drinks is splurging.  Although I avoid eye contact I do read the signs they hold.  His is my favorite, “If nothing else, give me a smile.”  That day his sign was propped on a trash bag and he was talking to some woman who was also by the corner.  Given that there was a low risk of eye contact, I stole a glimpse of the homeless guy.  He was kind of young, probably around my age, little scruffy but not all that dirty for a homeless guy.

     After the movie and a couple of drinks, I started to tell my crew about my epiphany on my car ride over.  Later I found that my friend Subtle-T was texting all this to my BFF Suzie Q.

Subtle-T: Zia has a new boy prospect.  He has a reliable location and can’t run away.  He’s a one-legged pan handler who’s very cute.

Suzie Q: Lol. What does that mean?

Subtle-T: It’s code for the homeless guy who stands at the corner.

Suzie Q: Very cute, huh? Well, there would be hope for the kids look wise.

Subtle-T: His sign even says “at least give me a smile.”

Suzie Q: Did she at least give him a smile?

Subtle-T: He wasn’t looking.  Zia has named him Jack.

Suzie Q: Sounds like she has a crush…

Subtle-T: She does, even making up stories of how he lost the leg.

Suzie Q: Oh my.

     I had decided that he lost his leg in battle.  And after returning from the war, found himself homeless.  But, after a few weeks had gone by, there was no Jack sighting.  I was beginning to think that even a one-legged homeless man had given up on me.  But then…reason to text…

Zia: There was a Jack sighting! He hasn’t left me. I’d recognize that metal leg anywhere. Unfortunately, I think we have to break up. He’s a smoker.

Subtle-T: Are you disappointed?

Zia:  Yes.  He really should take better care of himself. He had a friend with him today.

Subtle: Competition or choices for you?

Zia: Nah, this guy looked too scruffy.  And he had both legs, not my type.

To Smooch or Not to Smooch

My previous post ended with Gameless Joe Jackson having a full bladder and ready to set a wedding date.

     When we got to the second bar, he mad-dashed it to the restroom while I found seats at the bar.  Our drinking and chatting continued.  He pulled out his phone, opened up the calendar, and picked the dates he wanted to go camping.  Everything he talked about with me was always about the future.  Other than wanting to go camping for our third date, resulting in us skipping a week of seeing each other, we seemed to be right on schedule with seeing each other once a week.  A slow steady pace, but it was working for us.  So I let him know that I was going to be out-of-town the following weekend for a trip back east.

     I took another quick bathroom break, and again I found myself returning to a full beer waiting for me.  Being a week night, no food in my system, I really didn’t need it.  But I really hate being wasteful, so…bottoms up.

     On our walk back to our cars, I thought he may attempt to come through on his promised “hand-holding,” but he didn’t.  He still seemed a bit intimidated and nervous.  All I could think is that it was date three.  He most likely will go in for a kiss and that is probably what he is thinking about, right?

     We arrived at the parking lot and he walked me to my car.  I got a hug good-bye, and as he pulled away, in true gameless fashion, he said, “I was going to try and kiss you, but…uh…no…I can’t…I…” – And then walked away avoiding eye contact and looking a bit embarrassed.  I could tell, I completely fluster this guy.

     We returned to our texting over the next few days.  At the beginning of the following week, he double checked on when I was going out-of-town and then asked if I wanted to meet up the day before I left.  I said sure; however, the day we were to meet he cancel because of a test he had to study for that he had forgotten about.  I knew his school semester was coming to an end, so I didn’t think twice about it.  I told him I would only accept his cancellation if he aced the test.

     The next day we texted a bit before I hopped on my red-eye flight.  As I was about to turn off my phone I got one more text from him telling me to text him when I land so he wouldn’t worry.  Hmm…we’re at the “worrying about me” stage already?  Well, he did propose.  Guess we originally missed that step.  It was kind of adorable.

     I didn’t gush about this new guy to my entire family while I was home, but we did text quite a bit, so some people knew something was up.  He made reference to our camping trip and how he was getting ready for it.

     When I returned that following Monday, I thought I would hear from him since I knew he knew that I was returning.  Since I didn’t, I shot him a text making reference that I was back.  I didn’t hear back until about ten o’clock when I was so tired I was ready to hit the hay.  He apologized for not seeing the text sooner and was glad I made it back safely.  Before I put my head on the pillow I got this text: “…I am glad you are home.  I might have missed hanging out with you a little bit.”

     Things are sounding good…right?

 

To read the final post in The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly series, click here.

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