Speed Dater

{ June 3, 2011 @ 3:21 pm } · { Collection of Dumbasses }
{ Tags: Hurry Date, Speed Dating }

     Last night. Buddha Babe and I set out on a long-awaited adventure – Speed Dating.  We had been trying for months to get our schedules to coincide so we could check out this dating phenomena.
     After registering, we received an email telling us to put on our date shoes and to bring a pen.  Really, that’s all we need for a good date?  Then I wondered, “Hmm…think they would let me take my clipboard? I’ve been wanting to try that technique too.”
     Armed with stilettos and a writing implement, I headed out for the evening.  Decided to save the clipboard for another time, don’t want too much excitement at once.
     We checked in, got our numbers, and drinks and waited for the event to begin.  Turned out that quite a few men chickened out so we had double the women.  The hostess offered to buy the ladies who were willing to go in the second group a drink and chocolate fondue.  Don’t need to ask me twice – “Ah, barkeeper, rum and Coke, please.”
     When it was finally our time to go, we took our seats.  We had six men that would be rotating through our parade of awesomeness.  Here are how my dates went:

Speed Dater #1:  Very nice guy, teacher, little bit older.  He wasn’t really my type but, if I had a single friend that I thought he’d mesh with I’d set him up in a heartbeat.  Came across as someone you would want in your circle.

Speed Dater #2:  This guy was very entertaining.  Family owns an ambulance company.  Do you think causing self-inflicted bodily harm to see him again is cute or too stalkerish?

Speed Dater #3:  Older man and a bit…odd.  About two minutes into our five-minute date, he somehow worked into the conversation, “I was born vaginally.”  (I swear I don’t make this stuff up.)

Speed Dater #4:  This guy seemed okay, little scrawny and twitchy, but I think the line that turned me off was when he was talking about his friends.  They are apparently, “all in jail or dead.”

Speed Dater #5:  I can’t harp on him too badly because Buddha Babe is staking her claim.  Personally, he was a little too dull and boring for me.  Buddha Babe was casually eavesdropping on our conversation and noticed we had silence.  She was all too happy to bring up the fact that on their speed date they didn’t have any silences.

Speed Dater #6:  Didn’t make much eye contact.  Asian with a chick’s name. Military, mumbled, and not the sharpest tool in the shed.  We talked about where we were from and I had said the East Coast.  He then proceeded to give me a geography lesson and tell me, “…uuuh…yeah…we have two Virginias and two Carolinas.  We have West Virginia and Virginia, and we have North Carolina and South Carolina.”

Zia’s Thoughts:  We give this man a gun?

     At the end of the night, we were told to go home and be sure to check all our scores.  I’m keeping an opened mind, but the only “yes” I doled out was to Mr. 911.  We were also informed that since we are promised eight dates and so many men canceled that Buddha Babe and I have a free night of Speed Dating ahead of us.  I would say let the good times roll, but, honestly, how can someone top dead friends or vaginal birth?