Posts Tagged ‘Bad Dates’

Set-ups

     A few weeks ago my coworker, and friend, a brainy beaut who’s a barrel of laughs and absolutely b-lightful (hereby known as B’liteful) had asked me if I would date an ex-marine.  If you’re a relatively new reader, then let me make you aware that I date all “makes & models.”  Although ex-military isn’t something I look for, I can roll with it.  A little further into her questioning, I discovered that a friend of hers, Miss Match-Up, has a guy friend that she wanted to set up.  Now, how many of you cringe at the words “set up?”  I know if it were a family member attempting such a feat, that is exactly what I’d be doing.  However, this idea doesn’t bother me so much.  I mean, if you think about it, who knows you better than your friends?  And as my years {…sigh…} of online dating has proven to be unsuccessful, I’m thinking set-ups are the wave of the future for me.  While I was doing my Love in 90 Days project, I read that Dr. D highly recommends it too.  So, why not?

     At first there was a brief email introduction by Miss Match-up.  I came across as a ants-in-her-pants granny.  (May have to rethink this friends setting me up thing…)  I received a text from B’liteful later double checking my email since she’ll be sending photos in a little bit.  Having never met him herself, she was curious what he looked like.  The subject line to her email was “Um, you’re welcome.”  He was cute enough from what I could see, his “resume” wasn’t too shabby either, and he had a pizzazz-y name.  It is pronounced as a well-known word from Star Wars.  For the sake of the blog, we’ll call him R2D2.  He was worth looking into.

     We began emailing that evening, and throughout the week.  It was a little unnerving at times when B’liteful would peek into my room the next day with elongated questions like, “Soooo?” or “Weeeeell?  It was a little odd having an audience on this one.  On the other hand, getting my own personal report card was kind of nice.  I’ll have you all know that I was reported as “charming,” “beautiful,” and Miss Match-Up said he was smitten by the week’s end.

     We had planned to finally meet, and go to dinner, on Saturday.  I was a bit fatigued from a long work week and having to work Saturday morning, but I managed to squeeze in a power-nap to get me through.  All day I had this gut feeling that I should text my friend to find out how tall he was.  It is true, I’m a sucker for tall guys, but this was more out of common courtesy.  I had planned on wearing my high-heeled boots and didn’t want to tower over him if he were short.  Never know when a short-man-complex is going to jump up on you.  In the end I didn’t text…and…should have gone with my gut.

     I arrived at my date having gone all out with hair and make-up to try to disguise the suitcases that were checked under my eyes.  In my knee-high, high-heeled boots, I walked across the street to greet him, and, after emailing all week, felt the meet deserved a hug-greeting.  However, I felt a boob to face greeting was a bit too much for a first meet. I know, I’m such a prude.

     We walked into the restaurant and were seated.  This is where the date was…well…wasn’t exactly great.   R2D2’s nerves may have gotten the best of him at times because he had this uncontrollable urge to continually ask me about my “favorites.”  “What’s your favorite movie?  What’s your favorite food?  What’s your favorite TV show?”  I asked about all the favorite questions and he snapped it was a first date and what was he supposed to ask.

Sidenote:  A)  Don’t snap at your date.  You’re asking boneheaded questions.  B)  Once I give you a TV show title, guess what?  Our conversation is over.  You’re asking one-word answer questions.  Go for open-ended questions.

     Anyhow, as the chatting continued, R2D2 continually reported how he was a disappointment to his parents, kept making bizarre and numerous comments about wanting to see Bring It On: The Musical, and other tidbits that only high-schoolers would/might find fun and entertaining.  Combined that with his height and I felt like I was on a date with a teenager.  In addition, when the server came to take our order and then recommended a different type of salad from the one R2D2 ordered, he pointed out how he was trying to up-sell him.  After causing the little scene, he ordered the more expensive one.  When the server came back to check on how it tasted compared to the original salad he had ordered, he confronted him by saying that he had never had the original salad here, so how would he know.  And then pushed the matter for a couple of minutes until I chimed in and said that it tasted basically the same, to which R2D2 called me a “peacemaker” when the server left.

Sidenote: C)  Complaining about the cost of dinner in front of your date…where does that sound like a good idea?  D)  It’s a common salad that you have probably had and some point in your life.  How does it compare to that?  Don’t pick a fight with the server just because.  And don’t be a douche.

     I knew reporting back was not going to be fun, so when I got a text from B’liteful asking how it went, I told her I’d tell her on Monday.  When Monday rolled around, I filled her in.  She later reported back that he thought that I didn’t really like him.  Hmm, I can’t imagine why.

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Careful What You Wish For

     When I mentioned I was looking for pizzazz, karma had a funny way of saying, “here you go.”

     A couple of weeks ago I was contacted by a guy on match.com.  In his bio he openly mentioned that he was going bald, but what reeled me in was his body image description.  He claimed, “I’m built like a crooked stick.”  And no you pervs, he was not talking about his accessory.  Bald and the body of a prepubescent girl, if that doesn’t make a woman swoon, I don’t know what does.

     He actually looked kind of cute in his pictures and had a bit of personality. So far, we were off to a winning start. We exchanged phone numbers and, to my surprise, he gave good phone. Easy to talk to and conversation was never at a loss.

     We made plans to meet. He had mentioned during our first phone call how he wanted to get a plant for his house but he had been putting it off for fear that he would kill it.  He decided it was time he take the plunge.  I saw this as a great opportunity to break up the mundane “meet for coffee” date and suggested we go plant shopping for our first meet. He agreed.

     We had to reschedule a couple of times but finally got the day and time set. And that’s when it happened.  All the pizzazz that is Crooked Stick came out.

     He was telling me about how his house was robbed a few months ago and how he wasn’t sure if he would be able to return his TV with a piece missing.  Wasn’t really sure why he needed to return a TV if it was working, but then he filled me in on the reason.

Crooked Stick: “Ya know how Costco has a 90-day money back guarantee on electronics?”

Zia: “Um…yeah, okay.”

Crooked Stick: “Well it was time for me to return it but the do-dahwas missing and I didn’t know if they’d take it.”

Zia: “Okaaay. So every ninety days you get a new TV?” (Beginning to sense a strangeness.)

Crooked Stick: “Yeah. I upgrade to get the newest technology. If Costco is gonna offer it, I’m gonna take it.”

Zia: (He really didn’t just say that. Let me double check.) “So you never keep a TV longer than ninety days?”

     He then went into a schpeel on the how’s & why’s and ins & outs of his routine.

Zia: “That’s…a…very…unusual hobby.”  (This guy’s a bit of a loon.)

Crooked Stick: “Yeah, I wasn’t sure I was gonna tell you, but all my friends know so it was bound to come out. (slight pause) I don’t want to tell you how many though.”

Zia: “Oh, from the way you were talking, I’m already thinking double digits.” (And wacko)

Crooked Stick: “Uuh…yeah.  Definitely double digits.”

Zia: “So, you’re worried about getting a plant because you think you’ll forget to water it, but every ninety days you remember to get a new TV?”

Crooked Stick: “Yup.”

Zia: “Buy a cactus. Everytime you exchange TV’s you can water it.  I think you’ll be fine.”

Dearest Fairy Pizzazz Godmother, Maybe I need to clear a few things up…

So Long DUD Life

     Now that I am working extra hard at finding STUDs and moving away from the DUDs, I thought it would be fun to take a trip down memory lane and remember some of the DUDs from my past.  I’ve given some brief quotes from these fan favorite posts but to read the full post just click their names/titles.  With any luck there are more hopeful prospects out there than these.

DUD #5: Measuring Up

“…We arranged to meet.  He was over an hour late.  …  I knew he didn’t leave when he said he was going to and that screamed to me – maintenance.  I don’t do metro sexual.”

DUD #4: ADD Not for Me

“…A few minutes into the phone call I noticed something seemed off.  …  He asked a lot of questions and responded to everything.  Some of the responses were just a chill laid back voice, then others were passionately enraged.  We would be talking about a basic run-of-the-mill topic and then he would shout out, “Right? F%*& that Zia.  Who needs it?” OR “Screw’um.  Good for you Zia.  F$*# them.  F&^#@* bullshit, am I right?

Whoo – okay fella – breathe.

…between the phone call and the first meet I’m pretty sure he forgot my name, until one day when he called, after I told him I’d be working, and conveniently got my voicemail.

…his master plan for a second date was to smoke up.” 

DUD #3: Funny Stuff

“For anyone who has ever tried to contact someone via internet dating, standing out from the pack is crucial.  However, some of you should recheck your filter…

…my new favorite (email) came in the other day.  It’s so horrible that I wouldn’t do it justice to only explain it.  I present to you, spelling and punctuation mistakes and all, direct quote:

Subject: Funny Stuff

“so theres this drunk right? now hes wasted by noon and decides hes gotta pee so he whips it out and starts going in the middle of the street now this lady walking by stops stares and starts yelling “what an animal what a beast what a monster” the drunk says “easy lady easy I got a good hold on him” hope that got you to laugh and hope youll give me the chance to laugh alongside you soon”

          Oh, I’m laughing, but probably not for the reasons you would like.”

Later, since I responded to Funny Stuff and “tried to explain why it wasn’t the best approach,” he wrote back.  And “foreseeing his response, he accused me of having no sense of humor.  No, not the case I replied. 
Then he decided he wanted to start over.  He reintroduced himself.  Then I got a joke about a monkey holding a…”

And two of my personal favorites:

DUD #2: From my Wingwoman search – Sammy Boy He was, “I have to say, quite ballsy to answer a ‘wingwoman’ ad and blatantly ignore the woman part.”  His emails were classically entertaining with his verbal diarrhea.

And DUD #1: Mr. Fig Newton

“…The time between our second and third date my phone was flooded with more useless texts and again the word “sexy.” … I don’t know, something about hearing that over and over again from a man who hardly knows you is just creepy and pervy (and not pervy in a good way.)

…I was driving up again.  I didn’t mind because I had the day off and he didn’t. … I got to his house – no answer.  Here’s a suggestion: a girl is driving over an hour to see you – Be Home!”

 

       If this is your first read of these DUDs, I hope you understand my pain.  If you feel my pain, I’m super sorry.  And if you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know that these DUDs are just the tip of the iceberg.

     I do have some new men in the works and am keeping my fingers crossed.  However, if any of you know of any STUDs you’d like to send my way…my email is in the sidebar. Shy Whistler