Posts Tagged ‘pick-up lines’

Top 5 Lines of 2011

     As the year is coming to a close, I took a few moments to relive some of the best lines I’ve heard this year.  I’m sure everyone has their favorites, but these are what did it for me.

     Coming it at #5 is from everyone’s favorite spider-fearing dater, Mr. Fig Newton.  He found me again on match.com after two years and tried to rekindle what was never there.  I politely turned him down and he responded with:

“Just because you pass, doesn’t mean I have to.”

     Confidence is very important when it comes to dating.  So that is why in the #4 spot we have a guy full of it.  Sadly, he didn’t have the maturity or personality to follow it up.  But he does know how to get your attention when he spouts out:

“It’s okay, I only need three minutes to impress you.”

     Line #3 is not from one of my gentlemen callers, but rather the fabulous Lulu, who likes to meddle in my social life.  She has personally taken it upon herself to try to find me a husband this year.  Every male client she has learns my name.  And every female client is grilled to see if they have a single brother, neighbor, gardener, proctologist, etc.  On a recent visit she told me that she passed along my number to a client because she has a lot of male coworkers and they needed more women at the Christmas party.  Then another client had come in, who has a single male client, who happens to be a lawyer, so of course Lulu’s mind starts spinning out of control.  She continued with a few more of those situations, paused in her work, put her hand on my shoulder, and then said to me:

“I’m sorry.  I always try to sell you.  You’re the only one I know like you, so I sell you.”

     The #2 line of the year was not shared via blog, but it hails from Mr. Organic.  During our texting stage, he was informing me that he can cook.  He said he was good for three dates.  I found out the list, two of which were pasta, so I joked with him about trying to battle spaghetti with an Italian.  His response:

“The goal is to seduce you with my charm, intellect, and boyish good looks.  The dinner is just so you won’t be hungry while those things are happening.”

     And coming in at #1…during my first Speed Dating adventure…how could I, or anyone I’ve told, forget?  How do you to stay memorable during those five short minutes of instantly meeting someone when they are in a sea of other possibilities?  Simple, just tell her:

“I was born vaginally.”

     And there we have it.  The 2011 list of top lines I have heard this year while I was traveling through singledom.  Any classics of your own that you’d like to share?

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The Newest Hot Spot

     Who knew that after years of bar hopping, drunk-girl-sexy-arms-in-the-air dancing, paying cover charges, and countless hours on my hair, that the newest hot spot to get hit on would be public transportation?  All that time and effort and all I needed to do was pull my hair in a ponytail, throw on some sunglasses and I’d be golden?

     A few weeks ago, I got on the subway, pulled out my Sudoku, and sat, minding my own bee’s wax, waiting for the train to leave.  As soon as the doors closed, I heard this from the beer belly filled white t-shirt to my left:

Beer Belly:  Are you a psychiatrist?

Zia:  No. 

Beer Belly:  A therapist?

Zia:  No.

Beer Belly:  Oh, you look like one.  You look like one of those really smart people.

Zia:  . . . ah . . .

Beer Belly:  Are you a lawyer?

Zia:  No.

Beer Belly:  What are you?

Zia’s Thoughts:  Do I have to talk to this guy?  When’s the next stop?  He’s going to guess every “smart person” profession if I don’t spit something out.  I could tell him anything.

Zia:  I’m a teacher.

Beer Belly:  Oooh, yeah, I can see that.  Blah blah blah…

Zia’s Thoughts:  Oh Christ.  Should have told him I was a stripper.

     Last week I stumbled upon Train Guy.  He is big and tall and with his shaved head has a definite presence when he enters a room, or a train car in this instance.  He sat next to me and asked for help finding his way.

     Even though I was texting away on my phone, he started chatting with me.  Usually that irks me, but he wasn’t a total bafoon so I didn’t mind.  At one point, he said, “You should call me sometime.  Let me give you my number.”  Nice, straight forward approach.

     He sent me a text the next day, and I am assuming my rock solid directions of, “go up the stairs and turn right,” were spot on that he thinks I’m a keeper.  Asked if I was single.  Again, straight forward approach.

     We have texted back and forth a bit over the past few days.  One text read, “. . .I find you amazingly attractive and glad you’re single.”  Mmm. . . okay, you can stay a while.

     On Monday, however, this man’s straight forward approach did not work for me.  You know those people who as soon as you see them you have this feeling that something is off?  You know something is up, something is going to happen?  Well, when I sat next to Bold & Beautiful, I got just that vibe.  He was a tall muscle-y black guy in a stereotypical do-rag.  He was definitely beautiful, but surrounded in an aura of crazy.

     I sat down and pulled out my phone to switch it to vibrate.

Bold & Beautiful:  Aghgorhoss….

Zia’s Thoughts:  Oh lordy, he’s talking to me.  I’m not even sure that was English.  Just keep looking at phone and it will stop.

Bold & Beautiful:  Wow.  Bljaknsrku…

Zia’s Thoughts:  Huh?  And what is he looking at?

Bold & Beautiful:  You get pedicures all the time?  You just got one?

Zia’s Thoughts:  Oh, something audible.  Guess I should answer since it’s not stopping.  But I’ll keep my face glued to my phone.

Zia:  No.  I did them myself.

Bold & Beautiful:  (staring intently at my feet)  Damn!  You got the prettiest feet I ever seen.

Zia:  Ah, thanks?

Bold & Beautiful:  What’s your ethnic background?

Zia:  Mostly Italian.  Some French and Albanian.

Bold & Beautiful:  Mmm–hmmmm.  That’s why you look so .  All that stuff mixed together.fine

Zia:  (small chuckle slips out, bright red face and big smile trying to hold in the remaining laughter)

     Fortunately Bold & Beautiful got off at the next stop. 

     Guys, if you are trying to narrow down the number of fish in your pond, opening with, “Hello, I have a foot fetish,” should do the trick.