Archive for November, 2009

Friends with…


          What are these you ask?  Well, these are when you’ve reached the phone number exchange phase with a man who can’t be bothered to talk.  Sadly, this has happened to me on more than one occasion.  They all start off super-eager to meet me and then the phone flood of texts start arriving.  As the fabulous Erica said in her comment on ADD Not for Me:

“I cant give up my cell number to the strangers I’m meeting anymore. I did it to one and he constantly texted me and it just drove me nuts. I stick to msn prior to the meeting, sure its not the same thing, but it works.”

… Maybe she’s on to something.

          Texter #1 – I never actually met this guy.  We managed to talk on the phone once and I got a total dork vibe from him.  Don’t get me wrong, I like a little bit of nerd in the mix but not a total dweeb package.  He would message at all the wrong times – I’d be asleep or at work.  He apparently had no concept of time.  What finally did him in was his total lack of  awareness to anything I said.  I told him I was working one weekend and wouldn’t be around.  Boy genius sent me a text on a Friday night at midnight and wanted to know if I wanted to go play pool right then and there.  Friday night…midnight…”pool”…pretty sure the escort service number was confused for mine.

          Texter #2 – I did meet this guy.  We met and hit it off okay.  Then I didn’t hear from him for a while.  No loss, there were no sparks flying.  Like Sleepy Urkel, I figured us to be just friends.  Then out of the blue he would send a text.  I’d respond.  He’d respond back.  I’d respond back.  Then he’d respond again.  Like I mentioned before, questions are the breath of a conversation.  If they are just statement texts going back and forth, then after two responses I stop.  I had a hunch with this guy though, and sure enough within five minutes I received another text, this one containing a question.  Good boy, he figured some things out.  And to his credit every once in a while after about seven texts he’d just pick up the phone and call.  But with his sporadicness, not a New Year’s hopeful.  And for those of you asking why I didn’t just pick up the phone and call him, he too would text when I was working.  He would plan his call for when he thought I’d be near my phone.  Hey, I did say he figured some things out.

          And texter #3 – The man who doesn’t get that just because we met online, doesn’t mean I want to keep the relationship in a tech-format.  Let’s think of your online profile as your application.  If I read it and like what I see, then I’ll call you in for an interview.  Now, sometimes there is a phone interview and if that is passed then we go on to the in person interview where I really get to see if you’re right for the job.  However, if the interview never takes place, guess what – the job goes to someone with balls enough to call.

          So, to recap:

Texter #1 – Pay attention to what the woman says.  Thought that rule has already been explained in many many movies, sit-coms, songs…

Texter #2 – Coming and going doesn’t keep you fresh on the girl’s mind.

Texter #3 – What are you waiting for?  Grow a pair and go land that job!

Really, That’s the Impression You Want to Make?

          For anyone who has ever tried to contact someone via internet dating, standing out from the pack is crucial.  However, some of you should recheck your filter…

          One of my favorite subject lines I received was, “Quesadillas are good.”  – Hey, it did get my attention.  Granted, that was the only thing to get my attention.  Apparently he knew the merchandise he was trying to push.

          Another tasteful attention getter was, “On harnesses.”  Wonder how many he wins over with that one?

          Some of the subject lines are just average, normal, non-shockers.  For those, it’s the content of the email that gets you.

          Once had a guy email something about taking a chance on him or something along those lines.  I clicked over and read his profile.  Nothing of interest so I deleted the email.  I then got an email in ALL CAPS telling me I must not be as nice as I came across in my profile and shouldn’t judge people so quickly.  I was feeling generous that day, so I emailed back some advice:

“I actually did click on your profile.  You mentioned not judging ‘a book by its cover’ in the last line of your bio.  And screaming at me in ALL CAPS is not exactly making you look like any less of an ass.”

          Amazing how quickly I got an apology email. 

          I always enjoy the first email that asks you on a date.  But I got the smoothest one last night.  After giving me all the details to the event, which sounded very generic, like he’d been copying and pasting the same message until he found a taker, I scrolled down to see the picture he sent with the message.  It was him hugging another woman who was definitely not his sister.  Oh, and did I mention, he’s already contacted me before?  Buddy, pretty sure third time won’t be the charm either.

          Another great way to turn a woman off is to put this in the email, “You seem like you know what you want and you’re not the one to be playing games.  Hope to hear from you soon. Oh ya, if you pass me up you’d regret it and miss out on an awesome guy.”  

          Hmm…didn’t you just say I seem to know what I want?  Well, if I know what I want and I pass you up, then I’m pretty sure I know I don’t want you and therefore am not missing much.  Nothing screams desperation and idiot like telling a woman she’s stupid for looking you over.  Don’t worry cupcake, I still sleep at night.

          Now, my new favorite came in the other day.  It’s so horrible that I wouldn’t do it justice to only explain it.  I present to you, spelling and punctuation mistakes and all, direct quote:

Subject: Funny Stuff

“so theres this drunk right? now hes wasted by noon and decides hes gotta pee so he whips it out and starts going in the middle of the street now this lady walking by stops stares and starts yelling “what an animal what a beast what a monster” the drunk says “easy lady easy I got a good hold on him” hope that got you to laugh and hope youll give me the chance to laugh alongside you soon”

          Oh, I’m laughing, but probably not for the reasons you would like.

The Imaginary 3rd Wheel has some pretty good stuff.  It got me thinking that I should share my worst date ever with you.

           I have blocked this man’s name from my memory so we’ll just call him Big Bug Eyed.

          On the phone I realized he didn’t really get my sense of humor, but found himself very amusing.  He seemed to be quite a talker, so there would be conversation, I thought.

          We met at a restaurant and were seated.  The man works in the medical field but went to culinary school; so, I thought maybe he’d have some good menu suggestions.  He ordered spaghetti & meatballs.  I was raised with the idea of order something you like but probably won’t make at home.  He said he always orders spaghetti & meatballs.  Not seeing how the tuition money was well spent.

          Anyway, during the course of the meal he talked…and talked…and talked.  He told stories about his life – none fascinating – and often used the empty chair to his left to speak to the imaginary person from his story.  I understand turning your head to add emphasis to a story but this was insane.  By the end of the night I was actually seeing a person in that chair too.

          He told one story about people saying or someone thinking he was gay.  “I’m not gay,” he shouted to the imaginary chair guy.  “I’m not gay.  Other people may be and it’s okay, but I’m not gay.”  Dude, I know.  I’m on the date with you – stop shouting.

          I asked what he was doing on the 4th of July, giving him the perfect opportunity to, in turn, ask me.  Well that didn’t happen.  His soliloquy took us into dessert.

          When I thought the conversation couldn’t get any worse, there it was, the mention of the Ex.  I have to say, the first time a guy talked about his Ex on a date with me, I was in disbelief.  I really thought it only happened in movies.  But Big Bug Eyed beat him by a landslide.  Not only was she an Ex, she was his ex-fiancée.  I heard about her, her parents, all the details of how he proposed, why they broke up, how her parents were a cause for the break up – oh dear God it went on.

          I excused myself and went to the bathroom at one point.  On my way up the stairs my mind was racing – who can I find, who can save me, I need to get out of here.  I got to the bathroom and called my best friend.  I have never walked out on a date but I really really wanted to.  I chatted with her for a minute to regain my sanity, hung up, and then thanked my lucky stars I had a cold and drove myself.

          When I returned to the table he asked if I wanted dessert and I said no thank-you.  My cold had almost completely cleared up but I had just enough phlegm left to pull off a convincing cough.  I told him it was time for my cough syrup which I left in my car.

          We left and got in the elevator to the parking garage.  Fortunately he was on a couple floors below me so we weren’t heading in the same direction.  I got to my car, drove off, and saw him standing by his car on his phone talking on my way down.  I sped by and ducked so he wouldn’t see me.

          On my drive home I got a text saying what a great time he had.  Oh, My.  Then I got home and had another text saying that he made it home safely.  Good for you, I didn’t ask and didn’t care.  The next day I get another text asking me what plans I had for the 4th

Dude, seriously!?  Now you want to ask me?

ADD Not for Me

Here’s an update on the latest stew-nod: first we emailed, then exchanged numbers, then had our first phone call…

          A few minutes into the phone call I noticed something seemed off.  He sounded distracted, like he was watching TV or something, but I didn’t hear any background noise.  He asked a lot of questions and responded to everything.  Some of the responses were just a chill laid back voice, then others were passionately enraged.  We would be talking about a basic run-of-the-mill topic and then he would shout out, “Right? F%*& that Zia.  Who needs it?” OR “Screw’um.  Good for you Zia.  F$*# them.  F&^#@* bullshit, am I right?

Whoo – okay fella – breathe.

          Then we’d change subjects, move on, then out of no where – “But F*@# that…(enter a prior subject here.)”

Oh, we’re back on this subject again?  Okay.

          After this went on for about thirty minutes he finally said, “Yeah, I have ADD, don’t know if you’ve noticed that.”  (Oh, believe me, I noticed something.)  “I actually was just recently diagnosed.”  (Mystery solved.)

          So the scattered conversation continued for a while.  I kept trying to end the conversation, but how can you when you don’t know where it’s headed?  Then finally he said, “…My dog’s eating this food and she’s kind of fussy.  So today I tried a new food and – well, Zia, I have to go to the bank now.  I’ll call you again sometime.”  And that was it, an instant ending.

          I managed to contain my laughter during the call but after the hang up I lost it.  I knew he would call again because he seemed to really enjoy talking to/at me.  And for my own amusement, I knew I’d agree to meet him someday.  However, between the phone call and the first meet I’m pretty sure he forgot my name, until one day when he called, after I told him I’d be working, and conveniently got my voicemail.

          After getting our conflicting schedules in sync, we finally met.  We took his new pup for a walk around town.  Nice change from the Starbuck’s meet’n’greet.  He walked towards me, not as short as I was anticipating, with the cutest little yorkie – however, he thinks it’s a dashound.  Not dealing with a genius apparently.

          After he sized me up he said, “Oh my God, how weird is that, were dressed exactly the same?”

          I, being me, was oblivious to this.  About a moment later, his dog came up to me and he said, “She must be confusing you with me.  We’re both wearing gray pants.”  – Yeah buddy, that’s it.

          Again, the conversation went everywhere.  How he doesn’t have constant dry mouth is beyond me.  At one point we talked about his ADD and his meds and then he mentioned how he also did his other “medicine.”  I, of course, played dumb – come on buddy, say it, you’re a 36-year-old pot-head.  For me, major turn-off, not that I was feeling compelled to jump his bones anyway.  Case of the Asian flat ass.  I think his may have actually indented.

          The rest of the stroll went something like this:  Yes, I smoke pot…I can’t believe we’re wearing the same outfit…I’m the top salesman in the country…What does it say about us if we dress the same…I like to write…Wonder what people are thinking when they see us walking in the same clothes…I can’t get into that, but I know shit…I love to swear…You think I’m crazy don’t you?

Me: Yeah, lil’bit.

          At the end of the walk he wanted to get together again.  This man totally entertains me but probably not for the reasons he’d like.

          He shot me a text over the weekend wanting to hangout sometime during the week.  I told him what day worked for me.  He sent a text earlier that day asking if I still wanted to hangout.  He called in the evening.  That conversation went something like this:

Him: You don’t do any “treatments, do you?”

Me: (playing dumb) What?

Him: Pot.

Me: No.

Him: Are you straight-laced?

Me: Sure.

Him: Well, that’s what I was planning.  Hey, you go running in the morning, can I go with you?

          So, his master plan for a second date was to smoke up.  Guys, here’s a bit of advice: That plan’s not a winner.  He decided he wanted to go running with me in the morning if he wasn’t to drained from his evening activities.

  🙂  I haven’t heard from him again.

Mr. Fig Newton

          I went on a few dates a while back with a guy I, of course, met online.  He started off promising, but things quickly went downhill from there.  During our first phone conversation I found he was very eager to meet me.  Why, I don’t know; he didn’t know much about me.  After that call I got lots of “good morning sexy” and “send me a picture” texts.  One word – Irritating.

          When we finally did the predictable meet at Starbucks I noticed – I was being interviewed.  He said flat out that he was looking for a relationship.  I found the blunt honesty refreshing.  However, he was grilling me with question after question; my thoughts on divorce, deal breakers, race issues, etc. and not really leaving room for me to ask questions in return.  The few I did sneak in, he did answer well to my liking so I agreed to a following date.

          Here is where a slightly bigger problem arose; he lives a little over an hour away.  Our first meet he happened to be in the area, but for the second he wanted me to drive up – fair enough, so I did.  He made comments about how lazy he was in regards to driving during our first meet.  I took that as a red flag.  If this were to work I’d expect some give-n-take on the driving bit.  I work two jobs to his one, so his schedule is a little more free and flexible.  Offering to drive down occasionally would be nice.

          Second date was fine, just a movie, some chatting, and a comment on the stop with the “sexy” shit.

          The time between our second and third date my phone was flooded with more useless texts and again the word “sexy.”  I was much more firm in the response and basically told him, “You can think it, but don’t say it.”  I don’t know, something about hearing that over and over again from a man who hardly knows you is just creepy and pervy (and not pervy in a good way.)

          For our third date, I was driving up again.  I didn’t mind because I had the day off and he didn’t.  Well, the third date was the last date.  Please, allow me to elaborate.

          On my drive up he called to see where I was.  I got to his house – no answer.  Here’s a suggestion: a girl is driving over an hour to see you – Be Home!

          He called and said he was getting food.  When he finally did show up his “food” was sports drinks and Fig Newtons from the 99¢ store.  Not exactly the meal I was envisioning.

          He has a game room in his house.  We played chess…three times, then dominoes…twice, then he asked if I wanted to play pool.  Ah, no.  At this point I was starving.  He offered me another Fig Newton.

          We went down to his home theater because he wanted me to experience his prized possession.  Like I’ve never been to a movie theater before?  He was having trouble getting it to work.  I said it was fine and was politely trying to leave.  He wouldn’t give up.  Finally I just chose the shortest comedy I could find so I could watch it and go.

          After the movie I got my stuff and was heading for the door.  [BTW – The guy is afraid of spiders.  And has a spider living outside his front door.]  So, instead of putting on shoes and walking me to my car or giving me a hug and waving at the door, he clung to the Fig Newtons, stood five feet from the door, and said, “I see its shadow.”

          I said bye, walked right over the “big scary spider,” hopped in my car and drove to the nearest drive-thru.

          The nail in the coffin…about 2 or 3 days later I get an out of the blue text that said: “Have you ever thought about kissing me?”

          What!?  Are we 14?  Do you want to pass me a note in class and ask me to circle ‘yes’ or ‘no’ if I like you or not?

          He sent me one more text after that, to which I did not respond.  Haven’t heard from him since and I’m not losing sleep over it. 

« Previous entries