Mr. Fig Newton

          I went on a few dates a while back with a guy I, of course, met online.  He started off promising, but things quickly went downhill from there.  During our first phone conversation I found he was very eager to meet me.  Why, I don’t know; he didn’t know much about me.  After that call I got lots of “good morning sexy” and “send me a picture” texts.  One word – Irritating.

          When we finally did the predictable meet at Starbucks I noticed – I was being interviewed.  He said flat out that he was looking for a relationship.  I found the blunt honesty refreshing.  However, he was grilling me with question after question; my thoughts on divorce, deal breakers, race issues, etc. and not really leaving room for me to ask questions in return.  The few I did sneak in, he did answer well to my liking so I agreed to a following date.

          Here is where a slightly bigger problem arose; he lives a little over an hour away.  Our first meet he happened to be in the area, but for the second he wanted me to drive up – fair enough, so I did.  He made comments about how lazy he was in regards to driving during our first meet.  I took that as a red flag.  If this were to work I’d expect some give-n-take on the driving bit.  I work two jobs to his one, so his schedule is a little more free and flexible.  Offering to drive down occasionally would be nice.

          Second date was fine, just a movie, some chatting, and a comment on the stop with the “sexy” shit.

          The time between our second and third date my phone was flooded with more useless texts and again the word “sexy.”  I was much more firm in the response and basically told him, “You can think it, but don’t say it.”  I don’t know, something about hearing that over and over again from a man who hardly knows you is just creepy and pervy (and not pervy in a good way.)

          For our third date, I was driving up again.  I didn’t mind because I had the day off and he didn’t.  Well, the third date was the last date.  Please, allow me to elaborate.

          On my drive up he called to see where I was.  I got to his house – no answer.  Here’s a suggestion: a girl is driving over an hour to see you – Be Home!

          He called and said he was getting food.  When he finally did show up his “food” was sports drinks and Fig Newtons from the 99¢ store.  Not exactly the meal I was envisioning.

          He has a game room in his house.  We played chess…three times, then dominoes…twice, then he asked if I wanted to play pool.  Ah, no.  At this point I was starving.  He offered me another Fig Newton.

          We went down to his home theater because he wanted me to experience his prized possession.  Like I’ve never been to a movie theater before?  He was having trouble getting it to work.  I said it was fine and was politely trying to leave.  He wouldn’t give up.  Finally I just chose the shortest comedy I could find so I could watch it and go.

          After the movie I got my stuff and was heading for the door.  [BTW – The guy is afraid of spiders.  And has a spider living outside his front door.]  So, instead of putting on shoes and walking me to my car or giving me a hug and waving at the door, he clung to the Fig Newtons, stood five feet from the door, and said, “I see its shadow.”

          I said bye, walked right over the “big scary spider,” hopped in my car and drove to the nearest drive-thru.

          The nail in the coffin…about 2 or 3 days later I get an out of the blue text that said: “Have you ever thought about kissing me?”

          What!?  Are we 14?  Do you want to pass me a note in class and ask me to circle ‘yes’ or ‘no’ if I like you or not?

          He sent me one more text after that, to which I did not respond.  Haven’t heard from him since and I’m not losing sleep over it. 



  1. Erica Said:

    lol, that’s a funny story. I should write about the dates on my site.

  2. Jimmy Said:

    Nice post, sexy.
    Oh, and who won at dominoes?

  3. Katarina Said:

    That is hilarious ziazitella – I admire your gusto! LOL – and yes, I think Jimmy is trying to be cute – he’ll get there. 😉

  4. Anita Kloo Said:

    I’m surprised you hung in there that long. I would have left after the first game of chess. He acts 14 via text, but 85 in person – what guy purposely buys Fig Newtons and plays chess/dominoes? That is saying, I don’t want any action tonight.

    • ziazitella Said:

      Think I hung in there b/c I thought something more would be coming. Negative on that.

  5. bruce Said:

    Seriously?! LMAO…. This is priceless! I can see its shadow? Here’s a fig newton!

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