Posts Tagged ‘Dating Blog’

Leaving it to Fate

     I celebrated the New Year with good friends at a small family owned bar.  They treated patrons to a champagne toast every hour until our time zone reached midnight.  My wingwoman, Half-pint, was picked up by a twenty-year-old kid, and I was followed around by his older cousin, Puppy-Dog, for a majority of the night.  At the end of the night, when my friends and I decided to leave, Puppy-Dog had the gall to grab his coat and exit with us.  Hey Buddy, following me around all night like a puppy-dog and not once even attempting to buy me a drink, isn’t exactly paving the way for a New Year’s shag.  Just sayin’.  Needless to say there was no shag-time, and even though he asked for my number, the comment of, “If nothing ever happens, I just want you to know I had a good time tonight,” clearly pointed out that he was never going to use my number.  I was spot on with that call and haven’t heard from him…and I’m not losing sleep over it either.

     The first week of the New Year down, and the dating “project” for this year decided, it is time to share.  Now, this decision may bring tears to some of your eyes, as it did with Buddha Babe, but it must be done.  In my years of date-blogging, I have tackled online dating, a self-help book, speed dating, set-ups, etc.  It is time to try the only thing I haven’t tried…FATE.  This year I’m leaving the luck of my love life to Fate.  That being said, my date count will drop drastically not leaving me much to blog about.  So, unless Fate sets in motion something earth-shattering, this may most likely be my only post this year.  Don’t fret too much, I’ll still be tweeting it up from time to time.

     I thought giving myself and blog a proper send-off was in order, so I compiled a “The Best of Zia” list to keep you entertained in my dating absence.  

Post that was  numerously retweeted, reposted by other bloggers, and stirred up a hefty comment discussion: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

A Sample of the Prince Charmings that I’ve come across: Careful What You Wish For 

Even in my non-dating life I find rare jewles…and, well, maybe posting on Craigslist had something to do with it too: Oh, Sammy Boy

Zia in a guest appearance: Treasure Down Under 

Example of how I’m a class-act on a date: More Bug Wine, Please

     Thanks for reading, and best of luck to all of you in 2012.  Go out there and get your flirt on!

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More Bug Wine, Please

     Even though the date with Private Dick didn’t go swimmingly, I still had two others to tackle last week.  Now, neither of my two remaining dates possessed immediate jump-my-bones quality, they are both in their late thirties, laid back, and seemed genuine.  Probably two of the most normal guys I’ve met in a while, which made the code naming rather challenging, but I finally got it. 

     On Wednesday, I met up for drinks with Bombay Joe.  He is tall, thin, and originally from India but moved here via San Francisco.  Had a bit of an Indian/British twang when he spoke, which made most of the conversation amusing, on my part anyway.

     What I found slightly odd about him is that he barely made eye contact with me, so I wasn’t too sure if he was interested.  But then I thought that might be a cultural thing.  When I got up to go to the bathroom I returned to find him on his phone.  I sat down, heard that it was work stuff and waited for him to hang up.  And waited.  And waited.  I began to smirk thinking, “this couldn’t possibly be happening to me two dates in a row.”  At least he told the guy he had to go and didn’t give a 5-minute date ending warning like Private Dick.  Maybe his is interested?

     At the end of the date he walked me towards my car and we had this little conversation:

Zia: So, what’s your native language?

Bombay Joe: Hindi.

Zia: And you also speak Urdu?

Bombay Joe: Yes, how do you know Urdu?

     Ah, ha.  Charmed him with my worldliness.  I’m so getting a second date.

     The next day I was all prepared to send my “thank you” text, and when I pulled out my phone I saw that he beat me to it.  Wow, knowing there’s a language called Urdu is more powerful than I thought.  We’re going out again tomorrow night.

     On Sunday I met Mr. Indecisive.  Indecision is a trait of the Grass is Greener deadly dating pattern, which is one of the more challenging ones to deal with according to Dr. D and should probably be avoided.  However, I don’t think this man thinks there is anything better on the other side, I think he is actually afraid of looking on the other side.  May find a boogeyman.

     We were sitting and chatting about all kinds of stuff, but I think he was impressed with my random baseball knowledge.  And more impressed when I told him I was the one who taught my brother how to throw a football.  But I think what he found the most impressive was my next move.  This is bound to get me another date.

     While we were chatting, I looked at my wine glass and saw something small floating in it.  I picked up the glass and saw that it was a tiny bug.

Me: There’s a bug in my wine.  Hmph.  (I then picked up my fork.)

Mr. Indecisive: We do inhale about 10-15 bugs when we sleep.  (Lovely factoid.  I have now turned my fork upside down.)

Me: Yeah.  (I swoop in and pick up the bug with the back of my fork.  And wiped it on my napkin.)  Well, the alcohol killed off any germs anyway.  It’s fine.

Indecisive: Yeah.

Me: (Gulp)

Mr. Indecisive:   In Love 

     BAM!  My lack of class outdoorsiness is so getting me another date! 

     What do you think guys, am I in?

Private Dick

     Monday I had a very romantic outing planned at Starbuck’s with my date the private investigator, we’ll call him Private Dick.

     Since I am now following the tutelage of Dr. D, I made sure I broke myself from myJust Buddies deadly dating pattern and put more effort into my appearance for the date.  The legs were already shaved so I figured, what the heck, I’ll wear a dress.  Make-up, actually took more than two minutes, and I even brushed my teeth.  I usually do the latter out of courtesy anyway.  The only issue I was having were the very vocalized digestive noises coming from my stomach.  They had been bothering me all day but I thought they would have stopped by then.

     I hopped in my car, shut the door and then more noises from the great beyond, sounded like Chewbacca was gearing up for a throw-down.  Afraid I would be too late for my date if I ran back upstairs, and didn’t want to attempt to explain why I was late, I took off and prayed the whole way.

     When I arrived, after driving like a bat-out-of-Hell, I realized I had about ten minutes to spare.  Spotted a drugstore, parked, and ran in.  Tried to make it look like I was going to buy something rather than just use them for their toilet, but at that point, who cared?  Sure as hell not me.

     Go in, line the toilet seat and sitdown.  Then, all of the sudden, I was grasping at air to save my life when the broken toilet seat starts flying out from under me.  Fortunately I’m in the handicap stall and manage to get hold of the rail before I find myself in a head-meets-tile situation.  I am now holding on for dear life, trying to check the time, and praying there’s toilet paper.

     As I’m washing my hands, my phone rings.  Fiddle-sticks, am I really late?  Walk towards the front of the store and realize I’m not and that he was just calling to tell me he is here.  Before I get too close, I catch a glimpse of myself in a car window reflection.  Damn, I’m good.  No toilet paper on my shoe, hair still intact, lip gloss still shining.  Had a little bra popping out of my dress, which I can only assume was a result of my dance with the handicap rail, and I thought a little bra action wasn’t going to hurt me.

     Private Dick stepped out of his inconspicuous dark green Hummer with “K-9” printed in yellow on the sides.  Walked up and he gave the one-arm-I-don’t-know-you-well half-hug and damn if the boy didn’t smell good.  Go in, order green tea.  He accuses me of being healthy, and then orders the same thing.  Flips through a few fifties to get to the $20 he paid with.  Man, I’m outta my league. 

     We look for a place to sit.  Both inside and outside are full.  He said let’s go outside, and walked down the walk-way and then stopped at the end.  Nice, date next to a dumpster.  Classy.  Maybe I’m out of his league.

     We are chatting and I notice his neck Tourettes.  He was watching EVERYONE.  Delivery man, Starbuck’s employees on break, teenage boys parking their car, a group of young women (according to him, badly dressed), and a man putting gas in his Corolla.  Yes, he even made note of the exact car from 100 yards away.  At this point I was thinking I must be a decoy on his stake out.  No one went unseen except maybe me.  I’m sure by the end of the date he didn’t even know what I looked like.

     He talked, I listened.  I talked, he, well, who know’s.  I learned that he’s very opinionated.  He’s European, but hate’s living in Europe, something about no room to park his Hummer.  The women from Eastern Europe are the most beautiful in the world.  Dude, your standing next to an American with Western European heritage, so thanks for that.  Mexicans are apparently all ugly and unfortunately breed too much so we are being overtaken by “the ugly.” 

     At one point he actually answered his phone mid sentence.

Private Dick: Hey, can I call you back in five minutes?

Me: (thinking) Well, guess we’ll be finishing up in five minutes then.

     Then I got this flattering conversation:

Private Dick: I took my profile down because all the women are nothing.  They’re crap.

Me: Uh, thanks.

Private Dick: (quickly) No, not you.

Me: Ah, yeah.

     Needless to say the date ended soon after that.  This time I got a two-arm-I-don’t-know-you-well hug.  What can I say, he did smell really good so I took it.  Then I got an over the shoulder, “Hey, call me sometime.”

     Yeah, dude, that’ll happen.   

 

 

Dating. . .Destruction?

     According to Dr. D, there are thirteen Deadly Dating Patterns that women could fall into.  I fell into two of them.  And I feel they are two of the “normal” ones.  If you fall into some of the others, . . . lay off the crazy juice.  She gives great examples and, of course, a more doctor-y feel, but this is how I interpreted them:

1)  FLAME OUT – This is the best relationship I’ve ever had, an amazing three hours.  I’d like a princess cut in a platinum setting, please.

2)  THE FANTASY RELATIONSHIP – Just because Shemar Moore doesn’t know me, doesn’t mean anything.  We are perfect together and will have perfect babies.

SmileyCentral.com

3)  CRUMBS – He said he is going to leave his wife.  And this is the 627th time he has promised, so I know he’s really going to do it now. 

4)  HERMIT – Peek-a-boo

     This is a semi-fit for me.  Although I’m not shy, let’s face it, after a long day of work some people just irk me.  At that point, I’d rather not share breathing space with them.

5)  I’LL MAKE YOU LOVE ME – You’ve got all the right stuff.  So, you’re not interested, no problem.  Allow me to introduce myself, “Hello, I’m Wonderwoman.”

6)  ABUSE RECYCLE – SMACK – POW – rinse – repeat

     In all honestly, my heart goes out to these women.

7)  THE SAFETY NET – Such a loyal pup.  If I leave out food, you will come back too.

8)  NOT PERFECT, I’LL PASS – You know, that third nipple doesn’t really fly with me.

9)  CHASE ME – I like you.  No, I don’t.  I do, but I’m not telling.  Let me push you away.  Okay, come back.

10)  FADE AWAY – I like you so much but I don’t want to bore you; so I’m going to sit like a stone and not talk.

11)  JEALOUSY TRAP – Oh yeah, you love me?  Well then, please stop talking to all other women forever.  Don’t look at them, eyes on the road.  Wait for the male bank teller to become available.  And if you could cut off ties with your mother, that’d really help my ego.

12)  JUST BUDDIES – Look at that hottie over there.  Sure, I’ll go put in a good word for you.  By the way, I have boobs too, but they don’t make it to the parade very often.

     Clear as a bell when I read this one.  I knew it was me just from the title.  Tomboys-R-Us.  Having worked in many male-dominate jobs, I have become exceptional at blending in so I would be treated more equally.  As a result, talking to guys is not an issue.  However, flirting is a foreign language.

13)  THE GRASS IS GREENER – Ooo, look a blonde one.  Oh, a blonde with muscles.  Whoa, brown wavy hair and muscles.  Wait.  What’s around that corner?

     Well, there you have it ladies.  Where do you fit in?

     Oh, and guys . . . don’t think you are getting off the hook so easily.  I’ll have your Deadly Dating Patterns next week.

A Little Reminder…

          I’m gearing up for my birthday next weekend.  I’m visiting my BFF this weekend, and she’s just itching to set me up.  Maybe she’s thinking it’s an early birthday gift.  But are set-ups ever really a gift?  I will go in and meet said Mystery Man with an open mind.  But today I was feeling a little nostalgic and flipped through some old posts when I stumbled upon this one.  Hope it doesn’t close my mind to meeting Mystery Man.

          These guys don’t warrant a post just for themselves as individuals; but they have made it to my Idiot Highlight Reel.

          Coming in at #5 – Clock-watcher.  This guy was fine at dinner, conversation was good on our walk, and then went to play pool.  While playing pool, all of the sudden he became distant and then kept checking his phone.  Maybe he had an epiphany that I was in no way going to sleep with him.  I’m assuming he had a sure thing on the other line.

          #4 – Mr. Lawyer.  Guy was too excited to meet me which I did not reciprocate because of his “I’m-a-lawyer-you’re-on-the-stand,” conversational skills.  Being talked down to or as if I’m an idiot isn’t going to win me over.  At the end of our date I went to the bathroom and was surprised to find that he actually was waiting for me outside the restaurant.  Then he asked if I’d like to come back here for dinner sometime.  Why are you wasting your breath?  You were bored 10 minutes in.  Don’t ask if you and I both know you’re not going to follow through.

          #3 – Mr. Teenage Boy Humor.  This guy never progressed past high school, mentally, socially, and probably emotionally too.  His bonehead move, asking to meet at a sports bar/restaurant.  The whole point of meeting in person is to talk, get to know each other, and see if there’s a connection.  He spent most of the time staring at the TV and not talking.  Why would I drive all the way out here for that?  I can watch TV at home and don’t have to listen to you chew.

          #2 – Dr. Aussie Midget.  The super short guy, who didn’t know how tall he was, sent me a text as soon as I sat on the train after the date.  He asked, “How’d it go?”  Buddy, teachers give report cards and I don’t want to take “work” home with me.

          #1 – All the dumbasses who pry to find out how many people I’ve met or am talking to.  “You probably get a lot of emails, right?”…“You’ve met a lot of people, haven’t you?”…“You probably get a lot of hits.”  And then proceed to tell me about all the people they’ve met.

          I’m on the date to meet and get to know you.  I could care less who or how many you’re talking to or how many you’ve met.  It’s not a competition.  Insecure – party of one.

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