Archive for April, 2011

Prince Handsy (Part 2)

     My last post left off at my being jumped and tongued by Prince Handsy in the FedEx store.  After he purchased his new pens, and I subtly wiped the slobber off my chin, we left.  I was thrilled to be out of the fluorescent spotlight.

     We strolled up the sidewalk a bit, he kind of hugged me from behind as we walked, told me my hair smelled good and asked what shampoo I used.  Then, for no reason, decided it was time for another tongue-to-tongue massage.  I managed to cut it short since we were gathering an audience and I had already had my fill of PDA for about a year.

     We walked on a bit more, more hands rubbing up and down my sides as we walked, and eventually stopped near his car.  He opened his car door to drop his pens off.  After a bit of a debacle of him saying he’d drive me to my car (it was only down the street), and me saying no (since I feared he would conveniently make a wrong turn to his apartment) he agreed to walk me.  He closed the car door, pulled me in, and hugged me.  As he was holding me tight he said, “I needed this.”  And right then it hit me, “Oh God, he’s a cuddler.”

Zia side note:  I am not a cuddler.  I once dated a cuddler and I was so not used to it and he was so shy, that I think he interpreted that I wasn’t into him.  Not the case, but nothing I can do about it now.

     He was still holding me when he said that going to his apartment wasn’t about sex and that he just wanted to be close to me and yada, yada, yada.  I told him he was a sweet-talker.  He pulled back a little to look at me, cocked his head and said, “Why do you say I talk sweet?”  I tried not to smirk at how adorable that came out, and then told him most girls in LA (or anywhere for that matter) would eat that up.

     This led into a brief conversation where he said he can choose.  Like I said in yesterday’s post – he was better looking than his picture.  I knew exactly what he meant.  He then told me he’s only had three dates (I assumed he meant since starting online dating.) and how he lied to them.  I needed some clarity on that because he made it sound like he lied to them to get sex and then never called them again.  I’ve had a lot of weird/bad/ridiculous things said to me on dates so him owning up to that wouldn’t have surprised me much.  Instead he shocked me by saying that he told one girl that a friend was in the hospital and he had to go.  He saw her to her car and then went back into his apartment to study.  He was trying to make it very clear that he was choosing me.

     He went in for another kiss, and the thought slipping into my brain was, “When will this be over?”  Not a thought you should have while kissing a guy.  I peaked my eyes open and saw how genuinely into it he was, yet maintaining control of his southern region, which was good because he wasn’t doing much for my southern region.  My Sleepy was…well…still asleep. (If you don’t know what My Sleepy is, then you missed some reading and need to get on it, so click here.)  At this point I went into fix-it mode.  I tried turning my head at a different angle, moving my lips a different direction, tried to figure out why there were teeth in weird places.  In one of my head adjustments, he saw that as an opportunity to lick my face all the way to my ear.  Saliva-ed around there for a while nearly ingested my earring and then made his way back to my mouth.  Felt like saying, “You sucking on my earring does nothing for me.  Just FYI.”

     And at this time I’d like to again apologize to those who witnessed the drool-in-ear moment.  I assure you I disliked feeling it as much as you disliked seeing it, maybe more.

     Finally his tongue was all over my chin and I had had enough.  There was just no help for this guy – bad slobbery kisser.  I turned my head a bit to stop and then said, “You can’t do that.”  He asked if his lips were too big.  I figured I’d be nice and rather than saying your tongue is all over the place, I put the blame on me. “No, my mouth is small.  You were getting my chin.”  Hey, why not tell him (or hint to him) right?  If he’s been going around his whole life doing that, it’s no wonder he’s single.

     We started walking to my car.  When I started getting closer to my car I noticed I had a parking ticket on my windshield.  Dang nab-it!  I read the parking sign wrong and this just became a very expensive date for me.  Prince Handsy chimed in and said if you had parked at my apartment this wouldn’t have happened.  You’ve got to admire his persistence.

     I sat in my car.  He asked when he could see me again.  I told him to call.  He was standing blocking the door so I knew there would be a hug good-bye and, if I didn’t hurt his ego, he’d probably work in another kiss.  He leaned into my car, squeezed me tight, and sure enough went in for another kiss.  But wait a minute.  The tongue is where it’s supposed to be.  There is no slobber.  Oh my God, he listened and took direction.  Holy Crap!

     As he was about to pull away, I felt his hand going up and I knew he was going in for a boob graze.  Sure enough I felt full cuppage.  It was quick.  He then moved his hand down, pulled away, and gazed at my chest.  While still looking at my mangoes, he asked, “Are they real?”  (Dear God, why do these things happen to me?)

     “Yes, they’re real,” I responded.  And like a kid looking in a toy store window, he saw exactly what he wanted for Christmas.

     He pulled away and asked when he could see.  I told him we have more things to talk about before that happens.

When I got home I received a text: Why are you scared of me?

After I had a little chuckle to myself, I responded that I wasn’t scared, I just needed to get to know him better.  I left out that I have self-respect, will-power, and am looking for a real relationship not a one-night stand.  I have  gathered not many women, if any, say no to this man.  This seems to only be making him want me more.

To read Part 3 click here.

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Prince Handsy (Part 1)

     Monday night marked my return to the dating world, and let me just say, the dating gods have an epic sense of humor.  Allow me to elaborate…

     I met this newest beau via match.com.  He’s a former pro-soccer player, but after a torn ACL, he was brought back down to earth and has to do real work.  We emailed briefly and then he asked for my number.  He called and the first thing that threw me was his accent.  We hadn’t emailed in great depth so I had no idea he was foreign.  After about a two-minute conversation, he said he wanted to take me out.  A two-minute conversation made me dinner worthy?  Wow, I must be a hell of a conversationalist.  We scheduled a day and time and hung up.

     Over the weekend he wished me a Happy Easter and confirmed plans for Monday night.  So far, I was liking this on-the-ball maturity thing. On the down side, in some texts he was referring to me meeting him at his place.  This day and age, I am not comfortable with that.  Told him I’d meet him at the restaurant.  Fast forward to date night.

     I arrived early, parked on a side street, and headed to the restaurant.  He arrived, and I initially did a double-take.  He didn’t look exactly like his picture, but I knew it was him.  Added bonus, he looked better than his picture.  When does that ever happen!?  Felt a bit rude for having my head in my phone when he arrived but fortunately I had just text him, so I didn’t feel too bad.  He said he left his phone in his car.  I won’t be sitting with a guy who keeps checking his phone?  Whoa, another added bonus.

     We grab seats at the bar.  He rambles off a few drinks that they don’t have (he made no effort to look at the bold faced drink menu they placed in front of him.)  We get our drinks and somewhere in there I directed a teasing comment toward him.  His hand then rubbed my back made its way to my leg and he responded, “I can’t kiss you now.  I have to wait.”  (Note to self: He can handle sarcasm and seems to be turned on by it.)

     The kiss comment seemed premature, just like the date invite, but it was the hand rubbing my back and leg that threw me.  It wasn’t a pervy grope, more of an, “I’m interested and attracted to you” petting.  I am not a huge PDA fan, so this caught me by surprise.

     He kept making comments about his place, and I kept thinking, “I’m not going to your place.  Why the hell do you think I met you at the restaurant?”  Although most of his English was spot-on, there were a few lost in translation moments.

     There was more back/leg rubbing and a few more sarcastic comments.  At one point he leaned in to kiss me while we were still sitting at the bar.  (Should have known better, all that sarcasm proved to be too much for him.)  I wasn’t expecting it and had turned my head, so I got a half-lip part cheek peck.

     After one drink, he pays the tab.  Thought that seemed kind of quick.  When we get outside he points to where his car is and then asks where mine is.  It was just around the corner.  He said that was okay, I could just follow him.  I asked follow him where, knowing full well he thought I was going back to his place.  After a very stern, no I’m not going to your apartment, he seemed a little hurt and confused.  Told him we could go for a walk, but I wasn’t going to go back to his place.

     We start walking and I notice he got quiet.  I made a comment about the silence, figuring he was upset that he realized he wasn’t getting laid.  He said he just gets quiet sometimes and scooped in to pull me close and returned to feeling up my back and sides again.  (Yo, Prince Handsy, you’re interested.  Don’t worry, I got the memo.)

     We walked into another bar where he thought he knew someone that worked there.  After an air-headed conversation with the blond bartended to find out the guy didn’t work there anymore, we left.  When we got outside he commented how he didn’t like the way she talked/talked to him.  (Another note to self: Doesn’t like air-heads.  Appreciates intelligence.)

     We walked passed a FedEx store and he said he needed a pen because he lost his.  He banged a U-turn in the middle of the sidewalk, grabbed my hand and went in.  He stared at the pens for a bit, so I chimed in and asked if he liked the “clicky pens” or the ones with a cap.  He said the “clicky.”  I pointed to a pack and said those are my favorites.  My eyes kind of glanced around while he made a decision.  He picked up the pack of pens, turned to me, and said (while walking at me), “Well, I know who to blame if I don’t like them.”  And before I knew what was happening – tongue down my throat, hand on my ass, and slobber making its way to my chin.

     I’d like to take this moment to apologize to all witnesses of my molestation in FedEx on Monday night.

     This, however, is not the end of the Prince Handsy’s escapade…

To read Part 2 click here.

Who would reply to that?

      With all my busy-bee and sickness at the beginning of the year, I am now starting to ease my way back into the dating world.  It has easily been a few months since my last date and with not many prospects it may be a bit longer.  I decided to search through some online dating files that match.com decided to pair me with.  I believe these have gotten worse since my return from hiatus.  It raises many questions like: What the hell are you thinking?,  What are you doing?, What kind of responses are you expecting with that verbal diarrhea?  But I believe what I really want to ask these Men-on-the-Search is, “Who would reply to that ridiculous assinine-ness you just spued all over the page?”  So I thought I’d share some of my findings and you tell me what you think.

Dude #1 scores with this top-notch tagline: Are you emotionally available?  (No, but I had nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon, so I filled out a long-ass questionnaire about myself for kicks.)

Dude #2 gets you started with a very “inviting” tagline:  Ready to start dating again… (Yes, he put the ellipsis)

Then his profile:
Please ask when regarding this topic…. (Ask what?  And why more ellipses into nowhere.)

In a nutshell, I got out of a long relationship, got hurt so I took time off from dating and now ready to see what is out there.  (Hi.  Let me introduce you to my baggage.)

Looking for similar interests, a person who has their head on straight. (This line will work well because what woman is going to respond, “I prefer keeping my head up my ass?”)

Dude #3 -His profile stands alone and needs no commentary:
One Hot Beachwalker looking for Hot Ninja Princess to share hungover walks on beach and marathon p90x sexy time sessions with. Maybe occasional yoga class, fist pump, or film & music festival. Gotta love food… but can’t be a fat arse… Gotta love booze… but can’t be saucy…. I’m sure there is someone “just right” out there for me. At least my psychic thinks so. 

     I’m single.  It’s a mystery.

Lookin’ Good

My sister’s wedding was one month ago.  Since I was burdening bridesmaid duties, I couldn’t really think in blog.  My mind was preoccupied with making bouquets, making a brown dress look good, and making time to swig down some Captain Morgan and ginger ale.  I enlisted Cousin Jo-Jo to write a post of what she observed during the Manhattan-wedding weekend. 

     With almost a year of marriage under my belt, I now feel like an expert on how it works.  And I am more than happy to explain how it works – it’s just as confusing as dating.  The only difference is now I have a permanent date to all family weddings.  The latest wedding brought Zia to us from all the way across the country and got me a front row seat to seeing her in action.  This is not something I have seen in a few years and I was eager to see how things were going with all of her new “training!”  Here is what I walked into – a typical family wedding with a not so typical family.  But, in true Italian style, they were hovering around Zia for two reasons – one because they haven’t seen her in a while and they needed to make sure each hair on her head is still there; and second, because they all needed to ask when her turn is.  When will Zia get married?  After a few drinks I even turned into one of them!  Maybe that’s what marriage does – makes you give crazy ultimatums about going home with random men to your cousin whom you want to see find that guy…or at least that “for tonight” guy!  My ultimatum was a bit cheeky.

     Here’s what I saw: a beautiful woman who is self-confident, funny and energetic, and men who seemed shocked by this phenomenon.  I get the whole “guys want to save the girl thing,” but honestly, in the world we live in we women have all saved ourselves.  We just want someone to come with us on the journey.  The men from the new side of the family seemed to love and enjoy Zia.  Although, dating wise, you could tell that they were not really into strong, confident women.  This is something I can’t figure out.  I don’t think this is anything any woman gets.

     Zia looked good.  She pulled off what could have been a very unflattering dress and made it look great.  The girls (mangoes as she calls them) were up and perky even in strapless dress.  And she was relaxed and happy despite all crazy wedding circumstances.   And yet nothing.  If a girl like Zia can’t make it happen, I’m not sure who can.  But alas, Zia and readers, there is someone out there for everyone.  Unfortunately, there are just lots of frogs to kiss on the way to that fairy tale ending.