In my previous post, it was brought up in the comment section that in order to coax the pizzazz out of my dates I should have some form of questionnaire to guide them along. Here are a few questions I have come up with thus far whose answers will help me decide if I should stay or run for the hills.
1) Everyone states in their online dating profile that family is important to them. Big whoop-tee-do. I want to know how important to you. What is your relationship like?
a) I lied. A one week visit with my family gives me constipation for a month.
b) We have a big family dinner every Sunday and I never miss it.
c) Even though they don’t live nearby, we talk often. I was the Man-of-Honor in my sister’s wedding.
d) My mom still wipes my ass.
2) My cat is adorable and I’ve had her for ten years now. Every morning she waits by the bathroom door for me after my shower and meows to let me know it is time for her morning hug. Yes, she actually hugs. Her little paws go around my neck or onto my shoulder and she squeezes. Do you have a pet? If not, are you opposed to them? If so, what is your relationship with your pet? Rate on a scale of 1-10. 1 being: I throw food down daily, but that’s about it. 10 being: I can’t make it though the night if my Great Dane, Molly, isn’t spooning me.
3) I have a love affair with chocolate and think it’s perfectly acceptable for an adult such as myself to still eat chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. If we were to go out to breakfast and I ordered these, what would your reaction be?
a) I’d turn up my nose and make a comment about your maturity level.
b) …(sound of chair pulling back)…swoosh…(date just left the building)…
c) I’d grab a fork and take you up on your offer to share.
d) I would create a to-die-for recipe involving Bailey’s Irish Cream in the batter and make you breakfast in bed instead.
4) On vacation I like to do some form of activities, like zip-lining or parasailing. What exciting activity would you like to try?
a) Skydiving, paragliding, something along those lines.
b) Curling
c) When you vacation to a nudist colony, there’s really one activity that interests me.
d) Is coach potatoing an activity?
5) Do you dance? If not are you willing to learn? If so, what style have you perfected?
a) Ballroom
b) The Chicken Dance
c) You can find me in the club, bottle full of Bud.
d) The only dance I’ve perfected is The Pee Pee.
Am I missing anything? What would you ask?
Now the only question is whether or not it is acceptable for me to show up on a date with a clipboard.