Posts Tagged ‘The Bad Date Collection’

Dating Three

            Part of Dr. D’s brilliant plan is, “The Dating Program of Three.”  You date three different men at the same time to find the one.  When one relationship fades out you simply replace him with a new guy. –I’m really liking her style.
            There are a couple of rules. 1) You can only see the guy once a week. –Works for me.  Most people get on my nerves if I see them too much anyway.  2)  No sex with any of the three until you “graduate” to exclusivity with just one. –This has not been a problem since I have not been too physically attracted to too many of them once they opened their mouths and started speaking.  However, after last Monday’s date this could pose as a challenge.  With each guy you fade out, you replace him with a better guy.  If I start going on too many dates with guys I am attracted to, I’ll be walking around all “juiced up.”  And then whoever does manage to “graduate” the program with me is going to hit the mother load.
            Last week I had three dates.  Here’s a recap and a projected outlook for these guys:

Monday Night

Guy: Cowboy

Date: Met at coffee shop.  Impromptu.  Called that night around 6pm and asked if we could “run into each other.”

Conversation: Good flow

Bonding Moment: Laughed over the barista’s resemblance to a caveman

My Shining Moment: He had a little cough from a dry throat and I fished through my purse and found him a buried (very old) cough drop.

His Shining Moment: Peeled the cough drop best he could and then ate it with a good bit of paper on it.  It’s no bug wine, but still.

Hugger: Best so far.  None of this pat-on-the-back-inches-apart-turn-to-the-side-one-armed-smell-my-armpit type hug.  He used both arms, leaned in, and squeezed.  My mangoes actually touched his chest and he wasn’t awkward teenage boy about it.

Contact After: Got a quick little email that night about how much fun I was. –Hey, I put out a good mango-touching hug.  I’m a keeper.

Status: Want to see this guy again.

Tuesday Night

Guy: Bombay Joe

Date: #3, his place –ugh.  Rule #2, no sex.  So I prayed he wasn’t thinking and hanky panky was going to take place.

Conversation: No problem as usual.  I like him because he’s funny.

Bonding Moment: His attempt at kissing me

Kisser: Horrible.  I had no idea what he was trying to do.  During his attempts, I thought, “well maybe if I turn my head this way.”  No.  “How about if I,” –Nope.  “What about…” –No.  At one point he put his entire mouth around mine, slobbered and sucked in.  WTF?  By the end, my chin was a slobbery mess.

His Not-So-Shining Moment: For whatever reason, he thought rubbing his nose all over my face was romantic?  Attractive?  A turn on?  Why the hell would I want your nose in my eye or in my ear?

My Shining Moment: Not laughing. –Well, not out loud.

Contact After: None.  Made plans during the date to see him the following week.  This was prior to the kissing fiasco.

Status: Seeing him again, but only if he calls and to give him the “kiss-off.”

Wednesday Night

Guy: Thumber

Date: Dinner at a lounge I chose.

Conversation: Eh, okay.  Nothing to write home about

Bonding Moment: Shared the same liking for the birth order theory

His Not-So-Shining-Moment: Pulled out his cell phone and showed me how his app for karma sutra.  Claims it is better than the i-phone version because they only have stick figures demonstrating the poses and his has more realistic drawings.

His Other-Not-So-Shining Moment: Talked about ex, came across as not being over the relationship.  Although, he said that during the relationship he knew she wasn’t the one but stayed with her for SEVEN years!

My Shining Moments: Not slapping him for the karma sutra app demo and not walking out after he talked about his ex. –Hey, food wasn’t bad.  Wanted to make sure I got my doggie bag out of the crap hand I was dealt for the evening.

Hugger: Two-pat-on-the-back

Contact After: None –No chance of a second date for this guy.

Status: Disappointed.  Email banter was so good, but the hype didn’t live up to it in person.

I’m Goin’ In

     I wish I had some fabulous news to report about another date with Sugardaddy, but I don’t.  Unfortunately he is out-of-town on business and all I got was one brief depressed phone call last week telling me so.  I’m flattering myself by telling myself that the depressed voice was because he was bummed that he wouldn’t get a chance to see me anytime soon.

     In other news…my date yesterday canceled on me and I couldn’t have been more thrilled.  That should tell you something right?  There needs to be some excitement, anticipation before a date.  I felt nothing.  It would have been our second date but, let’s face it, he doesn’t have a “jump-my-bones” quality about him, so really, where would the relationship be going?

     Speaking of “jumpless bones,” I had a date earlier in the week that fell into that category.  I openly admit that I’m usually oblivious when someone is interested in me.  However, I find the guys with a complete lack of game  easy to read.

     He is always super eager to see and talk to me.  What can I say, I am a stunning conversationalist.  But telling a woman your date canceled, so we should go out…aaaah…mmm.  Maybe blatantly saying they weren’t the first option is not a way to win someone over.  In this case, I really didn’t want to be the first option, so that actually worked out on my end.  And for his sake, if you’re more excited to see the backup date maybe the first date should have never existed.

     At any rate, we met at the movies.  I forwent the popcorn and decided on an overpriced box of candy.  After some wheeling and dealing we scored some seats.  We get on just fine, so chatting before the movie was no problem.  Mind you, I’m fully aware that he is more into me than I am into him.  I am very conscious of my body language and trying desperately not to give any indication that anything physical could possibly happen. 

     In all that focusing I forgot to watch my movements.  And that’s when I felt it.  Oh, shit.  I lost a Junior Mint into the great beyond.  I had a Junior Mint lodge between “my mangos.”  Looked up briefly to see that he was people watching and missed my nothing but net cleavage shot.  Now the project would be fishing it out. 

     I had a little mental conversation with myself that went something like this:  Okay, it’s a movie.  When the lights dim and he focuses on the movie I’ll go in real quick and swoop it out.  Need to be quick.  Hand down my shirt, don’t want him getting any ideas.  

Lights are dimming…and…now.  Crap, missed.

     Truth be told, “my mangos” are a little more on the “melon” side, so I had misjudged the exact location when I went in for my initial retrieval.  I have now knocked the target between my bra and tank top.

Regroup.  Second attempt.  Wait, he turned his head. 


Finger down, found target.  It’s a hit.  Target slid under left breast.  Finagle finger over top of target and return to center.  Don’t fight left breast.  This time use left breast in the assist.  Swoop and victory.

     Mission took a little longer than expected but no excitement was spotted from the man to my left, so I was in the clear.  On the other hand, I was so focused on my body language toward my date, didn’t bother to look on my other side.   Let’s just say, that was the best movie ticket that the teenage boy ever bought.  Strangely he disappeared shortly after.

Latin Boys

          Some of the most recent boys happen to be hispanic. Oddly enough, I haven’t had too many Rico Suaves contact me.  I noticed I usually get a pretty even black/white split, with the occasional Asian or Middle Easterner.  But now with the Latin boys I get waves of compliments on my appearance and that’s pretty much all they got.  Except for one.  He gets his own “special” category.

          We emailed a bit and then exchanged numbers.  He shot a text over on Thanksgiving and then tried to call that weekend.  He never left a message and I was working.  I returned his call.  No voicemail picked up so I didn’t leave a message.  Figured he’d see the missed call, like I did, and call back.  Nothing.  By Monday I basically wrote him off.

          Then about a week ago I got an out-of-the-blue email from him.  Which developed into a string of emails that went like this:

Him:  I totally forgot all about you! How have you been?

Me:    Now there’s a way to win someone back over, telling them you forgot about them! LOL
I’m fine. How about you? Where’d you disappear to?

Him:  Haha, yeah well I’m not trying to win you back over; just saying hello. Besides, I called you a couple of times at first but you never called me back so I just deleted your # and moved on. I have zero patience for games, ya know? 😉

Me:  You called a weekend I was working.  And actually, I did call you back. You didn’t answer and voicemail never picked up. You never left me a vm, so I figured you’d see my missed call and call me back. Ah, technology. Same as you though, I don’t do the game thing. ^-^

Him:  NOPE!! I called you back after you called me back! haha Anyway, you goober, call me later then…its your turn! 😉

Me:  AH – no way!? I did not see another call from you. I would not have left you hanging like that. Fine, my turn, I’ll call you. One condition – do you still remember my real name? 😉

…I can’t believe you called me a goober.
Him:  One condition? Yes Zia…you are a goober just for playing games and testing me right now. 😉

Me:  🙂 No, game play. Just a simple question. I asked because some guy on here did forget my name and kept calling trying to get my voicemail trying to hear it. – No joke.

          I did call him only to get no answer and then no call back.  Funny, isn’t it, how he claims to not have time for games?  He seems to be pretty good at them.

          He eventually did call me a couple days later.  Was apparently out-of-town skiing.  We chatted for over a half hour.  Haven’t heard from him again. 

For those of you curious and that recall ADD, he was the jewel who forgot my name.

Amazing, really, it’s like I’ve bathed in Y-chromosome repellent and no one told me.  Of course, with Feisty Game Player, I don’t think it’s a big loss.

The Imaginary 3rd Wheel has some pretty good stuff.  It got me thinking that I should share my worst date ever with you.

           I have blocked this man’s name from my memory so we’ll just call him Big Bug Eyed.

          On the phone I realized he didn’t really get my sense of humor, but found himself very amusing.  He seemed to be quite a talker, so there would be conversation, I thought.

          We met at a restaurant and were seated.  The man works in the medical field but went to culinary school; so, I thought maybe he’d have some good menu suggestions.  He ordered spaghetti & meatballs.  I was raised with the idea of order something you like but probably won’t make at home.  He said he always orders spaghetti & meatballs.  Not seeing how the tuition money was well spent.

          Anyway, during the course of the meal he talked…and talked…and talked.  He told stories about his life – none fascinating – and often used the empty chair to his left to speak to the imaginary person from his story.  I understand turning your head to add emphasis to a story but this was insane.  By the end of the night I was actually seeing a person in that chair too.

          He told one story about people saying or someone thinking he was gay.  “I’m not gay,” he shouted to the imaginary chair guy.  “I’m not gay.  Other people may be and it’s okay, but I’m not gay.”  Dude, I know.  I’m on the date with you – stop shouting.

          I asked what he was doing on the 4th of July, giving him the perfect opportunity to, in turn, ask me.  Well that didn’t happen.  His soliloquy took us into dessert.

          When I thought the conversation couldn’t get any worse, there it was, the mention of the Ex.  I have to say, the first time a guy talked about his Ex on a date with me, I was in disbelief.  I really thought it only happened in movies.  But Big Bug Eyed beat him by a landslide.  Not only was she an Ex, she was his ex-fiancée.  I heard about her, her parents, all the details of how he proposed, why they broke up, how her parents were a cause for the break up – oh dear God it went on.

          I excused myself and went to the bathroom at one point.  On my way up the stairs my mind was racing – who can I find, who can save me, I need to get out of here.  I got to the bathroom and called my best friend.  I have never walked out on a date but I really really wanted to.  I chatted with her for a minute to regain my sanity, hung up, and then thanked my lucky stars I had a cold and drove myself.

          When I returned to the table he asked if I wanted dessert and I said no thank-you.  My cold had almost completely cleared up but I had just enough phlegm left to pull off a convincing cough.  I told him it was time for my cough syrup which I left in my car.

          We left and got in the elevator to the parking garage.  Fortunately he was on a couple floors below me so we weren’t heading in the same direction.  I got to my car, drove off, and saw him standing by his car on his phone talking on my way down.  I sped by and ducked so he wouldn’t see me.

          On my drive home I got a text saying what a great time he had.  Oh, My.  Then I got home and had another text saying that he made it home safely.  Good for you, I didn’t ask and didn’t care.  The next day I get another text asking me what plans I had for the 4th

Dude, seriously!?  Now you want to ask me?

ADD Not for Me

Here’s an update on the latest stew-nod: first we emailed, then exchanged numbers, then had our first phone call…

          A few minutes into the phone call I noticed something seemed off.  He sounded distracted, like he was watching TV or something, but I didn’t hear any background noise.  He asked a lot of questions and responded to everything.  Some of the responses were just a chill laid back voice, then others were passionately enraged.  We would be talking about a basic run-of-the-mill topic and then he would shout out, “Right? F%*& that Zia.  Who needs it?” OR “Screw’um.  Good for you Zia.  F$*# them.  F&^#@* bullshit, am I right?

Whoo – okay fella – breathe.

          Then we’d change subjects, move on, then out of no where – “But F*@# that…(enter a prior subject here.)”

Oh, we’re back on this subject again?  Okay.

          After this went on for about thirty minutes he finally said, “Yeah, I have ADD, don’t know if you’ve noticed that.”  (Oh, believe me, I noticed something.)  “I actually was just recently diagnosed.”  (Mystery solved.)

          So the scattered conversation continued for a while.  I kept trying to end the conversation, but how can you when you don’t know where it’s headed?  Then finally he said, “…My dog’s eating this food and she’s kind of fussy.  So today I tried a new food and – well, Zia, I have to go to the bank now.  I’ll call you again sometime.”  And that was it, an instant ending.

          I managed to contain my laughter during the call but after the hang up I lost it.  I knew he would call again because he seemed to really enjoy talking to/at me.  And for my own amusement, I knew I’d agree to meet him someday.  However, between the phone call and the first meet I’m pretty sure he forgot my name, until one day when he called, after I told him I’d be working, and conveniently got my voicemail.

          After getting our conflicting schedules in sync, we finally met.  We took his new pup for a walk around town.  Nice change from the Starbuck’s meet’n’greet.  He walked towards me, not as short as I was anticipating, with the cutest little yorkie – however, he thinks it’s a dashound.  Not dealing with a genius apparently.

          After he sized me up he said, “Oh my God, how weird is that, were dressed exactly the same?”

          I, being me, was oblivious to this.  About a moment later, his dog came up to me and he said, “She must be confusing you with me.  We’re both wearing gray pants.”  – Yeah buddy, that’s it.

          Again, the conversation went everywhere.  How he doesn’t have constant dry mouth is beyond me.  At one point we talked about his ADD and his meds and then he mentioned how he also did his other “medicine.”  I, of course, played dumb – come on buddy, say it, you’re a 36-year-old pot-head.  For me, major turn-off, not that I was feeling compelled to jump his bones anyway.  Case of the Asian flat ass.  I think his may have actually indented.

          The rest of the stroll went something like this:  Yes, I smoke pot…I can’t believe we’re wearing the same outfit…I’m the top salesman in the country…What does it say about us if we dress the same…I like to write…Wonder what people are thinking when they see us walking in the same clothes…I can’t get into that, but I know shit…I love to swear…You think I’m crazy don’t you?

Me: Yeah, lil’bit.

          At the end of the walk he wanted to get together again.  This man totally entertains me but probably not for the reasons he’d like.

          He shot me a text over the weekend wanting to hangout sometime during the week.  I told him what day worked for me.  He sent a text earlier that day asking if I still wanted to hangout.  He called in the evening.  That conversation went something like this:

Him: You don’t do any “treatments, do you?”

Me: (playing dumb) What?

Him: Pot.

Me: No.

Him: Are you straight-laced?

Me: Sure.

Him: Well, that’s what I was planning.  Hey, you go running in the morning, can I go with you?

          So, his master plan for a second date was to smoke up.  Guys, here’s a bit of advice: That plan’s not a winner.  He decided he wanted to go running with me in the morning if he wasn’t to drained from his evening activities.

  🙂  I haven’t heard from him again.

« Previous entries