Archive for November, 2010

Going in Blind

     Alright party people, I’ve got a month to go before my New Year’s deadline.  Time to crack down on the date search.  And as always, I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a pickle.

     As my eHarmony subscription came to an end at the beginning of the month, I contacted a few guys as a kind of a last hooray, just to see if I’d get any last-minute takers.  Well, my subscription ended and I didn’t get much of a response.  However, luck was on my side and my subscription ended right as a free communication period was starting.  And, as it turned out, one of those last-ditch-efforts was a taker and responded a few days after my subscription ended.

     We worked our way through the eHarmony process until I realized that since I was no longer a paying member, I wasn’t going to get to the email stage.  So, when we got to the final section of questions, I strategically placed a map to my personal email address and explained that my subscription (a.k.a. I’m cheap and using this free communication to the fullest) would end before we would get to the email stage.

     He emailed a few days later, very brief, saying he was still interested.  After receiving my response, he emailed back asking to meet up for coffee and for my number.  He called, again very brief, and we set up a time.  He left it to me to pick the place since he doesn’t know the area too well.  And we ended the conversation with me emailing him the location over the weekend and then wished each other a Happy Thanksgiving.

     As soon as I hung up the phone, that’s when it hit me – Oh sh*t!  I have no idea what this guy looks like.  I just set myself up on a blindish date.  How is that even possible?

     Once your eHarmony subscription ends, you can no longer see photos of your matches.  I could read his profile and saw that we were matched when I was able to see his picture, but that was over three weeks ago.  I’m a busy lady and I’ve talked to at least ten other guys by now.  I was and am drawing a blank, totally coming up dry.  Wouldn’t know him if you threw him at me.

     I thought of a zillion ways to try to ask for his picture but they all sounded like, “Hey, I don’t remember you so you must not be important,” or “By the way, I am juggling a million guys right now and I have lost track of your face in the sea.”  Truth of the matter is, I hate it when guys do that to me, so I didn’t want to do that to him.  I like to live by the Golden Rule as best I can. . . and look where it has me. 

     I know that I have at least seen his face before and I’m trying to remember if my last-ditch-efforts were only to good-looking guys.  (Dare to dream, right?)  I am hoping, praying, and crossing my fingers that he is the unexpected surprise Santa leaves under the tree and not the present that goes straight to the re-gift pile.  Guess I will find out tonight at seven.

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

     When I started this blog, I had no intention of being a serial online dater.  I was hoping to find someone whom I could transition with into real-life dating and progress from there.  In my now years of online dating experience, I have discovered that most people just don’t know how to mesh old-school style courtship with today’s technological cupid.  What I have concluded in my research is that there needs to be a blend of traditional courtship and modern expectations.

     As many of you have probably figured, I am not one of those women who expects a man to guess what she wants or what she is thinking.  I’ll just tell you.  So, when one of my suitors stated he had “never done online dating before,” and me being sick of hearing that, I thought, “hmm…this guy needs some assistance.”  I then typed up a list of online dating rules for him to follow and emailed them to him. – Yeah, I actually did that.  He followed them well but became too reliant on them and me to fill him in on what to do next.  Dude, you said you were new to online dating not dating itself.  At which point, I went back and tweaked the rules a bit and waited for another subject to test them on.

     As luck would have it, many men need these steps so I didn’t have to wait long.  I sent the new case study the updated version of the guidelines and he made it about half way through.  After our phone conversation, he said talk to you again later and, well, he didn’t.  Therefore, I quickly grasped he answered “no” to step 8.

     I have decided that this research should be shared and utilized to its fullest potential by my fellow daters.  And any man out there hoping to win over, maybe not me, but some woman that they’ve met online, I assure you, if you follow these steps you will get the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Zia Zitella’s Online Dating Rules & Guidelines for Men

1) Actually READ the profile that is attached to the picture that caught your attention.

2) After taking a whooping three minutes to read her profile, decide if you’d like to contact her. A wink/icebreaker is acceptable only if you are pressed for time but don’t want this fine creature to slip through the cracks.  An email would be best.

            a. If you are looking at her profile after she winked or sent an icebreaker to you – DO NOT WINK BACK, you idiot.  If you are interested, email.  If not, move on.

            b. Do not be confused by the female “wink back.”  Those are acceptable.  She is informing you that it is okay to begin the wooing process.

3) Send witty, intriguing, and/or intelligible email.  Keep it short. No need for a soliloquy.

4) Receive reply email.

5) Continue emailing and decide if she is worth meeting.

6) Act on decision.

            a.  If you decide she is not worth meeting – cease further emailing.

            b.  If you decide she is worth meeting, ask for phone number.  Don’t just toss your number in an email and hope she uses it.  Be a man and make the phone call yourself.  Remember, you’re the one who is supposed to be doing the wooing.

7)  Call.  Avoid topics like Exes, recent break-ups, recent dates, how many other men they are talking to online, your boring ass job (she does not know you well enough to even pretend to care or take interest in what computer file went missing), your flaws, her flaws that you’ve noticed, and the like.

8 )  After phone call, decide if you would like to meet this person.

9)  Come up with date plan.

10)  Call (or email) and ask on date.

=> NOTE: Calling or emailing before first date is acceptable and encouraged.  It shows your interest and could earn you coveted brownie points for future use.

11)  Go on date.  Don’t be a schmuck.

12)  After date, call, text, or email her to let her know you had a good time.  Do not do this immediately after the date (shows either a quick write-off or stalkerish qualities) or wait three days before calling (lame rule and smart women will have moved on by then.)

=> NOTE: The woman may actually send you a quick text or email the next day telling you she had a good time.  She is not stalking you or sipping crazy juice.  She is just being polite and letting you know that if you would like to see her again, she’d be willing.

=> Additional NOTE: If she texts you more than three times and you haven’t responded or responded only once, she is sipping crazy juice and step away slowly.

13)  Decide if you want to go on second date.

14)  Plan second date.

15) Call and ask out for second date.  Do not say during phone call that, “I have no plan,” “What do you want to do?  I don’t care,” or “You decide.”  If you say any of these, you clearly skipped step 14 and should go back.  By saying any one of these, you instantly show laziness, that you want things done for you, that you can’t make a decision, and that you really don’t care – about her.  None of which will win her over.  Woo is also known as wow.

16)  Go on second date.  Don’t be a schmuck.

17)  Repeat steps 12-15.

18)  Keep wooing until ultimate/intended goal is achieved.

     Gentlemen, I believe these are very simply put and should be easy to follow.  Good luck on your flirting endeavors, I wish you luck, and hope to hear back with your success stories.  Ladies, feel free to email these along to your own suitors in need.

For a printer friendly version of Zia Zitella’s online dating rules & guidelines to hang over your computer, click here.

Careful What You Wish For

     When I mentioned I was looking for pizzazz, karma had a funny way of saying, “here you go.”

     A couple of weeks ago I was contacted by a guy on  In his bio he openly mentioned that he was going bald, but what reeled me in was his body image description.  He claimed, “I’m built like a crooked stick.”  And no you pervs, he was not talking about his accessory.  Bald and the body of a prepubescent girl, if that doesn’t make a woman swoon, I don’t know what does.

     He actually looked kind of cute in his pictures and had a bit of personality. So far, we were off to a winning start. We exchanged phone numbers and, to my surprise, he gave good phone. Easy to talk to and conversation was never at a loss.

     We made plans to meet. He had mentioned during our first phone call how he wanted to get a plant for his house but he had been putting it off for fear that he would kill it.  He decided it was time he take the plunge.  I saw this as a great opportunity to break up the mundane “meet for coffee” date and suggested we go plant shopping for our first meet. He agreed.

     We had to reschedule a couple of times but finally got the day and time set. And that’s when it happened.  All the pizzazz that is Crooked Stick came out.

     He was telling me about how his house was robbed a few months ago and how he wasn’t sure if he would be able to return his TV with a piece missing.  Wasn’t really sure why he needed to return a TV if it was working, but then he filled me in on the reason.

Crooked Stick: “Ya know how Costco has a 90-day money back guarantee on electronics?”

Zia: “Um…yeah, okay.”

Crooked Stick: “Well it was time for me to return it but the do-dahwas missing and I didn’t know if they’d take it.”

Zia: “Okaaay. So every ninety days you get a new TV?” (Beginning to sense a strangeness.)

Crooked Stick: “Yeah. I upgrade to get the newest technology. If Costco is gonna offer it, I’m gonna take it.”

Zia: (He really didn’t just say that. Let me double check.) “So you never keep a TV longer than ninety days?”

     He then went into a schpeel on the how’s & why’s and ins & outs of his routine.

Zia: “That’s…a…very…unusual hobby.”  (This guy’s a bit of a loon.)

Crooked Stick: “Yeah, I wasn’t sure I was gonna tell you, but all my friends know so it was bound to come out. (slight pause) I don’t want to tell you how many though.”

Zia: “Oh, from the way you were talking, I’m already thinking double digits.” (And wacko)

Crooked Stick: “Uuh…yeah.  Definitely double digits.”

Zia: “So, you’re worried about getting a plant because you think you’ll forget to water it, but every ninety days you remember to get a new TV?”

Crooked Stick: “Yup.”

Zia: “Buy a cactus. Everytime you exchange TV’s you can water it.  I think you’ll be fine.”

Dearest Fairy Pizzazz Godmother, Maybe I need to clear a few things up…

Cathy Says it Best

     The only thing I had decided on this morning were my shoes.  Did not have the energy for much else and was not inspired by anything in my closet.  I had twenty minutes before I was about to walk out of the house in a red and white polka dot bathrobe and brown leather heels.

     Without knowing what kind of morning I was having, I got an email from Sarcastic Bride that said she thought of me when she read this.  Creepy how well your friends are tuned into you.

     It’s like Cathy was talking right to me.