Posts Tagged ‘Flirting’

Leaving it to Fate

     I celebrated the New Year with good friends at a small family owned bar.  They treated patrons to a champagne toast every hour until our time zone reached midnight.  My wingwoman, Half-pint, was picked up by a twenty-year-old kid, and I was followed around by his older cousin, Puppy-Dog, for a majority of the night.  At the end of the night, when my friends and I decided to leave, Puppy-Dog had the gall to grab his coat and exit with us.  Hey Buddy, following me around all night like a puppy-dog and not once even attempting to buy me a drink, isn’t exactly paving the way for a New Year’s shag.  Just sayin’.  Needless to say there was no shag-time, and even though he asked for my number, the comment of, “If nothing ever happens, I just want you to know I had a good time tonight,” clearly pointed out that he was never going to use my number.  I was spot on with that call and haven’t heard from him…and I’m not losing sleep over it either.

     The first week of the New Year down, and the dating “project” for this year decided, it is time to share.  Now, this decision may bring tears to some of your eyes, as it did with Buddha Babe, but it must be done.  In my years of date-blogging, I have tackled online dating, a self-help book, speed dating, set-ups, etc.  It is time to try the only thing I haven’t tried…FATE.  This year I’m leaving the luck of my love life to Fate.  That being said, my date count will drop drastically not leaving me much to blog about.  So, unless Fate sets in motion something earth-shattering, this may most likely be my only post this year.  Don’t fret too much, I’ll still be tweeting it up from time to time.

     I thought giving myself and blog a proper send-off was in order, so I compiled a “The Best of Zia” list to keep you entertained in my dating absence.  

Post that was  numerously retweeted, reposted by other bloggers, and stirred up a hefty comment discussion: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

A Sample of the Prince Charmings that I’ve come across: Careful What You Wish For 

Even in my non-dating life I find rare jewles…and, well, maybe posting on Craigslist had something to do with it too: Oh, Sammy Boy

Zia in a guest appearance: Treasure Down Under 

Example of how I’m a class-act on a date: More Bug Wine, Please

     Thanks for reading, and best of luck to all of you in 2012.  Go out there and get your flirt on!

Gearing Up for the Checklist

          At the beginning of the year I wrote a post that ran down the checklist of what most single people go through on New Year’s Eve.  Since the day is quickly approaching, I just thought I’d refresh you on how last New Year’s Eve went.  

          Did you ever notice how there’s a bit of a New Year’s Eve event checklist?  There is usually the same list of things that happen every year.  However, they don’t always happen the way you plan or expect.

How my day went:

After I returned home from my last-minute errands, I stopped by to check the mail.  In the pool area, there was a 4-year-old boy in some tighty-whities soaking wet looking out at me.  When I got out of my car he was holding on to the bars of the fence, bouncing, smiling and excitedly asked, “Are ya comin’ in?  Are ya comin’ in?”

Advances made towards me: Check.

As I got ready for my night out, I heard my landlady’s young grandchildren running and playing together.  She took on babysitting duty for the evening.  When it was time for me to head out I said good-bye to all and was inadvertently felt up by a 5-year-old.

Inappropriate fondling: Check.

Waiting for my ride to arrive, there were a lot of phone calls back and forth as to how to find me.  Having trouble with road blocks and me not knowing all of the side street names, there was a lot of, “where are you now?”

Lose people: Check.

When we arrived at the party, the hostess was having a little trouble with the chocolate fondue.  The few of us who had already arrived, pitched in and did some stirring, reheating, some tasting, etc.  Still a little lumpy and not cooking properly, she mentioned having a little Kaluha left over.  “Pour it in,” I said.

Use alcohol to make things better: Check.

 As the night progressed, I found myself sitting in a room full of scientists and their spouses.  Having to carry on conversations with people who have far higher IQs than mine, I feel I held my own.  And if I wasn’t able to, I would casually shove more food in my mouth to avoid over-my-head conversation.

Blend in: Check.

Since the hostess and I were the only two single people there, she informed me how she knows a woman who knows lots of single science guys.  Single + science…shocking.  Anyway,  this woman is a scientist herself and would apparently enjoy scientifically matching me to one of the young gents, depending on how “science-y” I would go.

Semi-humiliating moment: Check.

My subtle friend that brought me along to the party loudly announced my blogging adventure to the room.  Informing everyone that Mr. Fig Newton was her favorite post.  This led to many questions, laughter, and a reading request.  I gave a reading and openly answered questions about my bizarre dating life.

Reveal personal information to total strangers: Check.

         I am expecting different results this year.  Hopefully advances and fondling from more age-appropriate suitors.   But can rely on the checklist being the same, of course.

Final Report Card

     I have completed my Love in 90 Days journey.  Dr. D gives us a checklist in the last chapter to recap on our progress.  Here are my answers to the questions she asks.

1)     Are you putting out feminine “go” signals?  Do you dress or act in a more attractive way?

I have bought a lot more deep-V dresses and shirts so the mangoes are on parade more often, still not completely comfortable flaunting them about.  My “go” signal skills may need a little work.  Drunks and Crazies still flock to me like white on rice so I’m apparently sending out a “go” holler.  Need to tweak this a bit.

2)     Has the number of e-mail and phone interactions with potential dates increased since the beginning of the Program?

Define “potential.”  If they are not putting me to sleep or calling to complain about their ex or the online dating site then they are sending me gem emails like the one I received last weekend.

      “Hay, you seam cool…”

3)     Has the number of actual dates each week increased?

Nope.  Hit or miss here.  Dr. D has made me stamp out the DUDs (aka Definitely Unworkable Dudes) right away.  I meet a lot of DUDs.

4)     Are you dating better-quality men?

See answer to question 2.  If they make it through the email/phone process then yes, they are better quality.  Now I just need to work on quality with pizzazz and find the STUDs (aka Seriously Terrific, Utterly Devoted Dudes) Dr. D believes I can find.

5)     How have your dating habits changed?

I leave the house.  That’s a lot of work for someone who likes to play hermit.

6)     Which Deadly Dating Patterns have you broken out through?

Just Buddies – I make more of an effort to put on make-up, perfume, and well…waxing.  (If they only knew)

Hermit – Dying to be one again!  Think it’s possible to find a guy that doesn’t mind if I stay home and cook while watching football?  I would think that’d be a dream for most men but all the men I find don’t like sports.  I’m flabbergasted.

7)     Are you looking for something different in a relationship now?

I’m not looking for something different in the relationship per se, but the courtship yes.  Dr. D points out that we should all be pursued, shown that we are wanted.  Hence my recent desire to want to be wooed.  Never thought about it before and as Dr. D so strongly points out – I’m worth it!

     Needless to say, I did not find love within a ninety day time frame.  I have not been consistently working my Program of Three due to lack of STUDs.  Nonetheless, I will soldier on.  Dr. D had some good tips and pointers that I will carry with me as my hunt for eligible STUDs continues. 

Though, as one countdown ends, another begins…106 days until New Year’s Eve.

The Newest Hot Spot

     Who knew that after years of bar hopping, drunk-girl-sexy-arms-in-the-air dancing, paying cover charges, and countless hours on my hair, that the newest hot spot to get hit on would be public transportation?  All that time and effort and all I needed to do was pull my hair in a ponytail, throw on some sunglasses and I’d be golden?

     A few weeks ago, I got on the subway, pulled out my Sudoku, and sat, minding my own bee’s wax, waiting for the train to leave.  As soon as the doors closed, I heard this from the beer belly filled white t-shirt to my left:

Beer Belly:  Are you a psychiatrist?

Zia:  No. 

Beer Belly:  A therapist?

Zia:  No.

Beer Belly:  Oh, you look like one.  You look like one of those really smart people.

Zia:  . . . ah . . .

Beer Belly:  Are you a lawyer?

Zia:  No.

Beer Belly:  What are you?

Zia’s Thoughts:  Do I have to talk to this guy?  When’s the next stop?  He’s going to guess every “smart person” profession if I don’t spit something out.  I could tell him anything.

Zia:  I’m a teacher.

Beer Belly:  Oooh, yeah, I can see that.  Blah blah blah…

Zia’s Thoughts:  Oh Christ.  Should have told him I was a stripper.

     Last week I stumbled upon Train Guy.  He is big and tall and with his shaved head has a definite presence when he enters a room, or a train car in this instance.  He sat next to me and asked for help finding his way.

     Even though I was texting away on my phone, he started chatting with me.  Usually that irks me, but he wasn’t a total bafoon so I didn’t mind.  At one point, he said, “You should call me sometime.  Let me give you my number.”  Nice, straight forward approach.

     He sent me a text the next day, and I am assuming my rock solid directions of, “go up the stairs and turn right,” were spot on that he thinks I’m a keeper.  Asked if I was single.  Again, straight forward approach.

     We have texted back and forth a bit over the past few days.  One text read, “. . .I find you amazingly attractive and glad you’re single.”  Mmm. . . okay, you can stay a while.

     On Monday, however, this man’s straight forward approach did not work for me.  You know those people who as soon as you see them you have this feeling that something is off?  You know something is up, something is going to happen?  Well, when I sat next to Bold & Beautiful, I got just that vibe.  He was a tall muscle-y black guy in a stereotypical do-rag.  He was definitely beautiful, but surrounded in an aura of crazy.

     I sat down and pulled out my phone to switch it to vibrate.

Bold & Beautiful:  Aghgorhoss….

Zia’s Thoughts:  Oh lordy, he’s talking to me.  I’m not even sure that was English.  Just keep looking at phone and it will stop.

Bold & Beautiful:  Wow.  Bljaknsrku…

Zia’s Thoughts:  Huh?  And what is he looking at?

Bold & Beautiful:  You get pedicures all the time?  You just got one?

Zia’s Thoughts:  Oh, something audible.  Guess I should answer since it’s not stopping.  But I’ll keep my face glued to my phone.

Zia:  No.  I did them myself.

Bold & Beautiful:  (staring intently at my feet)  Damn!  You got the prettiest feet I ever seen.

Zia:  Ah, thanks?

Bold & Beautiful:  What’s your ethnic background?

Zia:  Mostly Italian.  Some French and Albanian.

Bold & Beautiful:  Mmm–hmmmm.  That’s why you look so .  All that stuff mixed together.fine

Zia:  (small chuckle slips out, bright red face and big smile trying to hold in the remaining laughter)

     Fortunately Bold & Beautiful got off at the next stop. 

     Guys, if you are trying to narrow down the number of fish in your pond, opening with, “Hello, I have a foot fetish,” should do the trick.

Get Your Flirt On (Part 2)

     My previous post left off with me sending smoke signals via flirt moves to a guy in a bar I was hoping would rescue me from Drunkass’ slobber.  Here’s how the night turned out:

     During one of my look up, look away moves, I turn to Shortstack to say something and then suddenly the lone trio member is standing in front of our booth.  Victory!  He’s standing there with a smile and making eye contact.  (Ooh, I’m on the receiving end of Move #1.)  He introduces himself and then all of the sudden, like vultures, the entire trio is at our table and Drunkass is out numbered.

     There is some awkward shouting from across the booth conversation because I still have Drunkass sitting to my right.  Nothing a quick trip to the bathroom can’t fix.  I tap Drunkass’s shoulder (Damn it! – Move #5) and excuse myself.  When I return to the booth there had been some seat shuffling and Drunkass was gone…for now.

     I plop myself down and next thing I know I am sitting between my Rescue Ranger and his buddy, Mr, High-5.  (The dude was all about some high-5 action.)  Not a bad turn of events.  And since the flirt machine was already turned on, what makes you think it would suddenly turn off?  Flirtalicious was still on the loose and seemed to be contagious.  My girls and the trio were all over open-ended questions (Move #13), laughing at jokes (Move #10), and lots of smiling, eye contact, looking away and then back again (Move #1 and #3.)  Really, this just sounds like people with drinks in them having a good time.  But hey, who am I to second guess the Doc?  Drink on Flirt on my friends, flirt on.

     At one point I heard my last name being said across the booth.  Since Half-pint and I have the same first name, she was distinguishing us by our last names to Dimples (the third member of the trio.)  Rescue Ranger overheard my last name and this led to our big moment…

Rescue Ranger:  Italian?

Zia:  Yes.

He puts his fingers on my wrist (received Move #5) and then slides my hoodie up my arm a bit.

Rescue Ranger:  But you’re not hairy.

(Eeerr…received Move #11 – Compliment?)

Zia:  No.  No, I’m not.

     With moves like that, I am sure this guy gets his pick of the litter when he heads out.

     The night rolls on.  Drunkass makes a return and falls asleep in the booth.  Rescue Ranger hits the pool table, Mr. High-5 chats up a storm, and Dimples maybe said seven sentences all night.  But who really cares?  He had dimples.  Duh.

     Closing time and my clan and I start heading out.  We say our good-byes and this is where reading these sixteen moves would have been beneficial.

“Move #16 – When leaving, say you’d like to see him again.”

     I have to walk by the pool table, where Rescue Ranger is, to exit.  He interrupts his game for a minute and stops me to give me a hug good-bye.  We make some comments about the game and then I walk off.  Huh?  Oh yeah, I – walk – off.  “Hey, let’s hang out again sometime” never made it into my brain.

     We get outside and Shortstack gets into Miss Fererra’s car and they drive off.  I hop into Half-pint’s, we sit there for a sec, and then she says how she had such a great time and wishes we could do it again. 

Okay, let’s recap:  Three of them, four of us, and no one thought of doing a number exchange!? – Idiots, the lot of us. 

     Did we screw up?  Well, that can easily be answered.  As Half-pint backed out and started pulling away, I spotted Mr. High-5 rushing out the door.  But it was too late, we were on the road.  I made brief eye contact with him but all he got out was one final wave.  Flirtalicious, sure.  Smooth Operator, hell no.

     Let’s hope, armed with these rules, things go a little better as I hit the town with my wingwoman, Miss Independent, tonight.

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