Oh, Sammy Boy.

     As you all know, I headed out on a cyber quest for a wingwoman last week.  And then, as luck would have it, I caught one wallop of a cold that has knocked me out for about a week now.  Isn’t that just my luck, I put an ad online to meet people, and then get sick and can’t meet people?  This of course has put a delay in the “project,” so I thought I’d share about one person in particular who responded to my wingwoman post, let’s just call him Sammy. 

The emails:

Sammy: I know you said you wanted to hang out with a female friend, but I’m not looking for anything romantic. I…would love to grab a beer after work every once in a while, so I think this could work. In a few short words here is me:
-23 years old (yes, I’m young…but I look older than my age, am mature, and have a lot of interesting things to say  🙂
-College Grad 
-5’9 (maybe a little taller on a good day)
-funny (looks as well as personality)  😉
-over-caffeinated
…and, I like to think that, overall, I’m sorta interesting, kinda cool, andddd…..a worthwhile person to meet!
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Sammy

Me: I have to say, quite ballsy to answer a “wingwoman” ad and blatantly ignore the woman part.  But if you can handle this little bit of sarcasm response, then I guess you’re okay in my book.
-Look older than your age…exactly how many people in LA own up to that? 
So, since you are a guy, gonna take a stab – are you into any sports?  Would sports bars be okay?  Most women, it’s not there thing.

Sammy (at 12:45pm): Aha! You replied, very good  🙂
I definitely have no problem with sarcasm, so we’re good there. I’m more of a half-glass full type of person, which would actually complement your sense of humor. Two sarcastic people is a recipe for either heavy drug use, or constant whining, hahaha.
I’m VERRRRYYY (What’s with the freaking elongated consonants? Try saying that out loud, idiot. You elongate vowels.) much into sports, and it’s refreshing to meet a woman who is as well. … If you’re into sports, then I can talk your ear off with cool stories. On my resume I always include a line that says “Hobbies: Taking Pictures with Famous People” –so there’s a lot of athletes whom I’ve met and have pictures with. (Oh great, a celebrity chaser in LA – how original.) 
Anyway, how about grabbing a beer sometime tonight or tomorrow? You can deride me with your east coast sarcasm, and I’ll try and cheer you up with my west coast optimism. 

Sammy (at 12:47pm): Actually, hanging out today or tomorrow would be perfect. I don’t know if you follow college basketball, but the Pac-10 Tournament is going on. Wouldn’t mind checking that out and making a fool of myself cheering for my team.

Sammy (at 10:35 pm): Hmmm, having seconds thoughts about a wingwoman with “balls?” (hopefully you appreciate the pun)

Me: No, no second thoughts. (Well, not yet anyway.)  Actually I caught a cold this week & I’m getting progressively worse.  So meeting up tonight or tomorrow won’t be good for me…  
I don’t really get into basketball, college or pro.  I’ll watch a game live but not into it on TV.  I’m more of a baseball/football person.

Sammy: You’ll watch a game live, huh? WELL….if Cal beats…(blah blah blah)…going to the Staples Center and watching the game. But with you having SARs and all, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea…..   🙂
You set me up to fail already, Telly, and I fell for it. There’s no baseball and/or football going on right now, so inviting me to a sports bar….I don’t know. I don’t know what your intentions are with me. I like to always think the best of people, but you’re not giving me any room here. I’m an impressionable young professional, and am susceptible. Hahaha. 
No, truth be told, don’t let the baby-face and innocent act fool you. I’ll have you tied up in leather straps and your bank accounts emptied in no time, hahaha. Watch out now. (Oh dear God, he thinks he’s funny.) 
Well, hopefully my playful banter (Is that what that was?) entertained you enough to take your mind off your illness. If a spoon fool (yes, he typed “fool”) of sugar makes the medicine go down, then consider yourself cured, cause I’m sweeter than honey and more effective than Tylenol.    😉  Better ask somebody. (WTF?) 

Me: Eh hem…Sparky…simmer down.  For someone claiming to be California cool, there was a heavy dose of sarcasm in that last email.  And call me “Telly” again and I’ll FedEx my SARs right over to you. …
And, dear boy, I did not set you up to fail.  I didn’t invite you to a sports bar; I simply asked if they’d be okay.  No jumping the gun there, Sparky.

And his final monologue…

Sammy: Weekend was….eventful, lol.
I ended up going to the Cal-Washington game at Staples Center on Saturday. My college roomy is shipping off to Jamaica for the Peace Corps next week, and was having a barbecue at his place Saturday night, so my buddy and I were planning on attending. But…. (you’re from the East Coast, so you might have a negative bias towards this)– we get high. (Friend’s step-mom was arrested for her pot farm growing in her basement.  She lived in PA.  Pretty sure East Coasters get high too.) Annnnd, (again with those freakin consonants) my roomy lives…a good 45 minutes away. And there was no way I was driving that far high. So we decided to chill at my other buddy’s house…smoked some more (Maybe I should introduce him to ADD?)…and, I got in my car to go home, and I realized that…I had NO idea where I was, or where I was going.  Everything looked unfamiliar, and after two close calls with me narrowly avoiding accidents, I decided to pull over into an empty parking lot and sleep it off. Couldn’t sleep, so ended up at a Dunkin’ Donuts and chowed down on some coffee and a glazed donut. (Oh, he’s a gem, isn’t he?) 
Felt a lot better, smoked my last cigarette (yes, I smoke cigarettes…I’m usually not this honest with people in the “getting to know each other” phase…I usually put up a better facade (I’d stick with that plan), and just wait for them to see me drunk for the real me to come out….but whatever….social conventions be damned). So where was I? Right, so I smoked my last cigarette, felt a lot more alert, and hit the road. 
I was doing a lot better this time around, but the music was wayyy (Mother F#$*%@ consonants) too intense, and I started driving in circles…I kept noticing the same signs, I was literally 15 minutes away from my house, but it took me almost 2 hours to get home. (Why God, why?  Who did I piss off?) 
At one point I got on the 5, drove for a good 20 minutes, and somehow ended up AT THE EXACT SAME SPOT after exiting. No idea how that can happen. (Oh, it’s like I won the lottery.)  
After a good hour and a half of aimless driving, I finally found a street that I was familiar with, and drove on home.
Sunday was a lot more laid back.  Drove to Simi Valley, there’s a Border’s I like in Simi Valley, a lot of good memories there, so I went to grab a book and have a nice coffee and smoke. Ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. Had a nice chat. Recharged my battery, then drove back. (Why the Hell do I care?) 
Hit 80,000 miles on my car on the drive home. That was a pretty special moment for me (I think). (…uuugh…)
Arrived home to a house full of noise and chaos. (At least he found it this time.) Played the respectful/good host for a while, but got a bit irritated towards the end of the night. Checked my gmail account a few times, hoping for a message from you. To no avail. Finally heard back from you. Was initially a bit intrigued by the reference to cold medicine…thought you were gonna say something about sippin’ on cough syrup and cognac- but again, you disappointed. 
This is becoming a common theme in our relationship- disappointment. (Oh, you have no idea.  And WHAT relationship?) 
I like that you have a nickname for me already, increases the odds of us actually having a beer (How do you figure that Einstein?)…you know, in “real” life, hahaha. 
Smirked at your “jumping the gun” comment. Thought about how I could weave in a joke about “premature ejaculation” but couldn’t find anything that fit. (Oh, thank God.) 
Anyway, hopefully my midnight ramblings have taken your mind off of your incurable, insufferable, no good, sleazy excuse for an illness- cold. (I think I feel worse.) 
Write me emails more frequently. If you’re truly sick, and not just claiming to be sick, you should be on the computer 24/7 (what else are you gonna do? you’ve got nothing better to pass the time…you’re sick!) So if you’re not blowin’ up my inbox by this time tomorrow, I’ll know the truth… (So, you’re looking for a stalker?)

Yours truly, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live… (WTF, after that long rampage we’re married now?)

There was a very good reason why I put “woman” and an age range on my wingwoman post.  Thanks Sammy, for pointing out why I made that decision.

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11 Comments »

  1. Man-shopper Said:

    Lord.

    Just….

    Christ.

    Times like this, only taking the Lord’s name in vain is appropriate for the situation.

    He’s a winner. Obviously. Especially with the elongated consonants.

    Sammy is pure, unadulturated, pathetic hilarity.

  2. Erica Said:

    omg you get the most interesting people. lol

  3. Oh my,
    How can this guy possibly think this is normal?!?!
    Thank God you didn’t meet him in person. If you made him laugh even once I’m pretty sure he’d barnacle to your heels.
    Good read for me though. 🙂

  4. Fishy Said:

    So funny and so depressing at the same time. I sometimes wonder if you are the female me.
    *Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*

    • ziazitella Said:

      Yeah, I get that feeling. Some of this stuff is so bad, it just can’t be made up.

  5. DatingSurvivor Said:

    If it weren’t for the fact that these same exact “are you kidding me?!” moments didn’t happen to me all the time too, I’d almost not believe this was true! Although I’m sorry you had to encounter that FREAK, I have to admit that it’s comforting to know that these things happen to other women too!

    • ziazitella Said:

      Believe me, it’s nice hearing that other people feel my pain too.

  6. B. Said:

    I think that putting ads on Craigslist and hanging out with the people you meet could be grounds for an entire book.

    Sorry to hear your relationship soured. I know you two were serious.

  7. Your site was extremely interesting, especially since I was searching for more info on this just sa few days ago.


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