Archive for December, 2011

Top 5 Lines of 2011

     As the year is coming to a close, I took a few moments to relive some of the best lines I’ve heard this year.  I’m sure everyone has their favorites, but these are what did it for me.

     Coming it at #5 is from everyone’s favorite spider-fearing dater, Mr. Fig Newton.  He found me again on match.com after two years and tried to rekindle what was never there.  I politely turned him down and he responded with:

“Just because you pass, doesn’t mean I have to.”

     Confidence is very important when it comes to dating.  So that is why in the #4 spot we have a guy full of it.  Sadly, he didn’t have the maturity or personality to follow it up.  But he does know how to get your attention when he spouts out:

“It’s okay, I only need three minutes to impress you.”

     Line #3 is not from one of my gentlemen callers, but rather the fabulous Lulu, who likes to meddle in my social life.  She has personally taken it upon herself to try to find me a husband this year.  Every male client she has learns my name.  And every female client is grilled to see if they have a single brother, neighbor, gardener, proctologist, etc.  On a recent visit she told me that she passed along my number to a client because she has a lot of male coworkers and they needed more women at the Christmas party.  Then another client had come in, who has a single male client, who happens to be a lawyer, so of course Lulu’s mind starts spinning out of control.  She continued with a few more of those situations, paused in her work, put her hand on my shoulder, and then said to me:

“I’m sorry.  I always try to sell you.  You’re the only one I know like you, so I sell you.”

     The #2 line of the year was not shared via blog, but it hails from Mr. Organic.  During our texting stage, he was informing me that he can cook.  He said he was good for three dates.  I found out the list, two of which were pasta, so I joked with him about trying to battle spaghetti with an Italian.  His response:

“The goal is to seduce you with my charm, intellect, and boyish good looks.  The dinner is just so you won’t be hungry while those things are happening.”

     And coming in at #1…during my first Speed Dating adventure…how could I, or anyone I’ve told, forget?  How do you to stay memorable during those five short minutes of instantly meeting someone when they are in a sea of other possibilities?  Simple, just tell her:

“I was born vaginally.”

     And there we have it.  The 2011 list of top lines I have heard this year while I was traveling through singledom.  Any classics of your own that you’d like to share?

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Organic Dating

     There is a word I have begun to hate in regards to dating and that is “organic.”  Organic fruit, meat, vegetables, those are all okay.  Using the word to mean something that comes about naturally, that’s okay too.  And one would think that meeting someone without the assistance of an online-dating site or a matchmaker would be considered “organic” too, but that’s where it stops.  When you use “organic” in your dating life that doesn’t refer to how you just ran into that someone and met naturally, it has a whole other meaning.  Let me give you an example.

     Over the summer I met a guy online, we emailed for a bit, and then exchanged numbers.  Our emails were short, but he seemed normal (as they usually do.)  He was talk, dark, taught Bikram yoga on the side, so he was buff as all get-out.  When we moved onto texting, he was very entertaining and seemed like a good guy.  After a day and a half of texting, he invited me to meet him for a happy hour drink around 6-6:30pm before he went to meet a friend that was in from out-of-town at 7-8pm.  Hmm…really showing interest asking me to meet you for thirty minutes and with only an hour warning.  I politely declined and then asked for a rain check.

     Two days later we were texting again, and again, with about an hour to spare, asked if I wanted to meet for happy hour.  A minute later he text this:

Mr. Organic: FYI… I’m very organic.  I prefer the now to the later.

Zia:  What’s that supposed to mean?  If I say “no” now, you won’t want to meet later?

Mr. Organic: No, just means I keep asking you with no planning, which is a pet peeve to most.

     I recommended the following day, trying to meet this guy in the middle with his organic-ness, but he wasn’t free.  I told him if he got to me in the morning, I could probably work something out.  He then said he would keep checking then.  And a minute later I got this text:

Mr. Organic: It works both ways though…if you’re free hit me up.  I’m always spur of the moment ready.

     Now you want me to throw the ball in my court?  I knew I’d never meet this guy or hear from him again unless I initiated it.  I said it before and I’ll say it again, putting a little effort into planning a date goes a long way, gentlemen.  Newsflash buddy, you have in your profile that you want a relationship.  You are aware that your organic-ness (a.k.a. lack of planning) is a pet peeve to most.  Seems to me that there is a clear explanation as to why you are forty-one and single.