Posts Tagged ‘Advice’

Back on Track

     I had previously mentioned how I was going through a drought, and then last week had two dates and then another last night.

     The date from last Friday was a result from my latest Speed Dating adventure.  Nothing really to report.  There was nothing bad about the date, nothing wrong with the guy, it just…wasn’t there.  No spark, no pizzazz, it just fell short.  I know a date is going down hill if as he’s talking I start envisioning who of my friends I’d like to set him up with.  Meaning, I like the guy, just not for me.

     Speaking of setting up, that takes me to last Thursday’s date.  As some of you are aware, my esthetician, Lulu, and I have a bond, could be partly because she has been all up in my lady business for years.  She has recently decided and taken it upon herself to try to set me up.  I’ll need to back up a little for this one.

     Several months ago, while laying on her table, she began yakking away about my singleness, dating, yada yada.  She began telling a story about setting someone up with someone’s brother and having the phone number.  She then picked up a tissue box and showed me a woman’s phone number written on the bottom.  I gathered she was setting this woman up.  As the story went on, in all her immigrant Vietnamese-ness, I realized, “Oh, she wants to set me up with that woman’s brother.”  The fact that he lives in San Fran and I’m in LA, didn’t seem to faze her.  When I left, Subtle-T was there for her appointment, and I asked her to find out if what I was listening to was correct.  Here’s the thing, Subtle-T is married, and therefore, does not receive these lectures.  They talk about food, and, as I later found out, me.

     Fast forward a bit and Subtle-T receives a phone call from Lulu with a phone number of a different guy.  Lulu had decided that it was up to Subtle-T to call, not me.  A few days later, Subtle-T received a voicemail from Lulu, and rather than call me, she called Suzie Q and told her about the message.  “I have another number.”  The two of them were finding this very amusing.

     I talked to one guy, kind of boring, didn’t really like him, and Lulu was crushed by this.  I found out later that he had just started talking to his ex-girlfriend again and took my call out of obligation.  Fine with me, I was doing the same thing.  I have been informed by Lulu that the man in San Fran has been contacted now.  I don’t know by whom, but I’m sure I’ll get an update on my next appointment.  During my last appointment, she decided to cut out the middle man and gave me the third guy’s phone number.  She insisted I text him, not call, because when you call and don’t know him, you have nothing to say.  The only things I knew about him is that he is Italian and goes there to get his back waxed.  Hey, the way I see it, he knows the problem and he’s taking care of it.  Lulu tends to go on about Italians being hairy and I was doubting she was painting a pretty picture of me, since she had told him I was Italian.  It was during one of those rants that I was about to chime in and she stopped me before I finished and said, “Oh, I tol’ him.  For an Italian, you not so hairy.”  Great.  So, I went home and texted him.  He replied back.

Client #3:  Hi Zia, yeah Lulu did mention your name.  I’m kind of embarrassed to admit I know Lulu, but that’s a different story.

Zia’s Thoughts:  Buddy, you’d be more embarrassed if you knew I knew why you know Lulu.  Nothing is sacred on that table.

Zia’s Text:  She makes herself known when she walks into a room.

Client #3:  I guess she also enjoys playing matchmaker, huh?  …So do you we should test Lulu’s skills and meet up for lunch sometime?

Zia’s Text:  I feel we have to go to lunch for our own safety if nothing else.  Don’t want to upset the woman who holds tweezers and hot wax.  I could walk out with one eyebrow next time.

Client #3:  I agree, let’s keep here happy for our sake.

     We met for lunch, and let me just say, he is a very pretty, pretty man.  Little thin for my taste, but good-looking.  Again, no spark, no flare, but no red flags either.  Just a nice guy that I’ll probably never see again.  Well, unless Lulu has other plans.

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Hey, what’s your sign?

     Facebook guy asked to meet me a few Fridays ago.  First Friday things came up so he canceled.  The following Friday was the reschedule date.  That Friday came and went.  No phone call, email, or text with any details for the meet or cancelation.  This week he had the audacity to IM me on Facebook and say that we keep missing each other.  I’m sorry, but I fail to see how this is a we situation.  He seems to be screwing up just fine without any assistance.  I quickly told him I had to go and haven’t heard from him since.  Needless to say, I called it quits on this guy too. 

     Between Sugardaddy and Facebook guy, that makes me 0-2 in the past few weeks.  And, since my online dating days are over, my well has dried up.  Time to find a new well, but where?

     So yesterday I paid a much needed visit to my esthetician for my usual threading and dose of nosy-Asian-woman wisdom.  As I was laying on the table, undoubtedly making the most attractive faces while having eye brow hairs yanked from my face, she chimed in on the Chinese New Year.  After asking me what year I was born she said, “Oh, you need a Tiger.” (Damn straight I do.)  Went on how this is the year of the Tiger and it will be a good year for me.  She said I needed to be with a Tiger and that Dogs are my best friends.  (…I believe that line is already taken, but if she wants it…)  

     Where does this delightful information leave me?  I guess I now have to bring back the classic, “what’s your sign,” but with an updated flair.  How do you think the guys will respond to me in a bar if I waltz up and ask, “What’s your inner animal?”

     Attention getter…or no?

Friends with…

…Textinfits

          What are these you ask?  Well, these are when you’ve reached the phone number exchange phase with a man who can’t be bothered to talk.  Sadly, this has happened to me on more than one occasion.  They all start off super-eager to meet me and then the phone flood of texts start arriving.  As the fabulous Erica said in her comment on ADD Not for Me:

“I cant give up my cell number to the strangers I’m meeting anymore. I did it to one and he constantly texted me and it just drove me nuts. I stick to msn prior to the meeting, sure its not the same thing, but it works.”

… Maybe she’s on to something.

          Texter #1 – I never actually met this guy.  We managed to talk on the phone once and I got a total dork vibe from him.  Don’t get me wrong, I like a little bit of nerd in the mix but not a total dweeb package.  He would message at all the wrong times – I’d be asleep or at work.  He apparently had no concept of time.  What finally did him in was his total lack of  awareness to anything I said.  I told him I was working one weekend and wouldn’t be around.  Boy genius sent me a text on a Friday night at midnight and wanted to know if I wanted to go play pool right then and there.  Friday night…midnight…”pool”…pretty sure the escort service number was confused for mine.

          Texter #2 – I did meet this guy.  We met and hit it off okay.  Then I didn’t hear from him for a while.  No loss, there were no sparks flying.  Like Sleepy Urkel, I figured us to be just friends.  Then out of the blue he would send a text.  I’d respond.  He’d respond back.  I’d respond back.  Then he’d respond again.  Like I mentioned before, questions are the breath of a conversation.  If they are just statement texts going back and forth, then after two responses I stop.  I had a hunch with this guy though, and sure enough within five minutes I received another text, this one containing a question.  Good boy, he figured some things out.  And to his credit every once in a while after about seven texts he’d just pick up the phone and call.  But with his sporadicness, not a New Year’s hopeful.  And for those of you asking why I didn’t just pick up the phone and call him, he too would text when I was working.  He would plan his call for when he thought I’d be near my phone.  Hey, I did say he figured some things out.

          And texter #3 – The man who doesn’t get that just because we met online, doesn’t mean I want to keep the relationship in a tech-format.  Let’s think of your online profile as your application.  If I read it and like what I see, then I’ll call you in for an interview.  Now, sometimes there is a phone interview and if that is passed then we go on to the in person interview where I really get to see if you’re right for the job.  However, if the interview never takes place, guess what – the job goes to someone with balls enough to call.

          So, to recap:

Texter #1 – Pay attention to what the woman says.  Thought that rule has already been explained in many many movies, sit-coms, songs…

Texter #2 – Coming and going doesn’t keep you fresh on the girl’s mind.

Texter #3 – What are you waiting for?  Grow a pair and go land that job!

Really, That’s the Impression You Want to Make?

          For anyone who has ever tried to contact someone via internet dating, standing out from the pack is crucial.  However, some of you should recheck your filter…

          One of my favorite subject lines I received was, “Quesadillas are good.”  – Hey, it did get my attention.  Granted, that was the only thing to get my attention.  Apparently he knew the merchandise he was trying to push.

          Another tasteful attention getter was, “On harnesses.”  Wonder how many he wins over with that one?

          Some of the subject lines are just average, normal, non-shockers.  For those, it’s the content of the email that gets you.

          Once had a guy email something about taking a chance on him or something along those lines.  I clicked over and read his profile.  Nothing of interest so I deleted the email.  I then got an email in ALL CAPS telling me I must not be as nice as I came across in my profile and shouldn’t judge people so quickly.  I was feeling generous that day, so I emailed back some advice:

“I actually did click on your profile.  You mentioned not judging ‘a book by its cover’ in the last line of your bio.  And screaming at me in ALL CAPS is not exactly making you look like any less of an ass.”

          Amazing how quickly I got an apology email. 

          I always enjoy the first email that asks you on a date.  But I got the smoothest one last night.  After giving me all the details to the event, which sounded very generic, like he’d been copying and pasting the same message until he found a taker, I scrolled down to see the picture he sent with the message.  It was him hugging another woman who was definitely not his sister.  Oh, and did I mention, he’s already contacted me before?  Buddy, pretty sure third time won’t be the charm either.

          Another great way to turn a woman off is to put this in the email, “You seem like you know what you want and you’re not the one to be playing games.  Hope to hear from you soon. Oh ya, if you pass me up you’d regret it and miss out on an awesome guy.”  

          Hmm…didn’t you just say I seem to know what I want?  Well, if I know what I want and I pass you up, then I’m pretty sure I know I don’t want you and therefore am not missing much.  Nothing screams desperation and idiot like telling a woman she’s stupid for looking you over.  Don’t worry cupcake, I still sleep at night.

          Now, my new favorite came in the other day.  It’s so horrible that I wouldn’t do it justice to only explain it.  I present to you, spelling and punctuation mistakes and all, direct quote:

Subject: Funny Stuff

“so theres this drunk right? now hes wasted by noon and decides hes gotta pee so he whips it out and starts going in the middle of the street now this lady walking by stops stares and starts yelling “what an animal what a beast what a monster” the drunk says “easy lady easy I got a good hold on him” hope that got you to laugh and hope youll give me the chance to laugh alongside you soon”

          Oh, I’m laughing, but probably not for the reasons you would like.

Put Me in Coach

          Got a pep talk from my esthetician the other day.  I went in for my routine eye brow threading and side of little Asian woman wisdom.  I’m sure I’m not alone in my helpings of Vietnamese nosiness as to if you have a boyfriend, why not, and when are you getting married.  It seems to be a big concern of theirs if you’re single.

          I’m lucky enough to have an esthetician who is not only motherly but believes she’s cupid as well.  When she came to get me from the waiting area she did the normal catch up questions, asked me how I’m feeling, telling me I look tired and work too much.  As soon as we got to the her room she apparently had an epiphany.  With a gasp she said, “You should do match.com.  One of my clients did and now she’s married and has a rich husband.”

          “Oh,” I replied and then laid on the table, hoping this was the end of the topic but knowing her, I knew I was in for more. 

          She then, in her Vietnamese accent, told me about another client.  “She older, never married.  She found rich husband and so happy.  Match.com.”   She continued, “I have another client, she divorced.  Thought she never marry again, but she did.”  Oh wait, still more, “And my other client, she found rich husband and now she come here more.  That’s what you need.  You find rich husband, then you can come here more.  And relax, and get facial, and no worry.  Match.com, they did.”   You quickly learn, if you didn’t already know, that doctor/patient, lawyer/client confidentiality doesn’t hold water in the salon world.

          Meanwhile, she is working away at my threading.  For those of you who have never tried it before – hurts like hell but great results.  Anyway, as I’m making all these weird faces to hold the skin tight and reduce the pain she says, “You should do online dating.  I think many men will like you.  You young, pretty (not exactly at that moment, but she seemed to think so), you have business.  Don’t say you work a lot because then maybe guy lazy and he do nothing.”  She continued, “You should find rich husband then you can come here all day and we take care of you.”  So not only do I need to find a husband according to her, but now he has to be rich.

          The topic slowly simmered down and we moved on to some other topics.  At the end of my appointment I got up and was getting ready to leave when she said, “Remember, match.com.  When you go home, you do.” 

          Oh, if she only knew the mess I’ve already gotten myself into.

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