Posts Tagged ‘Facebook’

When I’m What!?

     Not only did The Preacher rise from the dead last week, but so did Facebook guy.  For those of you who are new here or just need a refresher, Facebook is a guy from the tail end of my online experiment and came into the picture around January.  Then quickly and quietly disappeared from the picture.  Then popped up again.  Man’s a mystery.  I hadn’t heard from him in at least a month and told my BFF that I should de-friend him.  No point keeping him around when we’ll most likely never meet.
     But, as I always do, I forgot to de-friend him.  And one night last week, while at work, a Facebook IM box popped up on my screen.  Here was the dilemma, I was dog tired but working and had to stay awake…so, let’s see what he has to say.

Facebook: Hello Honey.

Me: Well, hello again stranger.  

Facebook: I may be strange, but I’m not an “er.”

Sorry, I’m a little loopy from the vivodin (I assume that’s “vicodin”) I took for my headache.

Me: I’d say I’d be the judge of that (the stranger bit), but well, I can’t since you always bailed on meeting me.

Headache – me too.

Facebook: hmmm

Me: What were with all your picture edits recently?  Keeping up that jack-of-all trades title? 

Facebook: Haha kind of (He has pretty much all women “friends” on Facebook and posted what looked like modeling pictures of some of them.)

Me: (no response)

Facebook: Do you think we will meet?

Me: Babe, you’re the one that bails. (I really wanted to follow that sentence with a “Hell no!”  But again, working, need to stay awake.  Can’t end the conversation now.  I went with…) So, that would be a you question.

Facebook: I was just making sure you still want to.

Me: I never said that… 

Facebook: Good!

Oh wait-

Maybe not good.

Me: I’d have to dust myself off and dye my hair back to its natural color before you fit me into your schedule. (This guy moves at a snail’s pace.)

Facebook: What color is your hair now?

Me:  (Dude, we’re on Facebook, what the hell do you see in the picture!?  But I went with…) Still brown, but by the time you fit me into your schedule I’ll be gray.

Facebook: hahahahha

hah that was a good one (yeah, I’m a freakin’ comedienne)

Noooooo not that long

What kind of car do you drive?

Me: Why, gonna send me a new one?  (He imports cars for a living, might as well take a shot, right?)

Facebook: Just trying to figure out who would spend more in gas.

We can get you a new one…

Facebook: I drive a Tucson.

But seeing as I’m not sure you’ll ever show up, I vote for you to drive.

Facebook: You drive a TVR?

Me: Huh?

Facebook: You have a TVR Tucan?

Me: Hyundai, Tucson

Facebook: Oh ok. (Seriously man, you’re in the car business.)

The car I was talking about is like 110k.

Is hard to import, there are only 7 in the US.

Me: So why would a lowly part-time teacher have one?

Facebook: Well I know a teacher that is a millionaire.

So ya never know, you could be a trust fund kid.

Me: Not a chance.  Why else would I have 4 jobs?

I’m not a workaholic.

Facebook: Wow, didn’t know that. (Yes, you did duface.)

Good stuff for now.

But definitely not when we get preggers.  (Whoa!  Wait a minute here.  What website did I meet you on?  Some mail-order-bride site?  We haven’t even met, how did I jump to being pregnant!?) 

Me: (Long pause here, trying to regain my composure.) You probably did know that, but have forgotten me in the crowded sea of other women you talk to.

Facebook: Talk is the key word.  (I gathered that.  From the looks of things, this guy’s hot but got no game.)

Not seeing them in person though.  (So, I’m not the only one you ignore.  And here I thought I was special.)

Girls can talk forever, it’s not like they say, “Hey Facebook, let’s go to a bar.” (You do realize you’re talking to a woman?  And dude, you want to meet a woman, bone up and ask her out yourself.)

Me: Well, I don’t talk forever.  As I’m sure you’ve noticed.

Facebook: Yeah but that’s ok.

Me:  (no response)

Facebook: Your ok with me babe?

Me: How do you mean? (Of course I know what he means.)

Facebook: I have deleted so many people since I’ve added you.  Just people who I changed my mind that I don’t want to meet anymore, but I always keep you.  (Sorry attempt to sweet-talk.  Let’s see how real he can handle things…)

Me: Nice to be kept, but I’m not keen on the forgotten/back burner part.  I’ve grown up being invisible and forgotten by my family, that I don’t take too well to it now.  The friends I keep around are few but great and really want to know what’s going on with me and I with them.  Sorry if that’s too much “chatter” for your headache. (Ya know, since he thinks women talk too much.  Hope four sentences aren’t overload on his system.)

Facebook: It’s ok,

I don’t forget you.

You’re not on a back burner because I don’t have one.

I’m not that cute…

Me: What, am I in a slow cooker then? (This guy moves like molasses.)

Facebook: Hahahaa, no you’re not.  You’re not even in the kitchen, you’re in my room.  (Oh dear God, we’re going back to the “preggers” bit.  What the Hell am I concerned with?  He wouldn’t know what to do if he had a treasure map and a neon sign leading him to Gloryville.  Now, how to end the conversation…)

Me: Speaking of, past my bedtime.  Gotta run.  Night.

     Isn’t it the woman who’s supposed to scare the man away with the talk of children?  And shouldn’t you at least meet before planning a future?  One too many Disney fairy tales for this guy.  And as always, I haven’t heard from him since. So I emailed him this morning, “…so, I’m still in the slow cooker, huh?”  We’ll see if this gets a response.

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Hey, what’s your sign?

     Facebook guy asked to meet me a few Fridays ago.  First Friday things came up so he canceled.  The following Friday was the reschedule date.  That Friday came and went.  No phone call, email, or text with any details for the meet or cancelation.  This week he had the audacity to IM me on Facebook and say that we keep missing each other.  I’m sorry, but I fail to see how this is a we situation.  He seems to be screwing up just fine without any assistance.  I quickly told him I had to go and haven’t heard from him since.  Needless to say, I called it quits on this guy too. 

     Between Sugardaddy and Facebook guy, that makes me 0-2 in the past few weeks.  And, since my online dating days are over, my well has dried up.  Time to find a new well, but where?

     So yesterday I paid a much needed visit to my esthetician for my usual threading and dose of nosy-Asian-woman wisdom.  As I was laying on the table, undoubtedly making the most attractive faces while having eye brow hairs yanked from my face, she chimed in on the Chinese New Year.  After asking me what year I was born she said, “Oh, you need a Tiger.” (Damn straight I do.)  Went on how this is the year of the Tiger and it will be a good year for me.  She said I needed to be with a Tiger and that Dogs are my best friends.  (…I believe that line is already taken, but if she wants it…)  

     Where does this delightful information leave me?  I guess I now have to bring back the classic, “what’s your sign,” but with an updated flair.  How do you think the guys will respond to me in a bar if I waltz up and ask, “What’s your inner animal?”

     Attention getter…or no?

Aftermath

          When I started with this experiment to see if people could actually meet “the one” through online dating I had my doubts.  And my doubts, for now, have proven correct.  All the hustle and bustle of last week has passed, and I’m just down to one that I have yet to meet.  Here’s how the now calm, came about:

The Saturday night date guy knew about the blog.  I make it a point not to tell guys about it, but he made a comment about me having a lot of stories and I said, “Boy, do I.”  I went in with the mentality that we’d just be friends.  Honestly, I didn’t think he’d even want to meet me after hearing about and reading some of my posts.  He did confess that he didn’t read too much because he didn’t want to get discouraged.  Hey, can’t avoid the inevitable.

Directionless Dude had tried to meet up with me for months.  He also knows about the blog, therefore friend.  We still keep in touch and it’ll probably be another few months until we meet up again.

Paranoid was not in any way physically attractive to me.  He’s cute in a if-tinkerbell-was-a-guy kind of way.  Cool dude and wouldn’t be opposed to hanging out with him again, but again, friend.

The Preacher is a complete tool and I haven’t responded to his last two texts.  The gem today was, “Remember I am ur wireless, home security, satellite tv, home phone service & video phone broker I have discounts for everything please let me know!” – WTF is that?  I have an image that if I ever met him, he’d pull up in a 18-wheeler and try to sell me whatever was in the back and swear it was legit.

 Last on the list is Facebook guy and he’s fled the country.  Leave it to me to find someone who works in exports and ups and leaves at a moments notice.  He socially works at a snail’s pace and now put time zones and continents between us, we’re never going to meet.  And for those of you asking why I don’t initiate a meet – I’m done with that.  I have found that even though guys say they don’t mind women making the first move, they do.  Each guy that I contacted first or asked to meet up with, never worked out well.  All the guys that have contacted me first are the one’s I’ve had better luck with.

          Of course, according to OkCupid, that’s not my problem at all.  As stated in a very informative and detailed email from the OkCupid company, my problem lies in location.  After receiving maps of the US (and the world) I have found that I need to head to Virginia or North Dakota if I want to find love.  I’ve been to North Dakota, it’s flat with a lot of grass, the only thing I’ll find to hug over there will be a tree.

          As for the world, well sorry Brits, it appears that you hate me.  But you don’t hate me as much as Pakistan.  I’m probably a little too “outspoken” for their liking.  Nope for me, love can be found in Taiwan, Singapore, Peru, Slovakia, and the bread-winner, Israel.  Evidently, for me to find love I need distance and a language barrier.