When I’m What!?

     Not only did The Preacher rise from the dead last week, but so did Facebook guy.  For those of you who are new here or just need a refresher, Facebook is a guy from the tail end of my online experiment and came into the picture around January.  Then quickly and quietly disappeared from the picture.  Then popped up again.  Man’s a mystery.  I hadn’t heard from him in at least a month and told my BFF that I should de-friend him.  No point keeping him around when we’ll most likely never meet.
     But, as I always do, I forgot to de-friend him.  And one night last week, while at work, a Facebook IM box popped up on my screen.  Here was the dilemma, I was dog tired but working and had to stay awake…so, let’s see what he has to say.

Facebook: Hello Honey.

Me: Well, hello again stranger.  

Facebook: I may be strange, but I’m not an “er.”

Sorry, I’m a little loopy from the vivodin (I assume that’s “vicodin”) I took for my headache.

Me: I’d say I’d be the judge of that (the stranger bit), but well, I can’t since you always bailed on meeting me.

Headache – me too.

Facebook: hmmm

Me: What were with all your picture edits recently?  Keeping up that jack-of-all trades title? 

Facebook: Haha kind of (He has pretty much all women “friends” on Facebook and posted what looked like modeling pictures of some of them.)

Me: (no response)

Facebook: Do you think we will meet?

Me: Babe, you’re the one that bails. (I really wanted to follow that sentence with a “Hell no!”  But again, working, need to stay awake.  Can’t end the conversation now.  I went with…) So, that would be a you question.

Facebook: I was just making sure you still want to.

Me: I never said that… 

Facebook: Good!

Oh wait-

Maybe not good.

Me: I’d have to dust myself off and dye my hair back to its natural color before you fit me into your schedule. (This guy moves at a snail’s pace.)

Facebook: What color is your hair now?

Me:  (Dude, we’re on Facebook, what the hell do you see in the picture!?  But I went with…) Still brown, but by the time you fit me into your schedule I’ll be gray.

Facebook: hahahahha

hah that was a good one (yeah, I’m a freakin’ comedienne)

Noooooo not that long

What kind of car do you drive?

Me: Why, gonna send me a new one?  (He imports cars for a living, might as well take a shot, right?)

Facebook: Just trying to figure out who would spend more in gas.

We can get you a new one…

Facebook: I drive a Tucson.

But seeing as I’m not sure you’ll ever show up, I vote for you to drive.

Facebook: You drive a TVR?

Me: Huh?

Facebook: You have a TVR Tucan?

Me: Hyundai, Tucson

Facebook: Oh ok. (Seriously man, you’re in the car business.)

The car I was talking about is like 110k.

Is hard to import, there are only 7 in the US.

Me: So why would a lowly part-time teacher have one?

Facebook: Well I know a teacher that is a millionaire.

So ya never know, you could be a trust fund kid.

Me: Not a chance.  Why else would I have 4 jobs?

I’m not a workaholic.

Facebook: Wow, didn’t know that. (Yes, you did duface.)

Good stuff for now.

But definitely not when we get preggers.  (Whoa!  Wait a minute here.  What website did I meet you on?  Some mail-order-bride site?  We haven’t even met, how did I jump to being pregnant!?) 

Me: (Long pause here, trying to regain my composure.) You probably did know that, but have forgotten me in the crowded sea of other women you talk to.

Facebook: Talk is the key word.  (I gathered that.  From the looks of things, this guy’s hot but got no game.)

Not seeing them in person though.  (So, I’m not the only one you ignore.  And here I thought I was special.)

Girls can talk forever, it’s not like they say, “Hey Facebook, let’s go to a bar.” (You do realize you’re talking to a woman?  And dude, you want to meet a woman, bone up and ask her out yourself.)

Me: Well, I don’t talk forever.  As I’m sure you’ve noticed.

Facebook: Yeah but that’s ok.

Me:  (no response)

Facebook: Your ok with me babe?

Me: How do you mean? (Of course I know what he means.)

Facebook: I have deleted so many people since I’ve added you.  Just people who I changed my mind that I don’t want to meet anymore, but I always keep you.  (Sorry attempt to sweet-talk.  Let’s see how real he can handle things…)

Me: Nice to be kept, but I’m not keen on the forgotten/back burner part.  I’ve grown up being invisible and forgotten by my family, that I don’t take too well to it now.  The friends I keep around are few but great and really want to know what’s going on with me and I with them.  Sorry if that’s too much “chatter” for your headache. (Ya know, since he thinks women talk too much.  Hope four sentences aren’t overload on his system.)

Facebook: It’s ok,

I don’t forget you.

You’re not on a back burner because I don’t have one.

I’m not that cute…

Me: What, am I in a slow cooker then? (This guy moves like molasses.)

Facebook: Hahahaa, no you’re not.  You’re not even in the kitchen, you’re in my room.  (Oh dear God, we’re going back to the “preggers” bit.  What the Hell am I concerned with?  He wouldn’t know what to do if he had a treasure map and a neon sign leading him to Gloryville.  Now, how to end the conversation…)

Me: Speaking of, past my bedtime.  Gotta run.  Night.

     Isn’t it the woman who’s supposed to scare the man away with the talk of children?  And shouldn’t you at least meet before planning a future?  One too many Disney fairy tales for this guy.  And as always, I haven’t heard from him since. So I emailed him this morning, “…so, I’m still in the slow cooker, huh?”  We’ll see if this gets a response.

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6 Comments »

  1. Scotty Said:

    Seriously? This guy has to be 10. The only thing I would keep him around for is entertainment.

    And blog fodder, of course.

  2. Man-shopper Said:

    I’m so speechless that I have no choice but to leave a lame-ass comment saying that I am speechless…

  3. B. Said:

    Wow. “I’ve deleted so many people…but I always keep you.” I really loved your segue to getting out of the convo. To see your wit wasted on weird car importers saddens me. If only I had more male friends who were both single and straight…

  4. Caleb Said:

    Um.. really? I’m not positive, but “Facebook” might actually be a mentally handicapped person. How you managed to actually TRY to have a conversation with this bag of rocks and hair is beyond me. And you know what? I bet that, if he had asked, you would have agreed to meet him somewhere.

    Chicks.

    At least that makes the rest of us with what I like to call “the ability to have a freaking normal conversation” seem better by comparison!

    Nice blog- I love dating shenanigans!

    • ziazitella Said:

      Prior to this conversation he had been somewhat normal and would have agreed to meet him. About an 1/8 of the way into the conversation, no, I would have never agreed to meet him.
      And don’t you worry, more shenanigans to come.

  5. […] a name for a quick refresher if you need it: Facebook Guy, Thumber, Private Dick, […]


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