Posts Tagged ‘pizzazz’

Careful What You Wish For

{ November 12, 2010 @ 3:36 pm } · { Collection of Dumbasses }
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     When I mentioned I was looking for pizzazz, karma had a funny way of saying, “here you go.”

     A couple of weeks ago I was contacted by a guy on match.com.  In his bio he openly mentioned that he was going bald, but what reeled me in was his body image description.  He claimed, “I’m built like a crooked stick.”  And no you pervs, he was not talking about his accessory.  Bald and the body of a prepubescent girl, if that doesn’t make a woman swoon, I don’t know what does.

     He actually looked kind of cute in his pictures and had a bit of personality. So far, we were off to a winning start. We exchanged phone numbers and, to my surprise, he gave good phone. Easy to talk to and conversation was never at a loss.

     We made plans to meet. He had mentioned during our first phone call how he wanted to get a plant for his house but he had been putting it off for fear that he would kill it.  He decided it was time he take the plunge.  I saw this as a great opportunity to break up the mundane “meet for coffee” date and suggested we go plant shopping for our first meet. He agreed.

     We had to reschedule a couple of times but finally got the day and time set. And that’s when it happened.  All the pizzazz that is Crooked Stick came out.

     He was telling me about how his house was robbed a few months ago and how he wasn’t sure if he would be able to return his TV with a piece missing.  Wasn’t really sure why he needed to return a TV if it was working, but then he filled me in on the reason.

Crooked Stick: “Ya know how Costco has a 90-day money back guarantee on electronics?”

Zia: “Um…yeah, okay.”

Crooked Stick: “Well it was time for me to return it but the do-dahwas missing and I didn’t know if they’d take it.”

Zia: “Okaaay. So every ninety days you get a new TV?” (Beginning to sense a strangeness.)

Crooked Stick: “Yeah. I upgrade to get the newest technology. If Costco is gonna offer it, I’m gonna take it.”

Zia: (He really didn’t just say that. Let me double check.) “So you never keep a TV longer than ninety days?”

     He then went into a schpeel on the how’s & why’s and ins & outs of his routine.

Zia: “That’s…a…very…unusual hobby.”  (This guy’s a bit of a loon.)

Crooked Stick: “Yeah, I wasn’t sure I was gonna tell you, but all my friends know so it was bound to come out. (slight pause) I don’t want to tell you how many though.”

Zia: “Oh, from the way you were talking, I’m already thinking double digits.” (And wacko)

Crooked Stick: “Uuh…yeah.  Definitely double digits.”

Zia: “So, you’re worried about getting a plant because you think you’ll forget to water it, but every ninety days you remember to get a new TV?”

Crooked Stick: “Yup.”

Zia: “Buy a cactus. Everytime you exchange TV’s you can water it.  I think you’ll be fine.”

Dearest Fairy Pizzazz Godmother, Maybe I need to clear a few things up…

Pizzazz Questionnaire

{ October 15, 2010 @ 6:18 am } · { Uncategorized }
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     In my previous post, it was brought up in the comment section that in order to coax the pizzazz out of my dates I should have some form of questionnaire to guide them along. Here are a few questions I have come up with thus far whose answers will help me decide if I should stay or run for the hills.

1) Everyone states in their online dating profile that family is important to them.  Big whoop-tee-do.  I want to know how important to you.  What is your relationship like?

a) I lied. A one week visit with my family gives me constipation for a month.

b) We have a big family dinner every Sunday and I never miss it.

c) Even though they don’t live nearby, we talk often. I was the Man-of-Honor in my sister’s wedding.

d) My mom still wipes my ass.

2)  My cat is adorable and I’ve had her for ten years now.  Every morning she waits by the bathroom door for me after my shower and meows to let me know it is time for her morning hug.  Yes, she actually hugs.  Her little paws go around my neck or onto my shoulder and she squeezes.  Do you have a pet?  If not, are you opposed to them?  If so, what is your relationship with your pet?  Rate on a scale of 1-10.  1 being: I throw food down daily, but that’s about it. 10 being: I can’t make it though the night if my Great Dane, Molly, isn’t spooning me.

3) I have a love affair with chocolate and think it’s perfectly acceptable for an adult such as myself to still eat chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.  If we were to go out to breakfast and I ordered these, what would your reaction be?

a) I’d turn up my nose and make a comment about your maturity level.

b) …(sound of chair pulling back)…swoosh…(date just left the building)…

c) I’d grab a fork and take you up on your offer to share.

d) I would create a to-die-for recipe involving Bailey’s Irish Cream in the batter and make you breakfast in bed instead.

4) On vacation I like to do some form of activities, like zip-lining or parasailing.  What exciting activity would you like to try?

a) Skydiving, paragliding, something along those lines.

b) Curling

c) When you vacation to a nudist colony, there’s really one activity that interests me.

d) Is coach potatoing an activity? 

5) Do you dance?  If not are you willing to learn?  If so, what style have you perfected?

a) Ballroom

b) The Chicken Dance

c) You can find me in the club, bottle full of Bud.

d) The only dance I’ve perfected is The Pee Pee.

Am I missing anything?  What would you ask?

Now the only question is whether or not it is acceptable for me to show up on a date with a clipboard.

Searching for Pizzazz

{ October 7, 2010 @ 9:40 am } · { New Year's Chat }
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     Looking for a date and finding one isn’t an issue.  Going on dates and getting asked out for a second isn’t an issue.  Getting asked out to go on second dates that I actually want to go on – BIG ISSUE!

     Lately, I have been meeting the most boring of men. Sadly, since my post about Snoozefest last month, things haven’t gotten much better.  When I met the most recent guy a couple of weeks ago, I was thrilled when the conversation wasn’t completely dull.  He wasn’t really much to go ga-ga over but he was the best I had seen in a while.  So when he asked me out to dinner, I accepted.

     The dinner had its few laughs here and there, and he was a nice guy.  On paper, he sounded fine.  He’s intelligent, friendly, employed, but that’s it really.  Overall the night was hackneyed, insipid, ordinary, …uninspiring.  And it’s not just him, all have been just lacking and ho-hum.  I’m looking for pizzazz.  Is that too much to ask?  I don’t need the guy to be a one-man-show but something about you has to hold my attention.  I feel the performers rule: “Keep the audience wanting more,” most definitely applies to dating as well.  Am I right?

     I feel myself being dragged down by all this humdrum that it is exhausting me.  I want to dive back into my hermit-ness  Behavior which will never get me to my New Year’s date goal.  I’m not just looking for some shmuck to kiss when the ball drops.  Kissing shmucks is easy, I’ve been doing it for years.  I’m looking for someone of substance. I’m using New Year’s for all that is symbolizes – change, new beginnings in directions unknown but desired.  And in all of that, I don’t want it to be with someone blah, mundane, and unimaginative.  Would you?  Pizzazz, I need pizzazz. and throw in the dating towel for a while.

     For those of you asking what pizzazz is – you can’t be serious.  It’s that spark, for some it could be chemistry.  It’s the thing that makes you want to see the person again and again.  It’s the quality in them that holds your interest.  It’s nothing you can put into exact words because it will vary from person to person, but if I had to try I’d say: Pizzazz is another person’s uniqueness that jives with your own unparalleled qualities. 

     I know I will never see this guy again, so he doesn’t even warrant a name.  However, my search continues Winkuntil I find some man worthy of earning the coveted name, Mr. Pizzazz.