Posts Tagged ‘Online Dating Profiles’

At the Start

     Way back when, in the days of Prince Handsy, I had also met another man who wiggled his way into the mix.  I was so bombarded by Prince Handsy drama that I hadn’t been able to bring you up to speed on this little relationship.
     During the Prince Handsy courtship, I was emailed by this guy with the word “jaded” in his screename.  That wasn’t instilling much hope in me.  His email stated that he thought we had a lot in common and he would like to get to know me.  I read through his profile and found that I was shorter than he liked, older that he liked, and didn’t have much to go on to see how we had stuff in common.  So, I emailed back one line questioning about his screename choice.
     He replied back informing me that his last girlfriend did a number on him, cheating wise, hence the jadedness.  And he again proclaimed we had a lot in common and started asking some random questions about me: what kind of movies I like, any tattoos, etc.  I responded back with equally enticing questions: Coke or Pepsi, Yankees or Red Sox, all the fundamentals a relationship should be based on.
     We emailed back and forth for a little while and covered a lot of topics.  There was nothing overly exciting about him, but he was entertaining and nice enough.  His final email informed me that, by the time I read it, he would no longer be able to respond and included his number.  I received the email over Easter weekend, so he was right about me not responding in time via email.
     The Monday after Easter was my date with Prince Handsy (to read about the Prince Handsy drama, click here.)  And after all of that nonsense, I was beaten down, tired, and not really in the mood to chat up another guy.  I had his number, but I felt no overwhelming urge to meet him.  I was debating whether or not to text him.  I decided to go for it.  I almost didn’t.  What a mistake that would have been…

 

To read the next post from The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly series, click here.

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Who would reply to that?

      With all my busy-bee and sickness at the beginning of the year, I am now starting to ease my way back into the dating world.  It has easily been a few months since my last date and with not many prospects it may be a bit longer.  I decided to search through some online dating files that match.com decided to pair me with.  I believe these have gotten worse since my return from hiatus.  It raises many questions like: What the hell are you thinking?,  What are you doing?, What kind of responses are you expecting with that verbal diarrhea?  But I believe what I really want to ask these Men-on-the-Search is, “Who would reply to that ridiculous assinine-ness you just spued all over the page?”  So I thought I’d share some of my findings and you tell me what you think.

Dude #1 scores with this top-notch tagline: Are you emotionally available?  (No, but I had nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon, so I filled out a long-ass questionnaire about myself for kicks.)

Dude #2 gets you started with a very “inviting” tagline:  Ready to start dating again… (Yes, he put the ellipsis)

Then his profile:
Please ask when regarding this topic…. (Ask what?  And why more ellipses into nowhere.)

In a nutshell, I got out of a long relationship, got hurt so I took time off from dating and now ready to see what is out there.  (Hi.  Let me introduce you to my baggage.)

Looking for similar interests, a person who has their head on straight. (This line will work well because what woman is going to respond, “I prefer keeping my head up my ass?”)

Dude #3 -His profile stands alone and needs no commentary:
One Hot Beachwalker looking for Hot Ninja Princess to share hungover walks on beach and marathon p90x sexy time sessions with. Maybe occasional yoga class, fist pump, or film & music festival. Gotta love food… but can’t be a fat arse… Gotta love booze… but can’t be saucy…. I’m sure there is someone “just right” out there for me. At least my psychic thinks so. 

     I’m single.  It’s a mystery.

What a Dish

     One of the tricks of the trade Dr. D shares is to keep changing bits and pieces of your online dating profile to keep it fresh and on the “new” list.  One of her suggestions is to have two of your best friends write up one paragraph describing you.  Then you use it to help you write your profile.  I asked my two besties and this is what I got:

Words from the lovely Mama J:

My best friend is witty, trustworthy and confident.  She provides a fresh, unique perspective on the everyday things.  I find her honest, energetic and full of random, but substantial ideas.  I know I can rely on her for anything, no matter whether it’s to talk about my day, a dream I want to share or needing help with a project.  If I find myself sad or depressed, I can always count on her to cheer me up with her amusing slice of life.  She can be a tomboy, but willing to dress up for the right occasion.  Location is no obstacle for our friendship because we always pick up right where we left off.  I know that she is only a phone call or text message away.  I love her like a sister!

Words from the dazzling Suzy Q:

There are words to describe some people and for others, there are not enough wonderful words and one must just experience being in their presence.  My friend, Zia Zitella, is one of those people. I could tell you that she is an amazing cook (and she is!), but really, what does that say about her?  She is a whiz in the kitchen, but that doesn’t describe how the taste of the food is enhanced by the great conversation and laughter that accompanies the delectable dish she has created (and trust me, I’ve never had anything that she’s made that I haven’t LOVED).  To tell you that she is a wonderful cook is just the tip of the iceberg.  She is youthful in her looks and spirit, and yet beyond her years in wisdom.  She is fun and always up for an adventure.  Want a traveling buddy?  She’s the one you call!  While there for the fun times, she is also there when advice is needed or an ear is needed for listening.  She is an every woman – comfortable in tennis shoes or heels, on a hike,  at a theater production, or watching the game – she’s living life to the fullest and anyone who gets to share anytime with her is a lucky one indeed.

     I don’t know.  What do your friends say about you?  After reading this, I’d do me.

The Wrestler

     In order for any relationship to work there needs to be a good dose of reality.  After receiving an email and then reading the next contestant’s online profile and finding under “interests” he put “thumb wrestling,” I was intrigued.  The basis of our communications have gone like this:

Zia:  Your the first I’ve read to list “thumb wrestling” as an activity. You do this often? Big tournaments 😉 No office pools for that though, huh?

Thumber:  No pools unfortunately but I almost went pro with the UTWC (Ultimate Thumb Wrestling Championships) until I had a freak thumb sprain using my mouse.

Zia:  So tragic that the mouse induced strain kept you from the championships. You’ll get’em next year.

Thumber:  Yes, I have put my thumb on a high protein program that is doing wonders, thanks for asking.

Zia:  I think the protein diet should do the trick. Especially if you add in some extra stretching to prevent future injury. You don’t want to futher damage the money maker.

Thumber:  Haha, yeah I should make a little coat to keep him warm before matches.

Zia:  I’m thinking something in the way of leg-warmer only finger size as a warm-up jacket might be nice. Maybe with the words “Big T” on the side to boost his self-esteem.

     All this charming banter, he couldn’t resist.  We’re going out tonight.  With a solid foundation like this, I think we’ll be fine.

Out of Range

     I was less than thrilled when I had to get back to online dating to fulfill my project duties.  However, this time around I am using different sites.  Dr. Diana recommends using two, one large site and one “boutique.”  So I joined one large one, so far, and paid.  It’s crap, but I’ll save that for a different post.  I’m going to share the good stuff you’ve been waiting for.

     First off, I stated a few things on my profile that I thought were rather important to me, one being location.  It’d sure be nice to date someone who, um, I don’t know, lives in my hemisphere.  Although that was clearly stated in my profile, this is what I’ve gotten so far:

Mr. Fly-by sent: “Hi Zia, How are you ? My names is Fly-by – I’m from brazil – 37 yr old
i’m a Flight Attendant of the Brazilian Airlines.
Single and i have no Childrens. i’d like to meet a
american girl for relationship.”  (Oh, I’m sure you do.)

I then clicked on his profile and read: Brazilian Man looking for a Interesting American Woman to relationship.  Hi, i started in this site now and i will open my profile
complete. I am from Brazil – São Paulo – 38 yr old (Thought you said 37?)., Singer (Thought you said you were a flight attendant?) – I think i’m a nice guy. I never get married before but i had a girlfrind for 10 years (Why do I want to know that?)
 and i do not have childrens. I’m a Flight Attendant (Oh, so you are a flight attendant?) since 1998 and i’ve always another dream that have a relationship with a american woman. (What about my profile makes you think I’m the answer to that wish?)
It’s my fisrt time here and i would like to know a interesting woman,any age i mean about 28-48 yr old (Didn’t realize “any” came with a cut off.)
ps: in fact a Preffer to know somobody who lives em FL (Dude, what part of CALIFORNIA, did you miss on my profile?  Aren’t you a flight attendant?  Shouldn’t you know where the heck LA is?  And WTF does “lives em FL” mean?)

Next we have Capt. Moron: “hi,i’m Capt.Moron..i viewed your profile and it caught me off my feet. (blah blah blah) i am here to explore your world (blah blah blah) i bet i will make you addicted to me. (cocky idiot) Distance is not a barrier in choosing my love (Good luck with that) and also age is just a number not a barrier for me also (Is that why your profile says 46 but your picture is that of a man in his early 20s?  Moron)..take care and stay out of trouble (Sure thing, pops)..If you have become interested in me (nope) reply me back via email (blah blah blah) and i will send you more pictures (Of who, someone else?)..thanks so much for your understanding..(What am I supposed to understand?)

Needless to say, I wasn’t the only one to think this guy was a wack-a-doodle.  The site took his profile down the next day.

Mr. Desert:   He’s a hottie, isn’t he?  The only thing his email contained was his yahoo ID.  The fact that I live in LA and he lives in Cairo, Egypt, apparently isn’t an issue for him?  What’s my opening line here?  “Sooo, how’s your camel?” 

     I’m really off to a great start here.  The majority of the rest were all one line emails with their phone numbers in them.  Oh, and of course my favorite, the one word, “Hi” with a smiley face email.  Yeah buddy, there’s a lot of hope for a relationship spawning off of those magically words.

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