Careful What You Wish For

{ November 12, 2010 @ 3:36 pm } · { Collection of Dumbasses }
{ Tags: Bad Dates, Costco, Online Dating, pizzazz }

     When I mentioned I was looking for pizzazz, karma had a funny way of saying, “here you go.”

     A couple of weeks ago I was contacted by a guy on match.com.  In his bio he openly mentioned that he was going bald, but what reeled me in was his body image description.  He claimed, “I’m built like a crooked stick.”  And no you pervs, he was not talking about his accessory.  Bald and the body of a prepubescent girl, if that doesn’t make a woman swoon, I don’t know what does.

     He actually looked kind of cute in his pictures and had a bit of personality. So far, we were off to a winning start. We exchanged phone numbers and, to my surprise, he gave good phone. Easy to talk to and conversation was never at a loss.

     We made plans to meet. He had mentioned during our first phone call how he wanted to get a plant for his house but he had been putting it off for fear that he would kill it.  He decided it was time he take the plunge.  I saw this as a great opportunity to break up the mundane “meet for coffee” date and suggested we go plant shopping for our first meet. He agreed.

     We had to reschedule a couple of times but finally got the day and time set. And that’s when it happened.  All the pizzazz that is Crooked Stick came out.

     He was telling me about how his house was robbed a few months ago and how he wasn’t sure if he would be able to return his TV with a piece missing.  Wasn’t really sure why he needed to return a TV if it was working, but then he filled me in on the reason.

Crooked Stick: “Ya know how Costco has a 90-day money back guarantee on electronics?”

Zia: “Um…yeah, okay.”

Crooked Stick: “Well it was time for me to return it but the do-dahwas missing and I didn’t know if they’d take it.”

Zia: “Okaaay. So every ninety days you get a new TV?” (Beginning to sense a strangeness.)

Crooked Stick: “Yeah. I upgrade to get the newest technology. If Costco is gonna offer it, I’m gonna take it.”

Zia: (He really didn’t just say that. Let me double check.) “So you never keep a TV longer than ninety days?”

     He then went into a schpeel on the how’s & why’s and ins & outs of his routine.

Zia: “That’s…a…very…unusual hobby.”  (This guy’s a bit of a loon.)

Crooked Stick: “Yeah, I wasn’t sure I was gonna tell you, but all my friends know so it was bound to come out. (slight pause) I don’t want to tell you how many though.”

Zia: “Oh, from the way you were talking, I’m already thinking double digits.” (And wacko)

Crooked Stick: “Uuh…yeah.  Definitely double digits.”

Zia: “So, you’re worried about getting a plant because you think you’ll forget to water it, but every ninety days you remember to get a new TV?”

Crooked Stick: “Yup.”

Zia: “Buy a cactus. Everytime you exchange TV’s you can water it.  I think you’ll be fine.”

Dearest Fairy Pizzazz Godmother, Maybe I need to clear a few things up…