The Newest Hot Spot

     Who knew that after years of bar hopping, drunk-girl-sexy-arms-in-the-air dancing, paying cover charges, and countless hours on my hair, that the newest hot spot to get hit on would be public transportation?  All that time and effort and all I needed to do was pull my hair in a ponytail, throw on some sunglasses and I’d be golden?

     A few weeks ago, I got on the subway, pulled out my Sudoku, and sat, minding my own bee’s wax, waiting for the train to leave.  As soon as the doors closed, I heard this from the beer belly filled white t-shirt to my left:

Beer Belly:  Are you a psychiatrist?

Zia:  No. 

Beer Belly:  A therapist?

Zia:  No.

Beer Belly:  Oh, you look like one.  You look like one of those really smart people.

Zia:  . . . ah . . .

Beer Belly:  Are you a lawyer?

Zia:  No.

Beer Belly:  What are you?

Zia’s Thoughts:  Do I have to talk to this guy?  When’s the next stop?  He’s going to guess every “smart person” profession if I don’t spit something out.  I could tell him anything.

Zia:  I’m a teacher.

Beer Belly:  Oooh, yeah, I can see that.  Blah blah blah…

Zia’s Thoughts:  Oh Christ.  Should have told him I was a stripper.

     Last week I stumbled upon Train Guy.  He is big and tall and with his shaved head has a definite presence when he enters a room, or a train car in this instance.  He sat next to me and asked for help finding his way.

     Even though I was texting away on my phone, he started chatting with me.  Usually that irks me, but he wasn’t a total bafoon so I didn’t mind.  At one point, he said, “You should call me sometime.  Let me give you my number.”  Nice, straight forward approach.

     He sent me a text the next day, and I am assuming my rock solid directions of, “go up the stairs and turn right,” were spot on that he thinks I’m a keeper.  Asked if I was single.  Again, straight forward approach.

     We have texted back and forth a bit over the past few days.  One text read, “. . .I find you amazingly attractive and glad you’re single.”  Mmm. . . okay, you can stay a while.

     On Monday, however, this man’s straight forward approach did not work for me.  You know those people who as soon as you see them you have this feeling that something is off?  You know something is up, something is going to happen?  Well, when I sat next to Bold & Beautiful, I got just that vibe.  He was a tall muscle-y black guy in a stereotypical do-rag.  He was definitely beautiful, but surrounded in an aura of crazy.

     I sat down and pulled out my phone to switch it to vibrate.

Bold & Beautiful:  Aghgorhoss….

Zia’s Thoughts:  Oh lordy, he’s talking to me.  I’m not even sure that was English.  Just keep looking at phone and it will stop.

Bold & Beautiful:  Wow.  Bljaknsrku…

Zia’s Thoughts:  Huh?  And what is he looking at?

Bold & Beautiful:  You get pedicures all the time?  You just got one?

Zia’s Thoughts:  Oh, something audible.  Guess I should answer since it’s not stopping.  But I’ll keep my face glued to my phone.

Zia:  No.  I did them myself.

Bold & Beautiful:  (staring intently at my feet)  Damn!  You got the prettiest feet I ever seen.

Zia:  Ah, thanks?

Bold & Beautiful:  What’s your ethnic background?

Zia:  Mostly Italian.  Some French and Albanian.

Bold & Beautiful:  Mmm–hmmmm.  That’s why you look so .  All that stuff mixed together.fine

Zia:  (small chuckle slips out, bright red face and big smile trying to hold in the remaining laughter)

     Fortunately Bold & Beautiful got off at the next stop. 

     Guys, if you are trying to narrow down the number of fish in your pond, opening with, “Hello, I have a foot fetish,” should do the trick.

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11 Comments »

  1. Caleb Said:

    Just pick a guy and bang him. Cripes.

    If you’re pretty, it shouldn’t be difficult.

    Is it the turning down of men that gets you going? You seem to have a weird enjoyment from making fun of men and their attempts to woo you, yet you’re ostensibly out trying to get wooed.

    Not that I blame you, but come on- pick one already.

    And to any other guys that read this; always just ignore the babes. It throws them off balance.

    And seriously: “I find you amazingly attractive.” What- is he scientist? Is he a counselor giving a personal appraisal?

    Would you just get laid already??

    • B. Said:

      Um, the book is called How to Find LOVE in 90 Days, not How To Get Crabs in 90 Days.

      Mama J. and I are seeing eye-to-eye!

  2. Mama J Said:

    When you meet the guys in public trans, make sure you practice good antibacterial and/or handwashing. The same goes for “pick a guy and bang him” – total disease-prone. You don’t want to end up with some unidentifiable bugs in your wooing.

  3. Katarina Said:

    Woooaaaahhhh there Caleb. I think you’ve missed the whole point of the blog – dating for you may just be to find someone to “bang,” but it seems to me that Zia is being selective because she is truly looking for someone to love and who is compatible. Last time I checked, just picking a guy and banging him is usually not the way to a man’s heart or to create a lasting, loving relationship – maybe its the way to your heart. If you’ve ever been in love, I’m sure it wasn’t with the girl that just let you pick her and bang her. I could be wrong, but I could also be wrong about what your definition of love is – that may be the true nature of the misunderstanding I read in your posts to Zia. I think Zia intrigues you and, if given the chance, you would chase after her – I think you’re waiting to hear about the guy she ends up with and might even feel a little jealous. But, then again, it depends on your definition of love. What IS your definition of love?

  4. Caleb Said:

    Yeah, but probably not.

    I would meet her, say something funny, she would get offended and go on a rant about the latest Nicholas Sparks novel.

    Then I would bid her a good day and go find a less sensitive girl to hang out with and have some laughs.

    If she was looking for a good guy I’m sure she would have found him by now. But then she would be done telling her stories about the idiot guys out there and be bored. This blog would be over, so she can’t have that yet.

    Sometimes banging does lead to good relationships. It’s started almost all of mine.

    I can’t define love for you, but I know it’s not something to be ‘found’ like a pirate treasure on a deserted island. Or acquired methodically by following step-by-step rules and instructions from a book.

    If any ‘finding’ is done, it’s when love finds you.

    Until then, have some fun! Life’s short.

    Caleb “I just went skydiving yesterday” Shreves

  5. Cousin Jo-Jo Said:

    My dear Zia Zitella- I have encountered another case of crazy and I think they have actually gotten worse since getting married. Although I am very confused at what Caleb is saying I feel my story is more fun than a comment back to some very strange remarks. So I will refrain and tell you my story. The husband had to work on Saturday night and I had an inkling for some wine and girlie movies. I walked into the liquor store and the guy (looked about 35-40) working the redemption center catches my eye as I walk by. He was staring hard enough to concern me so I looked- my fault on that one. His pick up line- “Hey, do you want to see my model car? I bought it at a yard sale today for $6!” Really??? does the crazy magnet get worse as you get more into a marriage? I will continue to go out in public and find this out but if I am house bound the next time you make it this way you will surely know why!

    • Mama J. Said:

      Yes! I can attest that the crazy magnet also attracts old dudes and married dudes and doctors too. The other day I had my annual exam. My doctor (a crazy doctor dude) reassured me that I was normal, healthy and one hot chick! Geez! Just a few minutes ago, I was laid naked on that cold table with my feet in the stirrups….was that a compliment?!

  6. Fishy Said:

    Haha, nice post. Let us know how it goes with Train Guy
    *Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*

  7. LP Said:

    Wonderful blog! I truly love how it’s easy on my eyes and well written. I have subscribed to your rss feed! Have a nice day!

  8. WLC Said:

    trying to follow you on twitter but cant find your name


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