Guy’s Dating Destruction

     Okay boys, your turn.  Dr. D gave women thirteen Deadly Dating Patterns, but guys . . . you have sixteen that you could fit into.  Here’s my take on them:

1)  SHY GUY – This wall isn’t going to stand up on its own.

2)  GEEK – What do you mean Magic: The Gathering isn’t an aphrodisiac?

3)  THE SAVIOR –

4)  THE COWARD – AAH!  What’s that!?  Oh, it’s just my shadow.  I’m okay, I’m okay.

5)  BURNT TOAST – AKA – Baggage.  And wears it like a badge.

6)  THE PETER PAN – Hi, I’m 40.  Mom does my laundry.  When she goes to buy groceries, I sneak down into the basement and get high.

7)  THE NEW AGER – A player in hippie format.

8)  THE TROPHY SEEKER – Here’s a Coach bag, an Armani dress, and a Tiffany’s necklace.  Now, please stand here, shut up, and smile.

9)  THE COMMITMENT PHOBE – A ball and chain is for criminals.  I’ve done no wrong, don’t fence me in.  Augh, I can’t breathe – open a window – your love is killing me.  How dare you.

10)  THE GRASS IS GREENER – A petite red-head just made eyes at me.  But wait, the blonde model is coming this way.  Hey, did you see the feisty brunette around the corner?  I’m going to get a closer look.

11)  THE FLAME OUT – Is “I love you” wrong to say on the first date?

12)  THE SLACKER – I am so busy.  Doing nothing takes up a lot of time.

13)  NOT PERFECT-I’LL PASS – Sadly I have a personal story for this one.  Amazing right?  Someone thought I wasn’t perfect.  As ADD said to me once:

     ADD: You’re awesome, like no one I’ve ever met.  I recently found out I have ADD.  Do you have anything?

     ME: Huh?

     ADD: Any mental disease or illness?  I love those.

     ME: No.

     ADD: Ah.  People’s mental imperfections really turn me on.  Too bad.

14)  THE ALCOHOLIC – ’nuff said.

15)  THE PLAYER –  In the words of George Michael, “I Want Your Sex.”

16)  THE PRICK – Hi.  I’m God.

      Men, are you aware of any of these habits?  Ladies, which of these have you stumbled upon?

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10 Comments »

  1. ugh

    #7 manages to find me in all locations, at all times. So much so, that if a guy gives the slightest indication that he is into new-age anything, I run for the hills.
    Have certainly given #9 a run, but honestly-what girl hasn’t?
    #11 was in a death metal band-need I say more?
    #14 & #15 were wrapped into one too-sexy-for-his-own-good body

    sigh

    it’s a wonder we continue on…

  2. Man-shopper Said:

    1) SHY GUY – I go for this guy all the time. Easy prey. Or so I think.

    2) GEEK – God, why do I keep dating this one??

    3) THE SAVIOR – Check.

    4) THE COWARD – Double check.

    5) BURNT TOAST – I haven’t boinked one of these yet, but it’s just a matter of time…

    6) THE PETER PAN – I have this sinking feeling that most men are like Peter Pan.

    7) THE NEW AGER – I shudder at the thought.

    8) THE TROPHY SEEKER – Is it twisted that I wouldn’t mind being someone’s trophy right now? I’m a champagne gal on a beer budget!

    9) THE COMMITMENT PHOBE – Triple check.

    10) THE GRASS IS GREENER – Would you believe me if I told you that my GEEK was also THE GRASS IS GREENER guy? God, I sure know how to pick ’em.

    11) THE FLAME OUT – Parisian men. Enough said.

    12) THE SLACKER – Not yet… thank god.

    13) NOT PERFECT-I’LL PASS – They were such ass-fools not to realize how perfect we are.

    14) THE ALCOHOLIC – But he was so HOT.

    15) THE PLAYER – See #14.

    16) THE PRICK – See #14.

    • ziazitella Said:

      7) Just the idea of #7’s give me the heebie-jeebies
      8) I’m sure sugardaddyforme.com is available in Paris
      13) Yes, they’re idiots.
      14-16) How many times is “HOT” used as a pass? We should have trusted friends stand by as we wear a shock collar to give us a little zap when we start caving.

      • Man-shopper Said:

        I’ve actually conducted some serious Google research on the art of sugardaddy hunting. I decided to abandon that project when I realized how much work that it would entail. Damn my laziness!

        I think that some jewelry designers could increase their profit margins ten-fold if they designed a chic shock collar specifically for this purpose. I’d buy one for every day of the week…

      • ziazitella Said:

        “Chic shock collar” has a nice ring to it. I see those flying off the shelves.

  3. Jennifer Said:

    I think there a lot of Peter Pans in the South…AKA Mamma’s Boy.

  4. Caleb Said:

    I’ve considered your list. I believe I’m equal parts 9,10,14, and 16. Can we add a few categories?

    17. THE MEATHEAD. This guy where’s shirts too tight, will punch his love into your face, and nearly always has on a backwards baseball cap. He is the guy in the gym who wears the short shorts to show off his massive thighs. Avoid.

    18. THE MEGADOUCHE- Douche being the vague term that it is, this guy has many variations. Generally he’s not very fun, usually possessive, hates kittens, and is almost virtually guaranteed to cheat on you (not that the other ones won’t either). Favorite shot: Jagerbombs. Oh, and popped collars are pretty common

    19. THE DREAMGUY- This guy appears perfect. To YOU. He’s not so perfect that you’re suspicious, he’s not too into you or too not into you. He’s funny and seems ultra laid back. He seems to have some underlying real feelings that you can get to if you just dig a little and get to know him (usually some family issue that makes him look like more of a hero). He’s good looking, funny, and good in bed. Wait- what’s the problem you say? He will eventually move on and make you feel less about yourself. How he does this may vary, but inevitably he will be the one who can call you for a booty call whenever he wants and you will feel powerless to resist his call.

    Met any of these guys?

    And shouldn’t there be some categories that seem more.. .you know, flattering for guys? No? Okay, fair enough.

    • ziazitella Said:

      I didn’t give the Doc’s full description of her Deadly Dating Patterns, just my interpretations.
      Your add-ons are, in actuality: #17 is part #13 & #16
      #18 is #16
      #19 is part #15 & #16
      Sorry dude, you got nothing new here. And after reading your blog I’d say your self-diagnosis is spot on.

  5. Caleb Said:

    Thanks?! Sort of. My self diagnoses are usually pretty accurate. I have my strengths and my weaknesses and am willing to look at both to create a realistic self image. Try it.

    And no, mine ARE new categories, and in fact we could all probably sit around and create dozens more. For instance, 17 is definitely not just 13+16- Meatheads are way too dumb to be perfectionists. I would wager ( and I bet your author/guru/lifecoach would agree) that there are actually probably only about 3 or 4 base traits that make up a person’s personality, and its merely a matter of how those traits express themselves that determine how douchey a guy is.

    But why go into all of that? We’re just on here to have some fun, share some stories, and tell some jokes right?

    Lighten up pussycat.

    And I mean that with all due respect.

  6. […] On Sunday I met Mr. Indecisive.  Indecision is a trait of the Grass is Greener deadly dating pattern, which is one of the more challenging ones to deal with according to Dr. D […]


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