Archive for June, 2010

Out of Range

     I was less than thrilled when I had to get back to online dating to fulfill my project duties.  However, this time around I am using different sites.  Dr. Diana recommends using two, one large site and one “boutique.”  So I joined one large one, so far, and paid.  It’s crap, but I’ll save that for a different post.  I’m going to share the good stuff you’ve been waiting for.

     First off, I stated a few things on my profile that I thought were rather important to me, one being location.  It’d sure be nice to date someone who, um, I don’t know, lives in my hemisphere.  Although that was clearly stated in my profile, this is what I’ve gotten so far:

Mr. Fly-by sent: “Hi Zia, How are you ? My names is Fly-by – I’m from brazil – 37 yr old
i’m a Flight Attendant of the Brazilian Airlines.
Single and i have no Childrens. i’d like to meet a
american girl for relationship.”  (Oh, I’m sure you do.)

I then clicked on his profile and read: Brazilian Man looking for a Interesting American Woman to relationship.  Hi, i started in this site now and i will open my profile
complete. I am from Brazil – São Paulo – 38 yr old (Thought you said 37?)., Singer (Thought you said you were a flight attendant?) – I think i’m a nice guy. I never get married before but i had a girlfrind for 10 years (Why do I want to know that?)
 and i do not have childrens. I’m a Flight Attendant (Oh, so you are a flight attendant?) since 1998 and i’ve always another dream that have a relationship with a american woman. (What about my profile makes you think I’m the answer to that wish?)
It’s my fisrt time here and i would like to know a interesting woman,any age i mean about 28-48 yr old (Didn’t realize “any” came with a cut off.)
ps: in fact a Preffer to know somobody who lives em FL (Dude, what part of CALIFORNIA, did you miss on my profile?  Aren’t you a flight attendant?  Shouldn’t you know where the heck LA is?  And WTF does “lives em FL” mean?)

Next we have Capt. Moron: “hi,i’m Capt.Moron..i viewed your profile and it caught me off my feet. (blah blah blah) i am here to explore your world (blah blah blah) i bet i will make you addicted to me. (cocky idiot) Distance is not a barrier in choosing my love (Good luck with that) and also age is just a number not a barrier for me also (Is that why your profile says 46 but your picture is that of a man in his early 20s?  Moron)..take care and stay out of trouble (Sure thing, pops)..If you have become interested in me (nope) reply me back via email (blah blah blah) and i will send you more pictures (Of who, someone else?)..thanks so much for your understanding..(What am I supposed to understand?)

Needless to say, I wasn’t the only one to think this guy was a wack-a-doodle.  The site took his profile down the next day.

Mr. Desert:   He’s a hottie, isn’t he?  The only thing his email contained was his yahoo ID.  The fact that I live in LA and he lives in Cairo, Egypt, apparently isn’t an issue for him?  What’s my opening line here?  “Sooo, how’s your camel?” 

     I’m really off to a great start here.  The majority of the rest were all one line emails with their phone numbers in them.  Oh, and of course my favorite, the one word, “Hi” with a smiley face email.  Yeah buddy, there’s a lot of hope for a relationship spawning off of those magically words.


Guy’s Dating Destruction

     Okay boys, your turn.  Dr. D gave women thirteen Deadly Dating Patterns, but guys . . . you have sixteen that you could fit into.  Here’s my take on them:

1)  SHY GUY – This wall isn’t going to stand up on its own.

2)  GEEK – What do you mean Magic: The Gathering isn’t an aphrodisiac?


4)  THE COWARD – AAH!  What’s that!?  Oh, it’s just my shadow.  I’m okay, I’m okay.

5)  BURNT TOAST – AKA – Baggage.  And wears it like a badge.

6)  THE PETER PAN – Hi, I’m 40.  Mom does my laundry.  When she goes to buy groceries, I sneak down into the basement and get high.

7)  THE NEW AGER – A player in hippie format.

8)  THE TROPHY SEEKER – Here’s a Coach bag, an Armani dress, and a Tiffany’s necklace.  Now, please stand here, shut up, and smile.

9)  THE COMMITMENT PHOBE – A ball and chain is for criminals.  I’ve done no wrong, don’t fence me in.  Augh, I can’t breathe – open a window – your love is killing me.  How dare you.

10)  THE GRASS IS GREENER – A petite red-head just made eyes at me.  But wait, the blonde model is coming this way.  Hey, did you see the feisty brunette around the corner?  I’m going to get a closer look.

11)  THE FLAME OUT – Is “I love you” wrong to say on the first date?

12)  THE SLACKER – I am so busy.  Doing nothing takes up a lot of time.

13)  NOT PERFECT-I’LL PASS – Sadly I have a personal story for this one.  Amazing right?  Someone thought I wasn’t perfect.  As ADD said to me once:

     ADD: You’re awesome, like no one I’ve ever met.  I recently found out I have ADD.  Do you have anything?

     ME: Huh?

     ADD: Any mental disease or illness?  I love those.

     ME: No.

     ADD: Ah.  People’s mental imperfections really turn me on.  Too bad.

14)  THE ALCOHOLIC – ’nuff said.

15)  THE PLAYER –  In the words of George Michael, “I Want Your Sex.”

16)  THE PRICK – Hi.  I’m God.

      Men, are you aware of any of these habits?  Ladies, which of these have you stumbled upon?

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