Letter to the Editor

Dear Match.com suitor,

     A little over a week ago I came across your profile and something intrigued me, so I winked at you.  That was me throwing the ball in your court.  You in turn, winked back.  Maybe it didn’t occur to you that a charades-formed conversation is not possible on match.com, seeing as winking is the only option.  I’ve been winking so much lately I’ve developed a tick.  Responding with an email would have been preferred.

     Since you half-assly threw the ball back in my court, it was up to me to send the first email.  Doing my research, I reread your profile.  I found it very interesting that you claim to be open-minded.  What was more interesting is that you’re open-minded with conditions.  There seems to be an amendment to your claim.  You are open-minded to women as long as they: don’t love drama, have psychological issues, or play games.  You then recommend they get off the site and see a shrink if they fall into any of those categories.  Very sound medical advice coming from someone with a BA in Journalism.  Why wouldn’t they listen to you?

     You earned a reprieve from these moronic comments because of your 6′ 5″ stature.  I find your freakish height a major turn-on. 

(Insert witty ice-breaking email here.) 

     Pleased that you responded to the email, but only in response to my sass.  There were no inquiries about me or any indication that you read my profile.  Therefore, I only responded back with one line since you did not seem very interested.  I am looking to be wooed.  You showed no attempts at woo-ment.

     Somehow though, your two-line email and my one-line response must have made you believe that this lady should be ga-ga for you, and you had the gall to send another email a couple of days later.  I was definitely able to see all that hard work you put into earning that BA in Journalism.  In its entirety (and I hope I’m not missing any words here), you wrote:  “Stimulating conversation…”

     Well, my dear, as I have (and others have) said before, “questions are the breath of a conversation.”  So ask me something.  Please refer to paragraph four – woo.  I’m sure wooing was covered somewhere in Journalism 201, The Seduction of Writing.  I’m guessing you failed that course.

     Sadly, I don’t see this relationship going anywhere and am moving on.

Sincerely uninterested,

Zia Zitella



  1. Caleb Said:

    How the men don’t flock to you I’ll never understand…

  2. Mama J Said:

    Why do some of these guys even have profiles? Who are they waiting for? Do they believe that their next door neighbor model or the dumb blond at the club will actually find them on there? If they don’t like you in person, why would they like you any better online?

  3. Man-shopper Said:

    Ah the lazy-ass mofos who can’t write an email to save their lives… I am so fed up with them, I temporarily abandoned my online dating escapades for the time being. You are my hero for keeping at it!

    • ziazitella Said:

      Aw, thanks. It is a good thing it’s online, though. I get fed-up too and my “you’re an idiot” comments wouldn’t fly if I was hearing the stupid things they write in person.

  4. nandoism Said:

    I love this post! I am going to blast this to the world because there’s nothing worse than trying to “play the online dating game” and all we get is a wink and a 2 line e-mail response! Men! pft.

    • ziazitella Said:

      Thanks luv. Yeah, nothing worse than putting in the effort and getting no love back.

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