Leaving it to Fate

     I celebrated the New Year with good friends at a small family owned bar.  They treated patrons to a champagne toast every hour until our time zone reached midnight.  My wingwoman, Half-pint, was picked up by a twenty-year-old kid, and I was followed around by his older cousin, Puppy-Dog, for a majority of the night.  At the end of the night, when my friends and I decided to leave, Puppy-Dog had the gall to grab his coat and exit with us.  Hey Buddy, following me around all night like a puppy-dog and not once even attempting to buy me a drink, isn’t exactly paving the way for a New Year’s shag.  Just sayin’.  Needless to say there was no shag-time, and even though he asked for my number, the comment of, “If nothing ever happens, I just want you to know I had a good time tonight,” clearly pointed out that he was never going to use my number.  I was spot on with that call and haven’t heard from him…and I’m not losing sleep over it either.

     The first week of the New Year down, and the dating “project” for this year decided, it is time to share.  Now, this decision may bring tears to some of your eyes, as it did with Buddha Babe, but it must be done.  In my years of date-blogging, I have tackled online dating, a self-help book, speed dating, set-ups, etc.  It is time to try the only thing I haven’t tried…FATE.  This year I’m leaving the luck of my love life to Fate.  That being said, my date count will drop drastically not leaving me much to blog about.  So, unless Fate sets in motion something earth-shattering, this may most likely be my only post this year.  Don’t fret too much, I’ll still be tweeting it up from time to time.

     I thought giving myself and blog a proper send-off was in order, so I compiled a “The Best of Zia” list to keep you entertained in my dating absence.  

Post that was  numerously retweeted, reposted by other bloggers, and stirred up a hefty comment discussion: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

A Sample of the Prince Charmings that I’ve come across: Careful What You Wish For 

Even in my non-dating life I find rare jewles…and, well, maybe posting on Craigslist had something to do with it too: Oh, Sammy Boy

Zia in a guest appearance: Treasure Down Under 

Example of how I’m a class-act on a date: More Bug Wine, Please

     Thanks for reading, and best of luck to all of you in 2012.  Go out there and get your flirt on!

Top 5 Lines of 2011

     As the year is coming to a close, I took a few moments to relive some of the best lines I’ve heard this year.  I’m sure everyone has their favorites, but these are what did it for me.

     Coming it at #5 is from everyone’s favorite spider-fearing dater, Mr. Fig Newton.  He found me again on match.com after two years and tried to rekindle what was never there.  I politely turned him down and he responded with:

“Just because you pass, doesn’t mean I have to.”

     Confidence is very important when it comes to dating.  So that is why in the #4 spot we have a guy full of it.  Sadly, he didn’t have the maturity or personality to follow it up.  But he does know how to get your attention when he spouts out:

“It’s okay, I only need three minutes to impress you.”

     Line #3 is not from one of my gentlemen callers, but rather the fabulous Lulu, who likes to meddle in my social life.  She has personally taken it upon herself to try to find me a husband this year.  Every male client she has learns my name.  And every female client is grilled to see if they have a single brother, neighbor, gardener, proctologist, etc.  On a recent visit she told me that she passed along my number to a client because she has a lot of male coworkers and they needed more women at the Christmas party.  Then another client had come in, who has a single male client, who happens to be a lawyer, so of course Lulu’s mind starts spinning out of control.  She continued with a few more of those situations, paused in her work, put her hand on my shoulder, and then said to me:

“I’m sorry.  I always try to sell you.  You’re the only one I know like you, so I sell you.”

     The #2 line of the year was not shared via blog, but it hails from Mr. Organic.  During our texting stage, he was informing me that he can cook.  He said he was good for three dates.  I found out the list, two of which were pasta, so I joked with him about trying to battle spaghetti with an Italian.  His response:

“The goal is to seduce you with my charm, intellect, and boyish good looks.  The dinner is just so you won’t be hungry while those things are happening.”

     And coming in at #1…during my first Speed Dating adventure…how could I, or anyone I’ve told, forget?  How do you to stay memorable during those five short minutes of instantly meeting someone when they are in a sea of other possibilities?  Simple, just tell her:

“I was born vaginally.”

     And there we have it.  The 2011 list of top lines I have heard this year while I was traveling through singledom.  Any classics of your own that you’d like to share?

Organic Dating

     There is a word I have begun to hate in regards to dating and that is “organic.”  Organic fruit, meat, vegetables, those are all okay.  Using the word to mean something that comes about naturally, that’s okay too.  And one would think that meeting someone without the assistance of an online-dating site or a matchmaker would be considered “organic” too, but that’s where it stops.  When you use “organic” in your dating life that doesn’t refer to how you just ran into that someone and met naturally, it has a whole other meaning.  Let me give you an example.

     Over the summer I met a guy online, we emailed for a bit, and then exchanged numbers.  Our emails were short, but he seemed normal (as they usually do.)  He was talk, dark, taught Bikram yoga on the side, so he was buff as all get-out.  When we moved onto texting, he was very entertaining and seemed like a good guy.  After a day and a half of texting, he invited me to meet him for a happy hour drink around 6-6:30pm before he went to meet a friend that was in from out-of-town at 7-8pm.  Hmm…really showing interest asking me to meet you for thirty minutes and with only an hour warning.  I politely declined and then asked for a rain check.

     Two days later we were texting again, and again, with about an hour to spare, asked if I wanted to meet for happy hour.  A minute later he text this:

Mr. Organic: FYI… I’m very organic.  I prefer the now to the later.

Zia:  What’s that supposed to mean?  If I say “no” now, you won’t want to meet later?

Mr. Organic: No, just means I keep asking you with no planning, which is a pet peeve to most.

     I recommended the following day, trying to meet this guy in the middle with his organic-ness, but he wasn’t free.  I told him if he got to me in the morning, I could probably work something out.  He then said he would keep checking then.  And a minute later I got this text:

Mr. Organic: It works both ways though…if you’re free hit me up.  I’m always spur of the moment ready.

     Now you want me to throw the ball in my court?  I knew I’d never meet this guy or hear from him again unless I initiated it.  I said it before and I’ll say it again, putting a little effort into planning a date goes a long way, gentlemen.  Newsflash buddy, you have in your profile that you want a relationship.  You are aware that your organic-ness (a.k.a. lack of planning) is a pet peeve to most.  Seems to me that there is a clear explanation as to why you are forty-one and single.

Set-ups

     A few weeks ago my coworker, and friend, a brainy beaut who’s a barrel of laughs and absolutely b-lightful (hereby known as B’liteful) had asked me if I would date an ex-marine.  If you’re a relatively new reader, then let me make you aware that I date all “makes & models.”  Although ex-military isn’t something I look for, I can roll with it.  A little further into her questioning, I discovered that a friend of hers, Miss Match-Up, has a guy friend that she wanted to set up.  Now, how many of you cringe at the words “set up?”  I know if it were a family member attempting such a feat, that is exactly what I’d be doing.  However, this idea doesn’t bother me so much.  I mean, if you think about it, who knows you better than your friends?  And as my years {…sigh…} of online dating has proven to be unsuccessful, I’m thinking set-ups are the wave of the future for me.  While I was doing my Love in 90 Days project, I read that Dr. D highly recommends it too.  So, why not?

     At first there was a brief email introduction by Miss Match-up.  I came across as a ants-in-her-pants granny.  (May have to rethink this friends setting me up thing…)  I received a text from B’liteful later double checking my email since she’ll be sending photos in a little bit.  Having never met him herself, she was curious what he looked like.  The subject line to her email was “Um, you’re welcome.”  He was cute enough from what I could see, his “resume” wasn’t too shabby either, and he had a pizzazz-y name.  It is pronounced as a well-known word from Star Wars.  For the sake of the blog, we’ll call him R2D2.  He was worth looking into.

     We began emailing that evening, and throughout the week.  It was a little unnerving at times when B’liteful would peek into my room the next day with elongated questions like, “Soooo?” or “Weeeeell?  It was a little odd having an audience on this one.  On the other hand, getting my own personal report card was kind of nice.  I’ll have you all know that I was reported as “charming,” “beautiful,” and Miss Match-Up said he was smitten by the week’s end.

     We had planned to finally meet, and go to dinner, on Saturday.  I was a bit fatigued from a long work week and having to work Saturday morning, but I managed to squeeze in a power-nap to get me through.  All day I had this gut feeling that I should text my friend to find out how tall he was.  It is true, I’m a sucker for tall guys, but this was more out of common courtesy.  I had planned on wearing my high-heeled boots and didn’t want to tower over him if he were short.  Never know when a short-man-complex is going to jump up on you.  In the end I didn’t text…and…should have gone with my gut.

     I arrived at my date having gone all out with hair and make-up to try to disguise the suitcases that were checked under my eyes.  In my knee-high, high-heeled boots, I walked across the street to greet him, and, after emailing all week, felt the meet deserved a hug-greeting.  However, I felt a boob to face greeting was a bit too much for a first meet. I know, I’m such a prude.

     We walked into the restaurant and were seated.  This is where the date was…well…wasn’t exactly great.   R2D2′s nerves may have gotten the best of him at times because he had this uncontrollable urge to continually ask me about my “favorites.”  “What’s your favorite movie?  What’s your favorite food?  What’s your favorite TV show?”  I asked about all the favorite questions and he snapped it was a first date and what was he supposed to ask.

Sidenote:  A)  Don’t snap at your date.  You’re asking boneheaded questions.  B)  Once I give you a TV show title, guess what?  Our conversation is over.  You’re asking one-word answer questions.  Go for open-ended questions.

     Anyhow, as the chatting continued, R2D2 continually reported how he was a disappointment to his parents, kept making bizarre and numerous comments about wanting to see Bring It On: The Musical, and other tidbits that only high-schoolers would/might find fun and entertaining.  Combined that with his height and I felt like I was on a date with a teenager.  In addition, when the server came to take our order and then recommended a different type of salad from the one R2D2 ordered, he pointed out how he was trying to up-sell him.  After causing the little scene, he ordered the more expensive one.  When the server came back to check on how it tasted compared to the original salad he had ordered, he confronted him by saying that he had never had the original salad here, so how would he know.  And then pushed the matter for a couple of minutes until I chimed in and said that it tasted basically the same, to which R2D2 called me a “peacemaker” when the server left.

Sidenote: C)  Complaining about the cost of dinner in front of your date…where does that sound like a good idea?  D)  It’s a common salad that you have probably had and some point in your life.  How does it compare to that?  Don’t pick a fight with the server just because.  And don’t be a douche.

     I knew reporting back was not going to be fun, so when I got a text from B’liteful asking how it went, I told her I’d tell her on Monday.  When Monday rolled around, I filled her in.  She later reported back that he thought that I didn’t really like him.  Hmm, I can’t imagine why.

Back on Track

     I had previously mentioned how I was going through a drought, and then last week had two dates and then another last night.

     The date from last Friday was a result from my latest Speed Dating adventure.  Nothing really to report.  There was nothing bad about the date, nothing wrong with the guy, it just…wasn’t there.  No spark, no pizzazz, it just fell short.  I know a date is going down hill if as he’s talking I start envisioning who of my friends I’d like to set him up with.  Meaning, I like the guy, just not for me.

     Speaking of setting up, that takes me to last Thursday’s date.  As some of you are aware, my esthetician, Lulu, and I have a bond, could be partly because she has been all up in my lady business for years.  She has recently decided and taken it upon herself to try to set me up.  I’ll need to back up a little for this one.

     Several months ago, while laying on her table, she began yakking away about my singleness, dating, yada yada.  She began telling a story about setting someone up with someone’s brother and having the phone number.  She then picked up a tissue box and showed me a woman’s phone number written on the bottom.  I gathered she was setting this woman up.  As the story went on, in all her immigrant Vietnamese-ness, I realized, “Oh, she wants to set me up with that woman’s brother.”  The fact that he lives in San Fran and I’m in LA, didn’t seem to faze her.  When I left, Subtle-T was there for her appointment, and I asked her to find out if what I was listening to was correct.  Here’s the thing, Subtle-T is married, and therefore, does not receive these lectures.  They talk about food, and, as I later found out, me.

     Fast forward a bit and Subtle-T receives a phone call from Lulu with a phone number of a different guy.  Lulu had decided that it was up to Subtle-T to call, not me.  A few days later, Subtle-T received a voicemail from Lulu, and rather than call me, she called Suzie Q and told her about the message.  “I have another number.”  The two of them were finding this very amusing.

     I talked to one guy, kind of boring, didn’t really like him, and Lulu was crushed by this.  I found out later that he had just started talking to his ex-girlfriend again and took my call out of obligation.  Fine with me, I was doing the same thing.  I have been informed by Lulu that the man in San Fran has been contacted now.  I don’t know by whom, but I’m sure I’ll get an update on my next appointment.  During my last appointment, she decided to cut out the middle man and gave me the third guy’s phone number.  She insisted I text him, not call, because when you call and don’t know him, you have nothing to say.  The only things I knew about him is that he is Italian and goes there to get his back waxed.  Hey, the way I see it, he knows the problem and he’s taking care of it.  Lulu tends to go on about Italians being hairy and I was doubting she was painting a pretty picture of me, since she had told him I was Italian.  It was during one of those rants that I was about to chime in and she stopped me before I finished and said, “Oh, I tol’ him.  For an Italian, you not so hairy.”  Great.  So, I went home and texted him.  He replied back.

Client #3:  Hi Zia, yeah Lulu did mention your name.  I’m kind of embarrassed to admit I know Lulu, but that’s a different story.

Zia’s Thoughts:  Buddy, you’d be more embarrassed if you knew I knew why you know Lulu.  Nothing is sacred on that table.

Zia’s Text:  She makes herself known when she walks into a room.

Client #3:  I guess she also enjoys playing matchmaker, huh?  …So do you we should test Lulu’s skills and meet up for lunch sometime?

Zia’s Text:  I feel we have to go to lunch for our own safety if nothing else.  Don’t want to upset the woman who holds tweezers and hot wax.  I could walk out with one eyebrow next time.

Client #3:  I agree, let’s keep here happy for our sake.

     We met for lunch, and let me just say, he is a very pretty, pretty man.  Little thin for my taste, but good-looking.  Again, no spark, no flare, but no red flags either.  Just a nice guy that I’ll probably never see again.  Well, unless Lulu has other plans.

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